WWE Review: Saturday Nights Main Event, January 5th, 1986.
Saturday Nights Main Event, January 5th, 1986.
Let's dip back into the SNME archives, coming to us tonight from Florida. Right off the bat, my eyes are assaulted with fluorescent yellow as Hulk Hogan makes a smoothie for Mean Gene. Gene reacts in such a way I suspect I know what Hulk's "secret ingredient" is.
"Mmm, you can really taste the steroi.. vitamins!"
Meanwhile, Rowdy Roddy sunbathes and spies on Hillbilly Jim through binoculars. Not my personal peeping choice, but each to their own.
First up tonight, a "Peace Match" (Exsqueeze me? Baking powder?) between Corporal Kirchner and Nikolai Volkoff. Alos tonight, The Junkyard Dog is wrestling AND has a Waterslide Contest against Jimmy Hart. My butt is officially in my seat, Vince. Later, George Steele vs Macho Man, and Hogan defends the title against Terry Funk.
Vince's commentary partner interjects and HOLY SHIT, I am going to have to blatantly steal a picture from fellow Something Awful WWE reviewer, Rarity.
Yes, I asked her permission for this
Yes, Jesse "The Body" has arrived in... Well, this indescribable outfit.
I'm not even sure where to begin
Everything about this ensemble is amazing. The multi-coloured jacket, the nu-wave glasses, the hat that looks like Jesse fucked up a brunette dye job. Wowzers.
Jesse is in the ring tonight! YAY! Against Uncle Elmer. No yay.
Bonus WTF, Jesse
Jesse brings in Bobby Heenan to cover his spot. Good call. Meanwhile, Mean Gene has Jesse's tag partners standing by, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and "Cowboy" Bob Orton. Roddy doesn't seem impressed with their opponents. He must have seen them wrestle before. Once we flashback to the ACTUAL on-screen wedding of Uncle Elmer, because yes, that happened, Gene gets to interview the hillbillies. It's the team of Hillbilly Jim, Uncle Elmer & Cousin Luke.
*strains of banjo music and the faint screams of Ned Beatty*
Three hillbillies in the ring at once? You can only IMAGINE how happy this makes Vince.
No, happier than that. HAPPIER!
Yes, Donald Trump with a family-sized bucket of KFC happy.
Jesse starts off against Uncle Elmer, Elmer hits Jesse with everything in his arsenal, which is of course, two punches two the head. Jesse helps out by flinging himself headfirst into a turnbuckle on the second one. Elmer tags out to Hillbilly Jim, Jesse gets the Hot Rod in so Jim tags in Cousin Luke. There's actually been more tags than moves in this match so far.
Rod offers a handshake and gets a boot in the gut instead. The heels take over on Luke, who's wrestling in bib overalls and bare feet. Apparently, the Great Depression never ended in Mudlick, Kentucky. Luke eventually tags in Uncle Elmer, leading to the most technical move of the match. It's a bear hug, but it beats the "Punches Only" match we've had so far. Roddy goes to the eyes and here comes the all-in brawl.
And the first commercial break.
It's still going as we get back from a break. Eventually we end up with Jim vs Piper. They exchange slaps before Piper backs Jim into the corner to be worked over. For about six seconds. He tags in Luke, who double-axe handles everyone. All hell breaks loose as Piper puts the sleeper on Luke, allowing Orton to load up his arm cast and KO Luke with it.
"Tell.. my pigs.. I said... soo... ee.. ughhh"
Piper slaps the sleeper back on, and the heels win.
Rating: 0.25 Country Boys.
Jesse returns to the announce table. He did a great job in there, according to himself.
Previously, JYD pants's and "brands" Jimmy Hart in the ring. To settle this blood-feud... a waterslide contest!
Yes, I'm not sure how that works, either.
Mean Gene actually interviews both of them at the top of the waterslide. This has GOT to come back for Summer Slam! Jimmy gets a bad start out of the gate, but Jesse is doing colour commentary by the pool, and he's calling shenanigans. Stupid Brad from the waterpark ruined his chances. Jimmy proceeds to attempt to drown himself for our amusement.
Stil more entertaining than Olympic Synchronised Swimming.
He then interviews Terry Funk, who's at poolside, in his chaps and cowboy hat. The rest of the Village People will be along soon.
Helloooooo, ladies!
We recap Terry getting DQ'ed against Hulk in Dever. He somehow manages to brand Hulk with a cold branding iron, which just shows how much of a badass Terry is.
Time for the rematch! Hulk Hogan vs. Terry Funk, Hulk has The JYD with him to look after Jimmy Hart. There's a mismatch for you.
WE come back from commercial as Hulk's in control. Hulk clotheslines Funk to the floor, although it sure as hell took everything Terry had to get over the top rope. He returns, only to evacuate the ring in the least dignified way possible, practically destroying the timekeepers table in the process.
Sign: "Jimmy Hart's Got Branded Buns"-Well, that's just smart markteting to get into baked goods.
Hulk's sporting the baby-blue ballhuggers tonight
Terry headbutts and mulekicks to take over. He goes up., only to take the Crushed Balls Express to the top rope thanks to Hogan. Jimmy grabs the leg of Hogan, then scarpers and hides under the ring. Funk chokes out Hogan with his wrist tape and hits a piledriver for 2. Hogan actually sells it with a really weak kickout.
Well, that doesn't make up for the next decade of fucking over people's finishers, but mild respect for that one, Bollea.
Hulk hulks up, and hits the Big Boot. Terry ends up outside the ring and nails Hogan with the branding iron, Covers, Hulk gets a leg on the ropes at 2. The JYD flattens poor Jimmy Hart, Hulks takes out Funk with a big clothesline and retains.
Rating 1.25 Real Americans. Not bad for a Hogan match.
Funk flings chairs around and then just drags Jimmy back to the locker room.
That wasn't a metaphor
Next up, George Steele is in action. But first a flashback to him getting psychological treatment in what seems to be an Ed D Wood, Jr. movie.
Tor Johnson IS George Steele IN 'The Beast That Got a Roomba Stuck on his Head!"
Meanwhile, Macho teaches Elizabeth to swim by throwing her in a pool. What a dick.
But any excuse to show Liz in her swimsuit is forgivable
In the ring, Geoerge goes all warm and squishy over Elizabeth.
"Purrrrrty"
Jesse cranks his sexism up to Maximum, telling Randy to "put Elizabeth in her place!". Different times, etc. Steele chases Randy around, snacks on his forehead and tosses him. He gets distracted by Liz, of course, so Randy gets a chance to get a few licks in, they brawl on the floor until Randy hides behind Elizabeth.
Back inside, George eats a turnbuckle, which gets a bigger pop than several 2017 mid-carders,
Top-rope double axe-handle ends things abruptly, Macho wins.
Rating: 0.25 consumed turnbuckles.
Just noticed there's a dude in the crowd who's actually in bib overalls. In FLORIDA?
A rare sighting of Second-Cousin Incetus Banjo Poopjoke
Break time! We come back to a "1985 Year in Review" power-chord-heavy music video. Wrestlemania I features prominently, along with what looks like some good matches between Tito and Savage. There's also a Halloween clip, with Roddy Piper (dressed as Superman) sexually molesting Elizabeth. BAD TOUCH! Moolah dropkicks a referee, Snuka takes a coconut to the skull, Hulk pretends to play bass guitar, hillbillies dance, Cyndi Lauper dances and somebody pulls a proto-moonsault. (One foot still on the middle turnbuckle, but huge points for effort, dude.)
Impressive!
Less than impressive
Nikolai Volkoff vs Hulk! Roddy vs Mr Wonderful! And uh... Uncle Elmer french-kissing his new wife. Well, they can't all be gems.
Next up, Volkoff vs Kirchner. The Iron Sheik turns up during Volkoff's interview, dropping the classic "Gene Mean!". Love that guy.
JABRONIS CAPTION GO FUCK YOUSELF
Jesse interviews Corporal Kirchner, who has all the promo skills of an extra on AMERICAN NINJA 3. He was an actual U.S Army Paratrooper, so I can't really dump on his acting skills, I suppose.
Pre-match, Volkoff sings the Soviet National Anthem, getting a free shower courtesy of one of the fans drinks. Fuck your Glasnost, commie! Kirchner arrives with an escort from the U.S Marines. This is a "Peace Match", thanks to Reagan and Gorbachev getting all pally. As far as I can tell, it just means "no hitting". Hope you like armlocks!
And whatever the hell was going on here
They work some basic amateur wrestling, with clean breaks and even a mid-match hand-shake. Volkoff even pulls out a cartwheel, which is impressive for a man who looks like a shaved polar bear. Kirchner works an armlock and small packages him for 2. Volkoff's suddenly had enough of this namby-pamby "clean wrestling", dropping Kirchner on the top rope and then dropping a knee on his face for the pin.
Rating: 0.5 copies of Pravda.
Kirchner beats up the heels afterwards. No peace in our times, I'm afraid.
Main event time! Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat & The Junkyard Dog vs "The Magnificent" Muraco and Mr Fuji. Fuji gives a pre-match interview where he says they roast dogs in his country. Not only horribly racist, also geographically confused.
But mainly racist.
Match is now in progress, with Muraco working over JYD. JYD misses a falling headbutt, which just makes me cringe. Muraco takes a bodyslam like a sack of potatoes and tries to tag in Ricky by mistake. It goes badly for him. JYD takes some punishment from Fuji, who IS a person who can get away with wrestling barefoot.
Muraco finally runs himself into the ringpost, Ricky tags in and demolishes Muraco with chops. Enziguri from Steamboat and he heads to the top for the flying bodypress. Fuji breaks it up st 2. JYD tags in and headbutts Fuji into another dimension for the pin.
"Well, there goes the memories of ALL my childhood pets!"
Rating: 1.75 badly-dressed fans.
Back to Vince and Jeese "I Dressed in the Dark" Ventura to wrap it up.
Final Thoughts: It was okay, I suppose. The wacky poolside shenanigans were miles better than anything that happened in the ring.
Let's dip back into the SNME archives, coming to us tonight from Florida. Right off the bat, my eyes are assaulted with fluorescent yellow as Hulk Hogan makes a smoothie for Mean Gene. Gene reacts in such a way I suspect I know what Hulk's "secret ingredient" is.
"Mmm, you can really taste the steroi.. vitamins!"
Meanwhile, Rowdy Roddy sunbathes and spies on Hillbilly Jim through binoculars. Not my personal peeping choice, but each to their own.
First up tonight, a "Peace Match" (Exsqueeze me? Baking powder?) between Corporal Kirchner and Nikolai Volkoff. Alos tonight, The Junkyard Dog is wrestling AND has a Waterslide Contest against Jimmy Hart. My butt is officially in my seat, Vince. Later, George Steele vs Macho Man, and Hogan defends the title against Terry Funk.
Vince's commentary partner interjects and HOLY SHIT, I am going to have to blatantly steal a picture from fellow Something Awful WWE reviewer, Rarity.
Yes, I asked her permission for this
Yes, Jesse "The Body" has arrived in... Well, this indescribable outfit.
I'm not even sure where to begin
Everything about this ensemble is amazing. The multi-coloured jacket, the nu-wave glasses, the hat that looks like Jesse fucked up a brunette dye job. Wowzers.
Jesse is in the ring tonight! YAY! Against Uncle Elmer. No yay.
Bonus WTF, Jesse
Jesse brings in Bobby Heenan to cover his spot. Good call. Meanwhile, Mean Gene has Jesse's tag partners standing by, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and "Cowboy" Bob Orton. Roddy doesn't seem impressed with their opponents. He must have seen them wrestle before. Once we flashback to the ACTUAL on-screen wedding of Uncle Elmer, because yes, that happened, Gene gets to interview the hillbillies. It's the team of Hillbilly Jim, Uncle Elmer & Cousin Luke.
*strains of banjo music and the faint screams of Ned Beatty*
Three hillbillies in the ring at once? You can only IMAGINE how happy this makes Vince.
No, happier than that. HAPPIER!
Yes, Donald Trump with a family-sized bucket of KFC happy.
Jesse starts off against Uncle Elmer, Elmer hits Jesse with everything in his arsenal, which is of course, two punches two the head. Jesse helps out by flinging himself headfirst into a turnbuckle on the second one. Elmer tags out to Hillbilly Jim, Jesse gets the Hot Rod in so Jim tags in Cousin Luke. There's actually been more tags than moves in this match so far.
Rod offers a handshake and gets a boot in the gut instead. The heels take over on Luke, who's wrestling in bib overalls and bare feet. Apparently, the Great Depression never ended in Mudlick, Kentucky. Luke eventually tags in Uncle Elmer, leading to the most technical move of the match. It's a bear hug, but it beats the "Punches Only" match we've had so far. Roddy goes to the eyes and here comes the all-in brawl.
And the first commercial break.
It's still going as we get back from a break. Eventually we end up with Jim vs Piper. They exchange slaps before Piper backs Jim into the corner to be worked over. For about six seconds. He tags in Luke, who double-axe handles everyone. All hell breaks loose as Piper puts the sleeper on Luke, allowing Orton to load up his arm cast and KO Luke with it.
"Tell.. my pigs.. I said... soo... ee.. ughhh"
Piper slaps the sleeper back on, and the heels win.
Rating: 0.25 Country Boys.
Jesse returns to the announce table. He did a great job in there, according to himself.
Previously, JYD pants's and "brands" Jimmy Hart in the ring. To settle this blood-feud... a waterslide contest!
Yes, I'm not sure how that works, either.
Mean Gene actually interviews both of them at the top of the waterslide. This has GOT to come back for Summer Slam! Jimmy gets a bad start out of the gate, but Jesse is doing colour commentary by the pool, and he's calling shenanigans. Stupid Brad from the waterpark ruined his chances. Jimmy proceeds to attempt to drown himself for our amusement.
Stil more entertaining than Olympic Synchronised Swimming.
He then interviews Terry Funk, who's at poolside, in his chaps and cowboy hat. The rest of the Village People will be along soon.
Helloooooo, ladies!
We recap Terry getting DQ'ed against Hulk in Dever. He somehow manages to brand Hulk with a cold branding iron, which just shows how much of a badass Terry is.
Time for the rematch! Hulk Hogan vs. Terry Funk, Hulk has The JYD with him to look after Jimmy Hart. There's a mismatch for you.
WE come back from commercial as Hulk's in control. Hulk clotheslines Funk to the floor, although it sure as hell took everything Terry had to get over the top rope. He returns, only to evacuate the ring in the least dignified way possible, practically destroying the timekeepers table in the process.
Sign: "Jimmy Hart's Got Branded Buns"-Well, that's just smart markteting to get into baked goods.
Hulk's sporting the baby-blue ballhuggers tonight
Terry headbutts and mulekicks to take over. He goes up., only to take the Crushed Balls Express to the top rope thanks to Hogan. Jimmy grabs the leg of Hogan, then scarpers and hides under the ring. Funk chokes out Hogan with his wrist tape and hits a piledriver for 2. Hogan actually sells it with a really weak kickout.
Well, that doesn't make up for the next decade of fucking over people's finishers, but mild respect for that one, Bollea.
Hulk hulks up, and hits the Big Boot. Terry ends up outside the ring and nails Hogan with the branding iron, Covers, Hulk gets a leg on the ropes at 2. The JYD flattens poor Jimmy Hart, Hulks takes out Funk with a big clothesline and retains.
Rating 1.25 Real Americans. Not bad for a Hogan match.
Funk flings chairs around and then just drags Jimmy back to the locker room.
That wasn't a metaphor
Next up, George Steele is in action. But first a flashback to him getting psychological treatment in what seems to be an Ed D Wood, Jr. movie.
Tor Johnson IS George Steele IN 'The Beast That Got a Roomba Stuck on his Head!"
Meanwhile, Macho teaches Elizabeth to swim by throwing her in a pool. What a dick.
But any excuse to show Liz in her swimsuit is forgivable
In the ring, Geoerge goes all warm and squishy over Elizabeth.
"Purrrrrty"
Jesse cranks his sexism up to Maximum, telling Randy to "put Elizabeth in her place!". Different times, etc. Steele chases Randy around, snacks on his forehead and tosses him. He gets distracted by Liz, of course, so Randy gets a chance to get a few licks in, they brawl on the floor until Randy hides behind Elizabeth.
Back inside, George eats a turnbuckle, which gets a bigger pop than several 2017 mid-carders,
Top-rope double axe-handle ends things abruptly, Macho wins.
Rating: 0.25 consumed turnbuckles.
Just noticed there's a dude in the crowd who's actually in bib overalls. In FLORIDA?
A rare sighting of Second-Cousin Incetus Banjo Poopjoke
Break time! We come back to a "1985 Year in Review" power-chord-heavy music video. Wrestlemania I features prominently, along with what looks like some good matches between Tito and Savage. There's also a Halloween clip, with Roddy Piper (dressed as Superman) sexually molesting Elizabeth. BAD TOUCH! Moolah dropkicks a referee, Snuka takes a coconut to the skull, Hulk pretends to play bass guitar, hillbillies dance, Cyndi Lauper dances and somebody pulls a proto-moonsault. (One foot still on the middle turnbuckle, but huge points for effort, dude.)
Impressive!
Less than impressive
Nikolai Volkoff vs Hulk! Roddy vs Mr Wonderful! And uh... Uncle Elmer french-kissing his new wife. Well, they can't all be gems.
Next up, Volkoff vs Kirchner. The Iron Sheik turns up during Volkoff's interview, dropping the classic "Gene Mean!". Love that guy.
JABRONIS CAPTION GO FUCK YOUSELF
Jesse interviews Corporal Kirchner, who has all the promo skills of an extra on AMERICAN NINJA 3. He was an actual U.S Army Paratrooper, so I can't really dump on his acting skills, I suppose.
Pre-match, Volkoff sings the Soviet National Anthem, getting a free shower courtesy of one of the fans drinks. Fuck your Glasnost, commie! Kirchner arrives with an escort from the U.S Marines. This is a "Peace Match", thanks to Reagan and Gorbachev getting all pally. As far as I can tell, it just means "no hitting". Hope you like armlocks!
And whatever the hell was going on here
They work some basic amateur wrestling, with clean breaks and even a mid-match hand-shake. Volkoff even pulls out a cartwheel, which is impressive for a man who looks like a shaved polar bear. Kirchner works an armlock and small packages him for 2. Volkoff's suddenly had enough of this namby-pamby "clean wrestling", dropping Kirchner on the top rope and then dropping a knee on his face for the pin.
Rating: 0.5 copies of Pravda.
Kirchner beats up the heels afterwards. No peace in our times, I'm afraid.
Main event time! Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat & The Junkyard Dog vs "The Magnificent" Muraco and Mr Fuji. Fuji gives a pre-match interview where he says they roast dogs in his country. Not only horribly racist, also geographically confused.
But mainly racist.
Match is now in progress, with Muraco working over JYD. JYD misses a falling headbutt, which just makes me cringe. Muraco takes a bodyslam like a sack of potatoes and tries to tag in Ricky by mistake. It goes badly for him. JYD takes some punishment from Fuji, who IS a person who can get away with wrestling barefoot.
Muraco finally runs himself into the ringpost, Ricky tags in and demolishes Muraco with chops. Enziguri from Steamboat and he heads to the top for the flying bodypress. Fuji breaks it up st 2. JYD tags in and headbutts Fuji into another dimension for the pin.
"Well, there goes the memories of ALL my childhood pets!"
Rating: 1.75 badly-dressed fans.
Back to Vince and Jeese "I Dressed in the Dark" Ventura to wrap it up.
Final Thoughts: It was okay, I suppose. The wacky poolside shenanigans were miles better than anything that happened in the ring.
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