Coliseum Home Video: WWF Bloopers, Bleeps and Bodyslams Review
Well, they had to show up sooner or later. The fabled "WWE Home Video Classics"-AKA Those terrible Coliseum Home Video tapes that us deprived wrestling fans watched while waiting for the next Pay-Per-View tape to show up at the video barn.
Let's start off with the very first one. Set course for wackiness, it's April of 1985's BLOOPERS, BLEEPS AND BODYSLAMS.
The tape (as I shall refer to these shows) starts off with a wonderfully over-the-top introduction, with epically-synthesised music over footage of grapplers both current (in 1985 terms) and historic. It's actually very well done, even if it does of course ends with an extended shot of Hulk Hogan.
Contrasting that is the title screen, in blocky white text on a blue background. Hellllo, 1980's!
Not impressive
Over host, from "WWF Video Control" (calling Grappler Tom!) is Gorilla Monsoon, who is surprisingly slim-looking. He's wearing the best tuxedo they could find, complete with a wonderful blue ruffled shirt. Thank GOD that's never come back into fashion. He looks like a zombie ripped his chest open.
He intro's "Bloopers, Bleeps and Bodyslams". The there's a cut and he intro's it again. Oh, ho ho ho, it's a take where he fluffs the word "bodyslams". We're off and running!
We head to the ring to join a ten-man tag in progress. Andre is captaining one of the team. In my head I hear Miracle Max saying "You ARE one of the teams!" Andre boots Don Muraco out of the ring, leading to some serious over-selling. He makes it back and, and Andre fires him to the ropes and executes a drop-down. C'mon, try the LEAPFROG, Andre!
No such luck, and he just gets up and lets Muraco run face-first into an ass the size of a small moon.
One for the Muraco family album
Then we're off to join Vince, who's getting love tips from "Classy" Freddie Blassie. Freddie is happy to play Dear Abby to the letters of WWF fans. Or "pencil-necked geeks" as he calls them. There's a phrase that's ripe for a comeback. Fred's advice to the first correspondent is a barrage of gravelly-voiced sexism.
The next letter-writer complains about her husband practising holds on her. Vince's reading of "his Superfly Splash off the dresser is too much" causes some crew-member to audibly crack up. Classy Freddie agrees whole-heartedly that some "broads" need to have holds put on them, going into detail of some hilarious spousal abuse he gave to his second wife. Vince chuckles along, although with hindsight I think we can agree this segment hasn't aged particularly well.
"Broads, huh? Can't live with 'em, can't throw 'em down a well..."
Next up is a letter from a sixty-year-old who wants to take the plunge and get her freak on with a wrestler. There's more corpsing as Vince tries to read the letter with a straight face. Blassie suggests the 18-year-old Tonga Kid would be a good match. I think he's trying to kill this nice lady off.
The segment finally dies a slow death and we throw back to Gorilla. He talks about wrestlers keeping themselves in shape through training and of course, lots of "vitamins". But what this bit is leading up to is "Iron" Mike Sharp slamming a luckless jobber into the turnbuckle, dislodging the guys hairpiece at the same time. Mike of course claims it as a trophy as the poor guy looks for a hole in the ground to crawl into.
On to "Tiger" Chung Lee, who is giving a demonstration of brick-breaking. Gorilla claims he personally had accidently purchased the bricks, accidently getting the type with steel rods in them. Cue thirty seconds of futile choppong, Vince corpsing on air, Freddie Blassic speaking in faux-Korean and the sound of a crowd calling Chung Lee a fake.
A brief (and incoherent) Lou Albano rant, followed by a posedown hosted by that connoisseur of oiled-up muscular men, Vince McMahon. It's Tony Atlas vs "Mr Wonderful. Thankfully Vince is sitting at a table, so we can't see what this does to his dress slacks. Tony wins, so Paul cold-cocks him. A oily fistfight breaks out, broken up by Vince and a silver-masked man. (Who's actually dressed for dinner, plus the mask. Because, Mexico)
"Best Day EVER!"-Vince
We're off to meet the Iron Sheik's camel.
Who I shall name "Pooky"
This leads to Vince calling in Lord Alfred Hayes to assess the camel's attributes, camel expert that he is. Vince manages to call it both a "cammebell" and a "camera" in quick succession, ALMOST making the Sheik laugh. This is a weird segment. And just as I type that, Gorilla promises Kamala the Ugandan Giant and a performing chicken.
Oooo-kay.
Freddie Blassie brings out the chicken, along with "Friday", a proto-Kim Chee. The chicken's act is to be Kamala's lunch. This is luckily done with a jump cut to avoid any on-camera Ozzy Osbourne-ing.
On to MIDGET MADNESS! Danny Carpenter vs The Haiti Kid. Big crowd on hand for whatever event this was. It's full-bore Dwarven Comedy, with butt-biting leading to Danny managing to pin the vertically-challenged referee on a slingshot. A couple of pinfall attempts end up with The Kid getting tossed into the ref's arms and dumped on his face. And that's all we get, heading off instead to watch Vince having polka lessons from Ivan Putski.
I KNEW these tapes were going to to provide screencap fodder.
Over to Hulk Hogan, making smoothies full of "Python Powder". Man, they're just forcing me to make steroid jokes, aren't they? Vince quite enjoys powering down a protein shake. And so, a cover of "Muscle and Fitness" magazine was suddenly in his future.
Back to Love Advice, this time with Captain Lou in the hotseat. He gives some hygiene and weight loss tips. Oh, my aching sides. This segments are the longest thing on this tape so far, and boy howdy, they're awful.
Winner, Worst Shirt, 1983-1989
WWF Top Chef is next, as The Wild Samoans demonstrate their culinary skills for Vince. Hilarious 80's cultural insensitivity ensues as Afa and Sika speak Samoan and dissect a giant fish. Lord Alfred Hayes plays fall guy, getting to try a little raw fish. He's not a fan. He also gets to do his patented "disgusted face" over a bowl of boiled fish. Holy fuck, this is anti-comedy.
KOMEDY!
Back at last the Gorilla, who promises the "biggest blooper of all time". Okay, I'm sitting down. He sets the scene... a tag title match between the Wild Samoans and "Soul Man" Rocky Johnson and Tony Atlas.
In the ring, Atlas has just gotten the hot tag is is cleaning house, (clichés for everyone!) when the ref gets bumped. Lou Albano leaps in and... d'oh, puts a wooden chair to the top of his own guys skull. The ref revives instantly to count the pinfall.
Not sure that's going to overtake Booker T calling Hogan the N-Word as far as bloopers go.
More ethnic comedy coming up, as Salvatore Bellomo (who I have NEVER heard of, despite him having a 30-year career) makes a pizza. That's the whole bit.
From ethnic stereotyping to a weird improvised taped bit, with Mean Gene and Dick Murdoch getting a tour of Adrian Adonis's old New York neighbourhood. Adrian happily talks to random dropouts, pretending they're related to him. How they hell did no one get mugged while filming this? They stop for a hotdog, but this is pre-Adorable Adrian, so there's no dick-related humour.
This man has ZERO idea of what's going on
Just a bunch of in-ring clips next. Plenty of bodyslams, so we've got that part of the titles sorted. Also a hilarious bit where Andre tosses one of Heenan's guys out of the ring, the wanders over the step on both heels hands simultaneously. Thanks, Bobby, that's the first real humour on this tape.
They call this "The Instant Flippers"
Oh God, more Advice for the Lovelorn, with "Luscious" Johnny V. He cuts a rapid-fire promo on the first letter-writer while staring at the wrong camera. Nice one, dude. The second letter up is from a man who put a Mexican wrestlers mask on is wife to improve her looks. Jesus, who was writing this shit? Next, a woman who likes ugly men. Johnny suggests Hogan, chortle, chortle, while plugging Brutus Beefcake as a "15-20" out of ten for looks.
Johnny appears to be wearing his face upside down today
And then one from a lady who wants to get into a "16-20 man Battle Royal". Time to put the kids to bed, folks!
Thank Christ that one ends with Johnny just babbling away wildly.
Andre the Giant gets interviewed by Vince and Alfred. This is the classic moment where he slams his size Holy-Fuck Boots onto Vince's desk, then plays Facehugger with Alfred's head. He also gets to goof around with a Caribbean band. Probably the best segment of the tape so far.
Lord Alfred HMGHHHHPF
Piper interviews Cyndi Lauper, getting interrupted by Lou Albano who cuts the mother of all sexist promos on her. She unleashes some HANDBAG VIOLENCE on him.
"Cyndi's gonna kill you!" *clapclapclapclap*
More in-ring stuff, before we head to the wedding reception of Paul "The Butcher" Vachon. Ooh look, a huge wedding cake! Bet nothing wacky will happen here! But first, let's open the gifts! Lou gives him a huge box of rubber bands. Blassie gives the bride some glasses to pick a better husband. Managers are dicks.
Georeg "The Animal" Steele gets to deliver the first toast. "ArrrrgghhhhhhhPUMPERNICKEL!" is a toast, right?
"Fourscore and seven years ago..."
Once again, there's a formally-dressed luchadore at the wedding. And a luchadora!
She's luchadorable!
This massively awkward sketch rolls on and on, with our first glimpse of Jesse Ventura! He's got bright orange hair, which I assume is the result of a drunken bet. Albano gets into a shouting match with dwark wrestler Sky Low Low, "Doctor D" David Schultz gets aggressive, Lou belches in the microphone and THIS THING WON'T END!
Seriously, the last FIFTEEN MINUTES is dedicated to this. I can feel my brain melting.
Of that fifteen minutes, it seemed like an hour was this bit
You know, for all the criticism levelled at modern WWE's scripted promos, it does prevent improvised cringe-fests like this. The fast-forward button gets some use for the first time. Just put someone in the cake, dammit!
Finally Schultz puts us out of our misery, cake-facing the bride.
Becuase violence to women is HILARIOUS!
A pie fight break out, thanks to George Steele, and no-one is enjoying it more than Vince. Schutlz gets to pie Vince, and holy hell he gives it to him at high velocity. Vince returns the favour to George and the world's slowest food fight breaks out. Eventually everyone is ambling around slowly, throwing chairs, spraying soft drinks and generally trashing the high school gym they're filming in.
If this sounds at all funny or interesting, it really isn't. Vince does goof around a little, demonstrating some cake-skating, but the highlight was watching the masked guy manage to bull's-eye someone from clear across the room with a pie. Good eye, my friend.
Laugh? I almost started.
FINALLY the tape ends with a series of unconnected lines from wrestlers Credits and we're out. But not before a disclaimer that "The wrestling matches on this cassette have been edited to maximise their entertainment. Careful preservation of the spirit and integrity of the matches has been maintained".
Which is weird, I as don't remember any entertainment on this whole fucking thing.
Final Thoughts: Wow. That was a crime against comedy. And there's like, twenty more to watch.
Let's start off with the very first one. Set course for wackiness, it's April of 1985's BLOOPERS, BLEEPS AND BODYSLAMS.
The tape (as I shall refer to these shows) starts off with a wonderfully over-the-top introduction, with epically-synthesised music over footage of grapplers both current (in 1985 terms) and historic. It's actually very well done, even if it does of course ends with an extended shot of Hulk Hogan.
Contrasting that is the title screen, in blocky white text on a blue background. Hellllo, 1980's!
Not impressive
Over host, from "WWF Video Control" (calling Grappler Tom!) is Gorilla Monsoon, who is surprisingly slim-looking. He's wearing the best tuxedo they could find, complete with a wonderful blue ruffled shirt. Thank GOD that's never come back into fashion. He looks like a zombie ripped his chest open.
He intro's "Bloopers, Bleeps and Bodyslams". The there's a cut and he intro's it again. Oh, ho ho ho, it's a take where he fluffs the word "bodyslams". We're off and running!
We head to the ring to join a ten-man tag in progress. Andre is captaining one of the team. In my head I hear Miracle Max saying "You ARE one of the teams!" Andre boots Don Muraco out of the ring, leading to some serious over-selling. He makes it back and, and Andre fires him to the ropes and executes a drop-down. C'mon, try the LEAPFROG, Andre!
No such luck, and he just gets up and lets Muraco run face-first into an ass the size of a small moon.
One for the Muraco family album
Then we're off to join Vince, who's getting love tips from "Classy" Freddie Blassie. Freddie is happy to play Dear Abby to the letters of WWF fans. Or "pencil-necked geeks" as he calls them. There's a phrase that's ripe for a comeback. Fred's advice to the first correspondent is a barrage of gravelly-voiced sexism.
The next letter-writer complains about her husband practising holds on her. Vince's reading of "his Superfly Splash off the dresser is too much" causes some crew-member to audibly crack up. Classy Freddie agrees whole-heartedly that some "broads" need to have holds put on them, going into detail of some hilarious spousal abuse he gave to his second wife. Vince chuckles along, although with hindsight I think we can agree this segment hasn't aged particularly well.
"Broads, huh? Can't live with 'em, can't throw 'em down a well..."
Next up is a letter from a sixty-year-old who wants to take the plunge and get her freak on with a wrestler. There's more corpsing as Vince tries to read the letter with a straight face. Blassie suggests the 18-year-old Tonga Kid would be a good match. I think he's trying to kill this nice lady off.
The segment finally dies a slow death and we throw back to Gorilla. He talks about wrestlers keeping themselves in shape through training and of course, lots of "vitamins". But what this bit is leading up to is "Iron" Mike Sharp slamming a luckless jobber into the turnbuckle, dislodging the guys hairpiece at the same time. Mike of course claims it as a trophy as the poor guy looks for a hole in the ground to crawl into.
On to "Tiger" Chung Lee, who is giving a demonstration of brick-breaking. Gorilla claims he personally had accidently purchased the bricks, accidently getting the type with steel rods in them. Cue thirty seconds of futile choppong, Vince corpsing on air, Freddie Blassic speaking in faux-Korean and the sound of a crowd calling Chung Lee a fake.
A brief (and incoherent) Lou Albano rant, followed by a posedown hosted by that connoisseur of oiled-up muscular men, Vince McMahon. It's Tony Atlas vs "Mr Wonderful. Thankfully Vince is sitting at a table, so we can't see what this does to his dress slacks. Tony wins, so Paul cold-cocks him. A oily fistfight breaks out, broken up by Vince and a silver-masked man. (Who's actually dressed for dinner, plus the mask. Because, Mexico)
"Best Day EVER!"-Vince
We're off to meet the Iron Sheik's camel.
Who I shall name "Pooky"
This leads to Vince calling in Lord Alfred Hayes to assess the camel's attributes, camel expert that he is. Vince manages to call it both a "cammebell" and a "camera" in quick succession, ALMOST making the Sheik laugh. This is a weird segment. And just as I type that, Gorilla promises Kamala the Ugandan Giant and a performing chicken.
Oooo-kay.
Freddie Blassie brings out the chicken, along with "Friday", a proto-Kim Chee. The chicken's act is to be Kamala's lunch. This is luckily done with a jump cut to avoid any on-camera Ozzy Osbourne-ing.
On to MIDGET MADNESS! Danny Carpenter vs The Haiti Kid. Big crowd on hand for whatever event this was. It's full-bore Dwarven Comedy, with butt-biting leading to Danny managing to pin the vertically-challenged referee on a slingshot. A couple of pinfall attempts end up with The Kid getting tossed into the ref's arms and dumped on his face. And that's all we get, heading off instead to watch Vince having polka lessons from Ivan Putski.
I KNEW these tapes were going to to provide screencap fodder.
Over to Hulk Hogan, making smoothies full of "Python Powder". Man, they're just forcing me to make steroid jokes, aren't they? Vince quite enjoys powering down a protein shake. And so, a cover of "Muscle and Fitness" magazine was suddenly in his future.
Back to Love Advice, this time with Captain Lou in the hotseat. He gives some hygiene and weight loss tips. Oh, my aching sides. This segments are the longest thing on this tape so far, and boy howdy, they're awful.
Winner, Worst Shirt, 1983-1989
WWF Top Chef is next, as The Wild Samoans demonstrate their culinary skills for Vince. Hilarious 80's cultural insensitivity ensues as Afa and Sika speak Samoan and dissect a giant fish. Lord Alfred Hayes plays fall guy, getting to try a little raw fish. He's not a fan. He also gets to do his patented "disgusted face" over a bowl of boiled fish. Holy fuck, this is anti-comedy.
KOMEDY!
Back at last the Gorilla, who promises the "biggest blooper of all time". Okay, I'm sitting down. He sets the scene... a tag title match between the Wild Samoans and "Soul Man" Rocky Johnson and Tony Atlas.
In the ring, Atlas has just gotten the hot tag is is cleaning house, (clichés for everyone!) when the ref gets bumped. Lou Albano leaps in and... d'oh, puts a wooden chair to the top of his own guys skull. The ref revives instantly to count the pinfall.
Not sure that's going to overtake Booker T calling Hogan the N-Word as far as bloopers go.
More ethnic comedy coming up, as Salvatore Bellomo (who I have NEVER heard of, despite him having a 30-year career) makes a pizza. That's the whole bit.
From ethnic stereotyping to a weird improvised taped bit, with Mean Gene and Dick Murdoch getting a tour of Adrian Adonis's old New York neighbourhood. Adrian happily talks to random dropouts, pretending they're related to him. How they hell did no one get mugged while filming this? They stop for a hotdog, but this is pre-Adorable Adrian, so there's no dick-related humour.
This man has ZERO idea of what's going on
Just a bunch of in-ring clips next. Plenty of bodyslams, so we've got that part of the titles sorted. Also a hilarious bit where Andre tosses one of Heenan's guys out of the ring, the wanders over the step on both heels hands simultaneously. Thanks, Bobby, that's the first real humour on this tape.
They call this "The Instant Flippers"
Oh God, more Advice for the Lovelorn, with "Luscious" Johnny V. He cuts a rapid-fire promo on the first letter-writer while staring at the wrong camera. Nice one, dude. The second letter up is from a man who put a Mexican wrestlers mask on is wife to improve her looks. Jesus, who was writing this shit? Next, a woman who likes ugly men. Johnny suggests Hogan, chortle, chortle, while plugging Brutus Beefcake as a "15-20" out of ten for looks.
Johnny appears to be wearing his face upside down today
And then one from a lady who wants to get into a "16-20 man Battle Royal". Time to put the kids to bed, folks!
Thank Christ that one ends with Johnny just babbling away wildly.
Andre the Giant gets interviewed by Vince and Alfred. This is the classic moment where he slams his size Holy-Fuck Boots onto Vince's desk, then plays Facehugger with Alfred's head. He also gets to goof around with a Caribbean band. Probably the best segment of the tape so far.
Lord Alfred HMGHHHHPF
Piper interviews Cyndi Lauper, getting interrupted by Lou Albano who cuts the mother of all sexist promos on her. She unleashes some HANDBAG VIOLENCE on him.
"Cyndi's gonna kill you!" *clapclapclapclap*
More in-ring stuff, before we head to the wedding reception of Paul "The Butcher" Vachon. Ooh look, a huge wedding cake! Bet nothing wacky will happen here! But first, let's open the gifts! Lou gives him a huge box of rubber bands. Blassie gives the bride some glasses to pick a better husband. Managers are dicks.
Georeg "The Animal" Steele gets to deliver the first toast. "ArrrrgghhhhhhhPUMPERNICKEL!" is a toast, right?
"Fourscore and seven years ago..."
Once again, there's a formally-dressed luchadore at the wedding. And a luchadora!
She's luchadorable!
This massively awkward sketch rolls on and on, with our first glimpse of Jesse Ventura! He's got bright orange hair, which I assume is the result of a drunken bet. Albano gets into a shouting match with dwark wrestler Sky Low Low, "Doctor D" David Schultz gets aggressive, Lou belches in the microphone and THIS THING WON'T END!
Seriously, the last FIFTEEN MINUTES is dedicated to this. I can feel my brain melting.
Of that fifteen minutes, it seemed like an hour was this bit
You know, for all the criticism levelled at modern WWE's scripted promos, it does prevent improvised cringe-fests like this. The fast-forward button gets some use for the first time. Just put someone in the cake, dammit!
Finally Schultz puts us out of our misery, cake-facing the bride.
Becuase violence to women is HILARIOUS!
A pie fight break out, thanks to George Steele, and no-one is enjoying it more than Vince. Schutlz gets to pie Vince, and holy hell he gives it to him at high velocity. Vince returns the favour to George and the world's slowest food fight breaks out. Eventually everyone is ambling around slowly, throwing chairs, spraying soft drinks and generally trashing the high school gym they're filming in.
If this sounds at all funny or interesting, it really isn't. Vince does goof around a little, demonstrating some cake-skating, but the highlight was watching the masked guy manage to bull's-eye someone from clear across the room with a pie. Good eye, my friend.
Laugh? I almost started.
FINALLY the tape ends with a series of unconnected lines from wrestlers Credits and we're out. But not before a disclaimer that "The wrestling matches on this cassette have been edited to maximise their entertainment. Careful preservation of the spirit and integrity of the matches has been maintained".
Which is weird, I as don't remember any entertainment on this whole fucking thing.
Final Thoughts: Wow. That was a crime against comedy. And there's like, twenty more to watch.
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