WWE Network Review: WCW Nitro, August 3rd, 1999
Nitro, August 3rd, 1999
Time to self-flagellate myself with another WCW Nitro, this one on request from fellow Something Awful goon Exploding Mummy. Well, you never know, it could have been suggested becuase it's a great show!
I'm an eternal optimist, I know.
We slam straight into a cold open of Macho Man, Gorgeous George and... great, Dennis Rodman.
Thanks bundles, Exploding Mummy.
A bunch of rapid-fire stuff happens, including Nash tapping Hogan with the lightest chairshot of 1999, before we are LIVE from somewhere or other. Two weeks until Road Wild. So, let's have a second recap of Kevin Nash slamming people, Kevin Nash winning titles and just plain footage of Kevin Nash. At Road Wild, Nash vs Hogan for the title! Strange, I though Kevin Nash has STOPPED booking WCW by this point. Scott Hudson and Bobby Heenan are at the commentary table.
More recpappery, as Harlem Heat reunites on the previous Thursdays Thunder. Pretty sure Stevie-Ray was all over that booking decision.
First match, and it's the Tag Team Champions of Kanyon and Bam Bam Bigelow. Who enter BEHIND Diamond Dallas Page, which makes me think they're Freebirding at at first. Technically they are, as the three of them are "The Triad". With that name, I'm guessing a messy gangland-style assassination is imminent.
DDP wants to to see how stupid the fans are, asking Kanyon to "Hit it!" Kanyon TRIES to hit it, but the crack WCW production crew have forgotten to turn on his microphone. That's so WCW! *sad trumpet*
"WHO BETTER THAN OUR AUDIO TEAM?"
The Triad call out Harlem Heat, using the phrase "Fruit Bootys". In the cereal aisle now! DDP actually hits Chris Benoit with "Yo Mama" jokes, because apparently his script was written in 1978. He also tells Benoit that David Flair is a better U.S Champion than he ever was. Now THAT'S fucking funny!
Harlem Heat come out, as I scan for signs. Yes, it's 1999, all right, judging by the amount of people taking the chance to call their friends gay on national TV.
Sign: "Gary Coleman 3:16"-He would whip your ass, if he could reach it.
We're under way as the bell rings at about 190db. Holy shit, that could wake the dead! Didn't wake my cat, however. Lazy fucker.
The Heat kick Kanyon around for a while until he tags out to Bam Bam.
Sign: "I'm with stupid" (Arrow pointing downwards)-Well, you paid to go see a Nitro, can't argue with facts.
The heels outmuscle Stevie-Ray (well, Bam Bam does, anyway) until he makes a lukewarm tag. Kaynon manages to somehow fuck up a whip and nearly gives himself whiplash on the top rope. Bam Bam tags and in and hits one of the stranger dropkicks I've seen, hitting Booker on both sides of his throat at once. For a split-second I thought Bam Bam had gone for a VERY optimistic attempt at a hurricanrana. Stevie tags back in and cleans house. Pier sixer, Kanyon eats the Sidekick, DDP tries to take out Booker with the belt, only to go flying thanks to Benoit. (Who was in street clothes, making me think a fan ran in!)
Booker pins Kaynon for the win.
Rating: 1.5 Fat Mommnas. (Not bad, just felt rushed)
Backstage, two guys eat lollypops and talk about the Cats pyjamas. I have NO idea who these two are.
What WAS it with Nitro and lollypops?
Nitro girls dance, fireworks go "whoosh" and we're live from Sioux Falls, North Dakota. Why DID Nitro always do the opening titles 20 minutes in? Never mind, Sting is here!
Crowd sign "S T N G"-Psst, Chad, wanna put down your beer and get with the program?
Sting needs a tag team partner, so cue the "GOLDBERG" chants. Sting will be back at 9pm for an answer. Cool, I'm going to go make a sandwich.
The man they call Stng, apparently
Up next, it's Ernest "The Cat" Miller, who's wrestling Buff Bagwell at Road Wild. Because Buff switched out his loaded Ruby Slippers with Bunny Slippers. I'm not making that up. Also, Buff apparently has been guilty of using blackface in a promo.
I repeat, blackface. In 1999.
Holy shit, WCW, I know you were in the based in one of the Southern states, but that's pretty much a dick move wherever you live.
The Cat calls it the two dudes from earlier, and it's Lenny and Lodi. Now what sort of gimmick were they... oh right, heels by way of being gay. *sigh* God, I hope this particular gimmick is dead and buried by now.
Lodi brings a sign: "Why can't we have Wham back?" -These are the jokes, folks.
Also this. Ho ho ho, my aching sides.
The Cat proceeds to commit a hate-crime on Lodi, before kicking the shit out of his glitter-wearing life-partner, too. Kick in the face ends it for Lodi.
Rating: 0.0005 Liberace references. Less said about this the better.
After the break, Mean Gene brings out WCW champion, "Hollywood" Hogan. Hogan talks about Nash as I count the homoerotic lines he drops. "We have a date in Sturges, Brah! We've been playing games in the locker room for too long!" He better watch out or The Cat will turn up to beat the shit out of him. Hulks wearing a necklace made of huge paperclips, which seems practical in case of some unexpected paperwork popping up.
Sign: Some kid just holds uo a sign with his ICQ number on it. Bet he didn't get a bunch of weirdos messaging him.
We recap Stings promo from 18 minutes ago. Scott and Bobby spin their wheels for a few more minutes until Sting shows up again. Because the "W" stands for "waffling", not "wrestling". Backstage, they fuck up cueing Goldberg, making him stand around awkwardly for a few seconds before starting his walk to the arena. Sid and Rick Steiner ambush him, then drag Sting out to the ring when he tries to help out. Sting holds his own for a few seconds, then gets beat down.
Steiner 99'er: Underbiker on top, Andre down below
Goldberg meanwhile has managed to no-sell a snow-shovel shot and goes full Bill, kicking open a heavy door in a MUCH better-timed shot. He runs off the heels, and we recap the entire beatdown before a break.
Then recap it a THIRD time when they come back. I GET IT! Goldberg good, Sid bad, Sting cool, Rick not drunk tonight.
Evan Karagias is in our next match. My spellchecker is going to LOVE that name! He's up against Disco Inferno. Too early for a Disco Duck, but man, he's rocking those gold pants like a champ.
Shiny
Evan dropkicks Disco all over the ring, but gets atomic dropped and clotheslined as Scott and Bobby pretty much ignore everything that's happening in the ring. They recap the show so far, they plug the upcoming events, they talk about the new Nitro Grill in Vegas. (Shit, WCW decided to lose money in a restaurant as well, huh?) Bobby makes a mild few one-liners. Man, he's sounding seriously unmotivated in WCW. They start to call the match, then suddenly start talking about the upcoming matches until Disco hits the Last Dance and wins.
Way to treat your young and talented wrestlers, WCW. And Disco.
Rating: No rating. If WCW didn't give a shit about the match, why should I?
Backstage, David Flair sits on a couch and looks bored. Hey, they makes two of us!
More Nitro Girls. Not enough to snap me out of the coma that David Flair put me in. The Sid promo comes closer.
What the Universe sees before it cries itself to sleep
Sign: "DDP Bangs Sheep"-Oooh, think there might be a libel case in your future, buddy!
Hugh Morrus & Jerry Flynn arrive with Jimmy Hart. Their opponents, Dean Malenko and Shane Douglas. I was briefly jolted awake, thinking that the first team had Jerry Lynn in it. Douglas and Malenko control the match, as is only good and right. It's another rushed match, as guys start selling like they've been in the ring an hour after mere minutes.
This match is pretty much only saved by Jimmy's jacket
Worse, every time Hugh and Shane are in together, Douglas can been seen literally YANKING Hugh into position for moves. This is Yo Mama Ugly. Flynn and Morrus beat up Malenko, who now appears to have been in an Ironamn match. It's been about five minutes. Hot (?) tag to Douglas, shenanigans and miscommunications occur. Pittsburgh Plunge by Douglas ends it.
Not a pretty sight.
Rating: 1.25 homophobic signs.
We now pause for a boring music video of Goldberg. And some more Nitro Girls. Were spinning the wheels tonight, baby!
Well, with an hour to go, I have to say, this is 90% less frustratingly awful as the 2000 Nitro that nearly killed me. But it's also not good, either. It's almost been too middle-of-the-road to keep my attention.
Oh well, send out Rick Steiner. Hopefully he'll fuck up and maim someone in an amusing fashion.
He drags Scott Hudson into the ring and suplexes him for no readily apparant reason. Other than for the fact it's Scott Hudson. Did Scott have a hot date he needed to get to?
"Don't wait up, guys!"
Scott does a stretcher job as Eric Bischoff takes over on commentary. Not sure that's an upgrade, frankly.
Bobby Duncum, Jr of the West Texas Rednecks heads on out. Well, if "Rap is Crap" is the best part of this show, the last hour is going to DRAG. He's up against Perry Saturn. Who hasn't been forced to dress like a bald leather-clad hooker this week.
But first, Curt Henning arrives to berate the crowd and gross out my wife with by batting his gum at the fans. He cuts a promo on a country singer who's arriving next week. I will point out that no-one outside of South Dakota (well, maybe Texas too) gives a crap about this. Perry demolishes Duncum with a suplex and bitches out Henning. They get into a brawl in the ring, the bell rings a second time and apparently this is now a match. Not sure how that works, but fuck it, let's go!
Three sluggish minutes of kicking and punching later, I'm in agreement woth a sign in the front row.
Sign: "Thank God for the Nitro Girls"
Death Valley Driver should finish it for Perry, until all the Rednecks swarm the ring and hogtie him.
Rating: 0.25 verses of Rap is Craaaaaaap. It's pretty sad to see Curt half-assing it in the ring.
Malenko and Douglas make the save.
Recap of David Flair wining the U.S title off Chris Benoit, because WCW existed in a parallel universe where that was possible.
Here's the proof that this happened. No idea WHY it happened, of course.
DDP vs Chris Benoit is next. Bischoff is hyping it as an instant classic. That remains to be seen, as WCW is sucking the life out of everything tonight.
They trade spit in the face before Benoit gets the crossface right off the bat. Too close to the ropes, of course. They start trading reversals, and to give them credit, they are actually trying to have a half-decent match,. DDP DRILLS Benoit with a spinning powerbomb and works the legs. He also drops an elbow DIRECTLY on Benoits nuts. Good aim, Dallas. Benoit returns the favour by crotching him on the top turnbuckle.
Benoit chops the heck out of DDP and gets a few 2-counts of Geman Suplexes. DDP mule-kicks him and hits a uranage for 2. Benoits DDT's him, hits the flying headbutt, then makes my night by punching David Flair in the middle of his stupid face on an attempted run-in.
Rollup by DDP is reversed into a pin for Benoit.
Rating: 2 punches of David Flairs bored-looking face. Okay match, even if it was all of eight minutes long.
The Triad runs-in a little too late, DDP give Benoit three Diamond Cutters and whips him with a belt.
Commercial break, and we're back with Mean Gene and Randy Savage. Randy shouts a lot, and basically threatens to kill multiple people, especially Dennis Rodman. Who he then calls out. Was THIS why Exploded Mummy wanted me to see this?
Mona shows up instead. Mona can't act, which is a shame, as they let her talk.
Mona wants her old job with Macho back, whereupon he sticks a finger in her face and screams "ARE YOU LOYAL TO THE MACHO MAN!". Well, way to make things uncomfortable, Macho. He then forces her to her knees and yells at her to beg him for her job back. Yeah, this has NOT aged well.
Dennis Rodman finally answers Macho's call, arriving in a metallic patchwork coat of many colours. Not many people could pull that look off, and I'm not even sure he did.
Your next ambassador to North Korea, America
Randy and Dennis exchange expletive-laden insults until Mona low-blows Macho. Rodman drops an elbow or two on him. Well, I'd rather watch Rodman drop elbows than let him talk any more.
We've still got one match before the Main Event, so let's send out.. oh shit, Raven, Vampiro and the ICP? Fuck me, it's like all my bad dreams got written down and accidently made into a wrestling show. Let me just chant a mantra.
PLEASE DON'T LET THEM TALK! PLEASE DON'T LET THEM TALK!
Oh thank God. They don't, and their opponent is Eddie Guerrero. Even better, Eddie gets to show off a few moves right off the bat.
Then the ICP interfere and Eddie has to sell for Vampiro. Way to book 'em, WCW!
Vampiro tosses Eddie out of the ring and right onto a cameraman. Great, let's try and injure Eddie so we can watch more Disco Inferno matches instead. Back inside, Eddie bumps like a pinball as the crowd chants for the ICP. Was it "half-Price for Rednecks" night? Eddie takes over with a sweet top-rope armdrag and proceeds to make the ICP his bitch.
And there was much rejoicing
Raven interferes, Vampiro wins. You're fucking kidding me, right?
Rating: 0.5 for the match, minus 12,354 for making Eddie job to Vampiro.
The ICP put the boots to Eddie, Rey and Konaan make the save. They're booking on autopilot tonight.
Main Event at last, and Hogan gets to take over for Heenan at the commentary table.
Making these guys very happy
Main Event: Sid Vicious & Rick Steiner vs Sting & Goldberg. Time remaining, introductions included: Nine minutes and 15 seconds.
Bell rings with six minutes left in the broadcast. So Sid and Rick stall on the outside. Lowblow lets Rick Steiner
... put on a chinlock. Tag to Sid, so that should help speed things up to walking pace. Sid.. slaps on a chinlock.
FUCKKKKKKKK!
Sting get s a few moves in, until Sid just stops selling, says something VERY visibly to Sting and them chokeslams him. Rick in to put another resthold on. This is ridiculous.
WCW EXPLODES!
Sting gets a flurry of ONE move, then lands on Sids knees. Sid misses a legdrop, Scoprion Deathlock, Rick saves and Goldberg gets involved too. The ref shoos Bill out as Steiner goes for a chair.
Hulk jumps up, hits the weakest-looking double axehandle of the week, then gently pats Rick on the head with the chair. A tap on Sids head and it's a DQ.
Rating: 0.0 Anythings.
Nash jumps Hogan, jacknifes him through the announce table, and show instantly ends.
Final Thougts: I'm really not sure why Exploded Mummy picked this one. Rodmans interview was idiotic, but everything else was either a) Pointless or b) Half-assed. Dull as ditchwater.
Time to self-flagellate myself with another WCW Nitro, this one on request from fellow Something Awful goon Exploding Mummy. Well, you never know, it could have been suggested becuase it's a great show!
I'm an eternal optimist, I know.
We slam straight into a cold open of Macho Man, Gorgeous George and... great, Dennis Rodman.
Thanks bundles, Exploding Mummy.
A bunch of rapid-fire stuff happens, including Nash tapping Hogan with the lightest chairshot of 1999, before we are LIVE from somewhere or other. Two weeks until Road Wild. So, let's have a second recap of Kevin Nash slamming people, Kevin Nash winning titles and just plain footage of Kevin Nash. At Road Wild, Nash vs Hogan for the title! Strange, I though Kevin Nash has STOPPED booking WCW by this point. Scott Hudson and Bobby Heenan are at the commentary table.
More recpappery, as Harlem Heat reunites on the previous Thursdays Thunder. Pretty sure Stevie-Ray was all over that booking decision.
First match, and it's the Tag Team Champions of Kanyon and Bam Bam Bigelow. Who enter BEHIND Diamond Dallas Page, which makes me think they're Freebirding at at first. Technically they are, as the three of them are "The Triad". With that name, I'm guessing a messy gangland-style assassination is imminent.
DDP wants to to see how stupid the fans are, asking Kanyon to "Hit it!" Kanyon TRIES to hit it, but the crack WCW production crew have forgotten to turn on his microphone. That's so WCW! *sad trumpet*
"WHO BETTER THAN OUR AUDIO TEAM?"
The Triad call out Harlem Heat, using the phrase "Fruit Bootys". In the cereal aisle now! DDP actually hits Chris Benoit with "Yo Mama" jokes, because apparently his script was written in 1978. He also tells Benoit that David Flair is a better U.S Champion than he ever was. Now THAT'S fucking funny!
Harlem Heat come out, as I scan for signs. Yes, it's 1999, all right, judging by the amount of people taking the chance to call their friends gay on national TV.
Sign: "Gary Coleman 3:16"-He would whip your ass, if he could reach it.
We're under way as the bell rings at about 190db. Holy shit, that could wake the dead! Didn't wake my cat, however. Lazy fucker.
The Heat kick Kanyon around for a while until he tags out to Bam Bam.
Sign: "I'm with stupid" (Arrow pointing downwards)-Well, you paid to go see a Nitro, can't argue with facts.
The heels outmuscle Stevie-Ray (well, Bam Bam does, anyway) until he makes a lukewarm tag. Kaynon manages to somehow fuck up a whip and nearly gives himself whiplash on the top rope. Bam Bam tags and in and hits one of the stranger dropkicks I've seen, hitting Booker on both sides of his throat at once. For a split-second I thought Bam Bam had gone for a VERY optimistic attempt at a hurricanrana. Stevie tags back in and cleans house. Pier sixer, Kanyon eats the Sidekick, DDP tries to take out Booker with the belt, only to go flying thanks to Benoit. (Who was in street clothes, making me think a fan ran in!)
Booker pins Kaynon for the win.
Rating: 1.5 Fat Mommnas. (Not bad, just felt rushed)
Backstage, two guys eat lollypops and talk about the Cats pyjamas. I have NO idea who these two are.
What WAS it with Nitro and lollypops?
Nitro girls dance, fireworks go "whoosh" and we're live from Sioux Falls, North Dakota. Why DID Nitro always do the opening titles 20 minutes in? Never mind, Sting is here!
Crowd sign "S T N G"-Psst, Chad, wanna put down your beer and get with the program?
Sting needs a tag team partner, so cue the "GOLDBERG" chants. Sting will be back at 9pm for an answer. Cool, I'm going to go make a sandwich.
The man they call Stng, apparently
Up next, it's Ernest "The Cat" Miller, who's wrestling Buff Bagwell at Road Wild. Because Buff switched out his loaded Ruby Slippers with Bunny Slippers. I'm not making that up. Also, Buff apparently has been guilty of using blackface in a promo.
I repeat, blackface. In 1999.
Holy shit, WCW, I know you were in the based in one of the Southern states, but that's pretty much a dick move wherever you live.
The Cat calls it the two dudes from earlier, and it's Lenny and Lodi. Now what sort of gimmick were they... oh right, heels by way of being gay. *sigh* God, I hope this particular gimmick is dead and buried by now.
Lodi brings a sign: "Why can't we have Wham back?" -These are the jokes, folks.
Also this. Ho ho ho, my aching sides.
The Cat proceeds to commit a hate-crime on Lodi, before kicking the shit out of his glitter-wearing life-partner, too. Kick in the face ends it for Lodi.
Rating: 0.0005 Liberace references. Less said about this the better.
After the break, Mean Gene brings out WCW champion, "Hollywood" Hogan. Hogan talks about Nash as I count the homoerotic lines he drops. "We have a date in Sturges, Brah! We've been playing games in the locker room for too long!" He better watch out or The Cat will turn up to beat the shit out of him. Hulks wearing a necklace made of huge paperclips, which seems practical in case of some unexpected paperwork popping up.
Sign: Some kid just holds uo a sign with his ICQ number on it. Bet he didn't get a bunch of weirdos messaging him.
We recap Stings promo from 18 minutes ago. Scott and Bobby spin their wheels for a few more minutes until Sting shows up again. Because the "W" stands for "waffling", not "wrestling". Backstage, they fuck up cueing Goldberg, making him stand around awkwardly for a few seconds before starting his walk to the arena. Sid and Rick Steiner ambush him, then drag Sting out to the ring when he tries to help out. Sting holds his own for a few seconds, then gets beat down.
Steiner 99'er: Underbiker on top, Andre down below
Goldberg meanwhile has managed to no-sell a snow-shovel shot and goes full Bill, kicking open a heavy door in a MUCH better-timed shot. He runs off the heels, and we recap the entire beatdown before a break.
Then recap it a THIRD time when they come back. I GET IT! Goldberg good, Sid bad, Sting cool, Rick not drunk tonight.
Evan Karagias is in our next match. My spellchecker is going to LOVE that name! He's up against Disco Inferno. Too early for a Disco Duck, but man, he's rocking those gold pants like a champ.
Shiny
Evan dropkicks Disco all over the ring, but gets atomic dropped and clotheslined as Scott and Bobby pretty much ignore everything that's happening in the ring. They recap the show so far, they plug the upcoming events, they talk about the new Nitro Grill in Vegas. (Shit, WCW decided to lose money in a restaurant as well, huh?) Bobby makes a mild few one-liners. Man, he's sounding seriously unmotivated in WCW. They start to call the match, then suddenly start talking about the upcoming matches until Disco hits the Last Dance and wins.
Way to treat your young and talented wrestlers, WCW. And Disco.
Rating: No rating. If WCW didn't give a shit about the match, why should I?
Backstage, David Flair sits on a couch and looks bored. Hey, they makes two of us!
More Nitro Girls. Not enough to snap me out of the coma that David Flair put me in. The Sid promo comes closer.
What the Universe sees before it cries itself to sleep
Sign: "DDP Bangs Sheep"-Oooh, think there might be a libel case in your future, buddy!
Hugh Morrus & Jerry Flynn arrive with Jimmy Hart. Their opponents, Dean Malenko and Shane Douglas. I was briefly jolted awake, thinking that the first team had Jerry Lynn in it. Douglas and Malenko control the match, as is only good and right. It's another rushed match, as guys start selling like they've been in the ring an hour after mere minutes.
This match is pretty much only saved by Jimmy's jacket
Worse, every time Hugh and Shane are in together, Douglas can been seen literally YANKING Hugh into position for moves. This is Yo Mama Ugly. Flynn and Morrus beat up Malenko, who now appears to have been in an Ironamn match. It's been about five minutes. Hot (?) tag to Douglas, shenanigans and miscommunications occur. Pittsburgh Plunge by Douglas ends it.
Not a pretty sight.
Rating: 1.25 homophobic signs.
We now pause for a boring music video of Goldberg. And some more Nitro Girls. Were spinning the wheels tonight, baby!
Well, with an hour to go, I have to say, this is 90% less frustratingly awful as the 2000 Nitro that nearly killed me. But it's also not good, either. It's almost been too middle-of-the-road to keep my attention.
Oh well, send out Rick Steiner. Hopefully he'll fuck up and maim someone in an amusing fashion.
He drags Scott Hudson into the ring and suplexes him for no readily apparant reason. Other than for the fact it's Scott Hudson. Did Scott have a hot date he needed to get to?
"Don't wait up, guys!"
Scott does a stretcher job as Eric Bischoff takes over on commentary. Not sure that's an upgrade, frankly.
Bobby Duncum, Jr of the West Texas Rednecks heads on out. Well, if "Rap is Crap" is the best part of this show, the last hour is going to DRAG. He's up against Perry Saturn. Who hasn't been forced to dress like a bald leather-clad hooker this week.
But first, Curt Henning arrives to berate the crowd and gross out my wife with by batting his gum at the fans. He cuts a promo on a country singer who's arriving next week. I will point out that no-one outside of South Dakota (well, maybe Texas too) gives a crap about this. Perry demolishes Duncum with a suplex and bitches out Henning. They get into a brawl in the ring, the bell rings a second time and apparently this is now a match. Not sure how that works, but fuck it, let's go!
Three sluggish minutes of kicking and punching later, I'm in agreement woth a sign in the front row.
Sign: "Thank God for the Nitro Girls"
Death Valley Driver should finish it for Perry, until all the Rednecks swarm the ring and hogtie him.
Rating: 0.25 verses of Rap is Craaaaaaap. It's pretty sad to see Curt half-assing it in the ring.
Malenko and Douglas make the save.
Recap of David Flair wining the U.S title off Chris Benoit, because WCW existed in a parallel universe where that was possible.
Here's the proof that this happened. No idea WHY it happened, of course.
DDP vs Chris Benoit is next. Bischoff is hyping it as an instant classic. That remains to be seen, as WCW is sucking the life out of everything tonight.
They trade spit in the face before Benoit gets the crossface right off the bat. Too close to the ropes, of course. They start trading reversals, and to give them credit, they are actually trying to have a half-decent match,. DDP DRILLS Benoit with a spinning powerbomb and works the legs. He also drops an elbow DIRECTLY on Benoits nuts. Good aim, Dallas. Benoit returns the favour by crotching him on the top turnbuckle.
Benoit chops the heck out of DDP and gets a few 2-counts of Geman Suplexes. DDP mule-kicks him and hits a uranage for 2. Benoits DDT's him, hits the flying headbutt, then makes my night by punching David Flair in the middle of his stupid face on an attempted run-in.
Rollup by DDP is reversed into a pin for Benoit.
Rating: 2 punches of David Flairs bored-looking face. Okay match, even if it was all of eight minutes long.
The Triad runs-in a little too late, DDP give Benoit three Diamond Cutters and whips him with a belt.
Commercial break, and we're back with Mean Gene and Randy Savage. Randy shouts a lot, and basically threatens to kill multiple people, especially Dennis Rodman. Who he then calls out. Was THIS why Exploded Mummy wanted me to see this?
Mona shows up instead. Mona can't act, which is a shame, as they let her talk.
Mona wants her old job with Macho back, whereupon he sticks a finger in her face and screams "ARE YOU LOYAL TO THE MACHO MAN!". Well, way to make things uncomfortable, Macho. He then forces her to her knees and yells at her to beg him for her job back. Yeah, this has NOT aged well.
Dennis Rodman finally answers Macho's call, arriving in a metallic patchwork coat of many colours. Not many people could pull that look off, and I'm not even sure he did.
Your next ambassador to North Korea, America
Randy and Dennis exchange expletive-laden insults until Mona low-blows Macho. Rodman drops an elbow or two on him. Well, I'd rather watch Rodman drop elbows than let him talk any more.
We've still got one match before the Main Event, so let's send out.. oh shit, Raven, Vampiro and the ICP? Fuck me, it's like all my bad dreams got written down and accidently made into a wrestling show. Let me just chant a mantra.
PLEASE DON'T LET THEM TALK! PLEASE DON'T LET THEM TALK!
Oh thank God. They don't, and their opponent is Eddie Guerrero. Even better, Eddie gets to show off a few moves right off the bat.
Then the ICP interfere and Eddie has to sell for Vampiro. Way to book 'em, WCW!
Vampiro tosses Eddie out of the ring and right onto a cameraman. Great, let's try and injure Eddie so we can watch more Disco Inferno matches instead. Back inside, Eddie bumps like a pinball as the crowd chants for the ICP. Was it "half-Price for Rednecks" night? Eddie takes over with a sweet top-rope armdrag and proceeds to make the ICP his bitch.
And there was much rejoicing
Raven interferes, Vampiro wins. You're fucking kidding me, right?
Rating: 0.5 for the match, minus 12,354 for making Eddie job to Vampiro.
The ICP put the boots to Eddie, Rey and Konaan make the save. They're booking on autopilot tonight.
Main Event at last, and Hogan gets to take over for Heenan at the commentary table.
Making these guys very happy
Main Event: Sid Vicious & Rick Steiner vs Sting & Goldberg. Time remaining, introductions included: Nine minutes and 15 seconds.
Bell rings with six minutes left in the broadcast. So Sid and Rick stall on the outside. Lowblow lets Rick Steiner
... put on a chinlock. Tag to Sid, so that should help speed things up to walking pace. Sid.. slaps on a chinlock.
FUCKKKKKKKK!
Sting get s a few moves in, until Sid just stops selling, says something VERY visibly to Sting and them chokeslams him. Rick in to put another resthold on. This is ridiculous.
WCW EXPLODES!
Sting gets a flurry of ONE move, then lands on Sids knees. Sid misses a legdrop, Scoprion Deathlock, Rick saves and Goldberg gets involved too. The ref shoos Bill out as Steiner goes for a chair.
Hulk jumps up, hits the weakest-looking double axehandle of the week, then gently pats Rick on the head with the chair. A tap on Sids head and it's a DQ.
Rating: 0.0 Anythings.
Nash jumps Hogan, jacknifes him through the announce table, and show instantly ends.
Final Thougts: I'm really not sure why Exploded Mummy picked this one. Rodmans interview was idiotic, but everything else was either a) Pointless or b) Half-assed. Dull as ditchwater.
Comments
Post a Comment