WWE Nework Review: WCW NITRO-March 23rd, 1999

Okay, here's the deal. Many years ago I had a Geocities account, (like everyone else in the known universe) where I recapped wrestling shows.

Not real ones, of course. I recapped e-Feds. (Remember those?)

Now, I'm older, wiser and have the WWE Network. So, fuck it, here we go again.

Rather than sticking to WWE PPV's, or trying to watch everything in order, I'm just going to watch random shows on the WWE Network, and review them based on their own merits. Or lack thereof. Also, I'm going ot review the fans sign-fu, the fashions and anything else I find funny.

My wrestling viewership history is as follows: Started with WWF Superstars back around Wrestlemania 4, stopped sometime after WM 19 when it stopped screening for a time in New Zealand. I start watching again back up around 2015, when my kid got interested in it. So there's a huge gap to fill there. I was always a WWF guy, but checked out WCW during the Wars as well.

Nitro and Raw ran on different days in New Zealand, so I was able to see both. Even at it's height, I always found WCW uneven, so revisiting it will be interesting.

But to start off, let's go back to a random Monday in 1999, shall we?

WCW NITRO-March 23rd, 1999

I'll admit I picked this one because the screenshot showed the ring set up in a swimming pool. The swimming pool gimmick seemed to be a regular thing for them, so any bets on who get thrown in this time? Also, will this be the most sexist thing I'll see in 2017. (Future Kiwi: Yes. Yes, it will)

We kick off with a recap of Ric Flair claiming the Presidency. Flair/Whoo 2000!

Goldberg wants a title shot. So does Nash. So does Hogan. Hell, probably Arn Anderson and Loki probably want one.

There's a recap of a HORRIBLY overbooked four corners match, and we're LIVE (insert Tony Schivonne-pitched shrieking) from Panama Beach, Florida. Oh right, it's "Spring Breakout". Tony's all about the Ladies tonight.

But fuck that, let's go to a recap of a Hak/Raven garbage brawl from Uncensored. It looks like a twister touched down in the ring. Said tornado would have more technical moves than The Sandman's entire career.

Well, that was pointless. Let's introduce our first match.

Wait, who the blue screaming fuck is "Bull Payne"?

This is Bull Payne. We have started... poorly. 

Okay, let's check this dude out. A black studded leather waistcoat, studded gloves, studded headband, necklace. It's like he went for "Mad Max" and only reached "Summertime Gimp" instead.

Larry Zbyszko is talking about his golf game at this stage. Shoot me.

Enter Van Hammer. who's dressed like he walked into the wardrobe room in the dark and just went "Fuck it, Hippy Exotic Dancer Biker it is."

Drugs probably involved, yes.

Seriously, did either of these guys deserve an entrance?

Sign in the crowd "Hey Dad look, I'm with the Big Boys". Way to break the news to him, dude.

The crowd is chanting "Boring" after 48 seconds of the match. Guess there was an eight-drink minimum here.

Outside, Hammer points to the water, prompting Tony to talk about how "segment one" is too early for a dude to take a dip. Well, fuck my immersion and unsuspend my disbelief.

Sign: "Jeff Bennett is Gay". We know, we read his sign to Dad earlier.

More kicking and slapping than a penguin fight so far.

Bull Payne clotheslines Hammer on the outside, coming within an inch of concussing himself a support post. Well, there's still time, let's not lose hope he might end his career tonight.

Hammer wins with the "Flashback", which is an Alabama Slam with a stupid name.

RATING: 1.5 Jeff Bennetts.

Nitro brought to you by Baby Ruths, Overbooking and Free Booze.

Recap of Kidman vs 12-Year-old unmasked Rey Mysterio. The recap rates 2 more Jeffs than Hammer vs Payne.

The most 90's man in the world interviews some kid

Shot of a creepy-looking dude in the crowd. You are NOT a college student, sir.

Is that Bastion Booger in the background?

Rey is interviewed by some dude called Ricky Rackman. He's going to wrestle Kidman again. (Rey, not Ricky) Well, might have ONE match that doesn't suck if they do it tonight.

And we now pause to promote chewing gum and look at boobs. Oh, and Buff Bagwell is there too. That'd cost you escort rates today.

Ricky Rackman returns to get in a battle of wits with Disco Inferno. This goes badly for all concerned. Disco appears to have been wrapped in aluminium foil, presumably trying desperately trying to keep his gimmick fresh.

"Look, it's your bouncing career in the distance!"

There follows a deliberately terrible clip of Disco rapping over Konnan's music video. At least they INTENDED this to be horrible.

Tony plugs sponsors, complete with a myriad of technical glitches, and it's time for a Scott Steiner recap package. Because fuck having matches, that's why.

Steiner wants Buff Bagwell to "train his brain". RIP, Irony, 3AD-1999.

Match now?

Nope, recap of last weeks main event. Again.

Back to Ricky, then to Goldberg going to watch NASCAR. Then Hak shows up wrapped in barbed wire, proclaims himself "Hardcore Hak", and gets booked to wrestle Goldberg. And you wonder why Bill Goldberg claimed he never had any fun in wrestling until 2016.

Hak looks drunk, by the way, although I'm not sure why I bothered to type that.

Employee of the Month, March 1999 

And so, at the THIRTY MINUTE MARK, we get a second match. No fat on these three-hour cards.

It's an eight-man tag, and the first team don't even get a caption to ID them. Psychosis and Silver King are among them, so I guess they were just introduced as "A Bunch of Mexicans!"

A second bunch of Mexicans  (Damian, La Parka and umm... some other guys, arrive as the commentary team reveal they don't know one of the wrestlers. ("La Cucaracha") An angle, or just apathy and ignorance?

La Cucaracha is wearing Konnans plaid shirt, chef pants(?) and a mask, so I'm guessing the former.

So lucha-ing begins, and the crowd is making 1/8th the noise they did for the first match. Of course. More flipping and flopping than a month in Congress. There's a cute spot where everyone goes up top and misses something, before Psychosis cuts out the middle man and literally leaps 'nads first onto the top rope. Whatever floats your boat, amigo.

The Great Lucha-Collision of '99

La Cucaracha stuns three people in a row and pins some Mexican guy after 7 minutes of stuff. Then wanders off. Boy, hope that paid off eventually

Rating: 2.25 crushed Lucha-Balls.

Sign: "Will Work for Buff"-Oh, how the times have changed.

Sign: "I'm Not Wearing Any Pants"-Dammit, who let Harvey Weinstein in there?

Recap of drunk college kids plugging a telephone company while wearing bikins. Oh, and Buff's still there. Guess he forgot to book a hotel room.

And at 40 minute mark, we get the Nitro opening (w/exploding logo and fireworks) and Tony re-intros the show. What the fuck have I just been watching, then?

Earlier, Ric Flair hangs around, dances, books what sounds like a convoluted clusterfuck, then bops off to sire a new generation of li'l Naitch'es.

Mike Tenay chats with Dusty Rhodes, nothing interesting is said. E.T couldn't have phoned that interview in more effectively.

Ric Flair shows up, resulting in WHOO's and some bikini-clad jiggling. Raven butts in to ask "What about Scotty Flamingo?", or something like that. Everyone talks over each other for a while, the upshot being that Raven wants a title shot, instead managing to get a handicap tag title shot against Malenko and Benoit.

Only Ric would try to make beige sexy again.

Quoth the internet, you're boned.

Ric then decides his title match opponent tonight will be drawn randomly out of a hat. Which is, I suspect, exactly how WCW booked ALL of its matches from ealy 2000 on.

Match three has Fit Finaly in it. Says something about the location when the middle-aged Irishman is the MOST sober person in the room.

His opponent, Rick Steiner, looks like he's been concussed on the way out of the locker room. Must have been sharing a house with Juventud Guerrera.

"Foow! I mean, Woof!" *hic*

Some mild kicky-punchy stuff happens, with Rick's eyes seemingly focusing on his own nose. Commercial break, and now Rick looks like he's run the Boston Marathon. Fit tries to rip his arms off and gets a chair. This is called "positive reinforcement" in Finlays town.

The commentary team are talking about the US Title tournament that's going on, because of COURSE there's been a vacated title in late-90's WCW.

Steiner wins with the Plummeting Drunk Bulldog.

Rating: 1.25 shots of Jager.

The Nitro Girls help chew up a few minutes of airtime as Bobby Heenan shows up to liven up the show.

Vampiro's in the next match. Nice corset, sir. Your one-man Goth revival of "Pride and Prejudice" must be going well.

He's like a depressed Cenobite.

He's up against Juvy, prior to his wonderful departure from WCW. (Smashed off his tits and semi-dressed in public in Sydney, Australia. Which rarely gets you arrested in Sydney, but let's move on)

The crowd has no idea which immigrant they're supposed to boo, so they settle for generic "confused drunk" noises.

Juvy plays face, then gets powerbombed halfway to the earth's core by Vampiro. Vampiro keeps fucking around with his boots, which is distracting as hell. They proceed to spectacularly fuck up a few spots and wander around for ages. And we go to commercial just as they lock up again.

WCW editing, folks.

Back from the break, they take turns chopping each others chests into jelly. The "Boring" chants are back. Quick Li'l Naitch, flash the crowd to get them back!

Vampiro sells a power move by casually adjusting his boots, then sits up at the wrong time and nearly gets Juvy's foot up his nose. I'd forgotten how fast Vampiros run in WCW turned to crap. Vamp gutwrenches Juvy off the top, slipping halfway through, meaning Juvy comes very close to just driving his head into the mat like a tent peg. It gets two, of course.

Your boot is fine, asshole. Stay still and try not to get killed on this move.

Juvy Driver out of nowhere finishes off Vampiro, because nothing gets a guy over in his second match back than losing clean. Clap, fucking clap, WCW.

Rating: 2 Ornate Corsets, minus 1/2 for every blown spot. Meaning a net score of zero.

The unwelcome return of Ricky heralds the winner of the "Miss Nitro" contrest. By the mid-point of the year 2000, "Miss Nitro" was a good suggestion, not a contest. Nash and Hogan then sleaze on out  with bevy of bikini-clad co-eds to get drunkenly screamed at by the audience.

Also showing up is David Flair, who as usual looks like he'd rather be anywhere else but on WCW. This horrible, uncomfortable segment grinds on for WAY too long until we mercifully go to commercial.

Three giant boobs. And some ladies.

Hak (Excuse me, HARDCORE Hak) stumbles on out, wrapped once more in barbed wire. On loop is under his nose, making him look like he's sniffing it all the way to ringside. Goldberg appears, then disappears in ALL the pyro. Hak catches him a with a spinning headscissors....

Yes, of course I'm joking. The match goes PunchityPunchityPunch, before Goldberg surprises me with a cross-arm breaker. Who taught him a third move?

Sign: Goldberg is a Roody Pooh (Next to a "Goldberg Sucks" sign)-Not sure you needed the "h" on the end, because now I see him Jackhammering Christopher Robin in my head.

The commentary team starts getting SERIOUSLY homoertic over these two. (Tony: "What a man!". Bobby: "But Hak's a big man, too!". Tony: "A VERY big man!") Well, I guess they TRIED to balance out their drooling over bikini-clad ladies, at least.

Goldberg no-sells a bunch of canes in the forehead, spear, Jackhammer, ballgame. WCW's crack production crew shows a replay of the pinfall, which reveals Drunken Hak lifting his shoulder about three feet off the canvas just to be a dick.

Rating: 1.25 Bleeding Foreheads

A half-ass knock-off theme brings out Brett "Really Couldn't Give a Fuck Right Now" Hart. He complains about how little respect he gets in WCW, so bonus points for sheer honesty. He ends up challenging Goldberg, and I'm sure we all recall how well THAT turned out. Well, maybe Brett may not remember much about it.

The most depressed there was, the most...

Another ad break, and now there's a bunch of Nitro Girls dressed as WCW wrestlers. "I'm Buff Bagwell!" one helpfully shouts to camera. If it keeps the real Buff off-screen, I say hire her full-time.

Best Buff promo ever.

Hollywood Hogans theme plays and out comes... Horace Hogan. Never thought I'd be disappointed that Hogan had been replaced, but there you go. And then he's joined by Virgil. Sorry, Vincent.  Like it matters, they didn't give him a personality when they changed his name.

Horace beats the ever-loving shit out of Vince for a while, while the crowd slowly dies. They brawl in the floor, making me wonder if getting tossed in the pool counts as an automatic submission. Then Stevie Ray turns up as I start to question my life choices that led me to re-watching this crap.

Vince wins with a roll-up.

Yes, I said Virgil beat a Hogan. No, I'm not drunk.

Rating: 0.5 Lonely Virgils.

Just to make my night, Bryan Adams shows up. No-one cares.

Flair and company arrive to randomly draw a challenger. Twenty-plus wrestlers are around the ringside, most of which haven't appeared on the show so far, and probably won't again. Easy money, WCW-style!

The winner of the draw is El Dandy, who's in the back wearing 83 feet of bandages on his arm. That might be more convincing if they'd showed him selling an arm injury in his match earlier. He passes the number to Rey Mysterio instead.

Coincidently, the same number of sober people at the show.

But first, Raven vs. Malenko & Benoit. I pause the show, capturing a beautiful still of a drunk kid flipping off the camera. Classy as balls.

My feelings eactly, kid

Malenko & Benoit proceed to lay in chops that that Ravens grandchildren will be able to feel and beat him until Perry Saturn ambles out, dressed in a fetching leather skirt and bustier combo. Guess he's going clubbing after the show. He attacks Benoit, ref Nick Patrick just kind of shrugs and lets him become part of the match. Not sure Nick Patrick knows what a "handicap" match is.

Dean Malenko doesn't know were to look.

The match becomes an extended beatdown of Saturn, then a messy schmozz until Raven gets DQed for swinging a tag title belt in the general vicinity of Malenkos head. By which I mean "they were both in the state of Florida", because that was some world-class whiffing they did there.

Rating: 1 Leather Gogo outfit.

We then recap Miss NWO from about twenty minutes ago. I fast-forward.

A U.S Title Tournament match next. Scott Steiner 'roids his way to the ring, where the worst booking decision of the night is made.

They give him a live mic.

Ninety seconds of gibberish later, Chris Jericho makes his entrance. (The Network overdubs whatever his WCW theme was with "Break the Walls Down". Just pay for the rights, you cheap bastards!)

Jericho's working his ass of here, considering his opponent is about as mobile as the Chrysler Building. (due to his upper body being made entirely of protein shakes and all the growth hormone he could drain from Rick while he slept) Jericho even teases going in the pool more than once. Steiner just ignores everything he does and beats him with a Steiner Recliner in about five minutes.

Rating: I refuse to give poor ratings to Scott's matches in case he reads this and tears my spine out.

Main Event time! WCW wheels out Michael Buffer for his twenty-grand catchphrase. Wish I had a three-minute workday!

The bell rings with exactly eight minutes of the show remaining. So, no 60-minute Broadway tonight, huh?

Sign: Something written in a dialect so Redneck, I can't even make it out.

The next few minutes are presented by Styles Clash Wrestling Dot Com.

And yet somehow, Ric manages to bleed within FOUR minutes of the match starting, Amazing.

 

"Space Mountain, bitch!"

Scarily, Rey smacks his head into the ropes on a botched whip. He keeps going, though, proceeding to completely miss Flair on an spinning heel kick. Then almost misses him again as they repeat the spot. Then dropkicks Flair squarely in the balls. Concussion test for Rey, STAT!

The match ends (are you sitting down?) with Arn Anderson pulling the ref out, which somehow results in a  DQ win for Flair. Not sure how that happens, but at least we're done here.

Rating: 1.75 Space Mountains.

Flair, ever the professional, graciously allows Rey to kick him into the pool to close the show.

How Much I Enjoyed This Show: Slightly more than dental surgery, slightly less than a health and safety meeting.

Final Thoughts: Alcohol makes for a lively crowd. Just not one you want to overbook shit with.