WCW Review: Uncensored 1995
Uncensored 1995
Okay, let's get EXTREME(ly silly) as we delve into WCW's "Uncensored" Pay-Per-Views. Some of these have a legendary status for being overbooked crapfests. I've haven't watched one since 2000-ish. Should be fun. Let's start back in 1995.
Shit, did I get the wrong event?
Tony, Bobby and Mike Tenay greet us in full-bore hype machine mode. Oooh, The Renegade debuts tonight as the Ultimate Surprise. It's some huge buff dude wearing a crocheted loincloth. That IS a surprise.
Not a GOOD surprise, of course
Vader vs Hogan tonight! Martial arts matches! Boxer vs wrestler match! Those never suck, right?
And most importantly, the first minute on the WCW Hotline is FREE! ("Hi. You've called the ... WCW... Hot.... Line. Please hold for... Iron. Mike. .... .... .....Tenay. Threenintyfiveaminutekidsaskyourparentsfirst")
Also, Hogan's manager, Jimmy Hart is missing. We hear about this CONSTANTLY for the rest of the show.
But first up, The King of the Road Match. Oh, dear god. Get set for ten minutes of Dustin Rhodes vs. The Blacktop Bully, "wrestling" in hay-bale filled cages on the back of an 18-wheeler. "They're going at 55 miles per hour!" shouts Heenan, ten seconds into the match. Dude, they're doing about 8. We have eyes, you know. The object, as I'm sure you all know is to climb high enough blow the horn at the top of the cage. While also sacrificing any remaining shreds of dignity you might possess.
The truck is driving around the back roads of Tupelo, Mississ.. Misassip... rural America. The 90's video tape is making this look like a redneck Mad Max fan film. We also keep getting helicopter shots that turn the match into two tiny figures wandering about in hay. Can't believe they never had another one of these.
Dustin hits the Bully with a bale of hay, then tips a bucket of water on him. WILL NO-ONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN! They continue to flail around, looking far all the world like the climax of a cheesy 80's teen comedy minus the synth-pop soundtrack.
Starring John Vernon as Nick Bockwinkle!
The truck slows down and turns a corner, which makes Tony's voice go up three octaves. Calm down, Scillvone, your nipples are going to explode if you get any more hyped. The sun is now starting to set, turning the visuals into a murky haze.
The truck comes to a halt at a stop sign as a "church bus" has to drive past. I'm no promoter, but closed roads might have been a good idea.
Also, your "church bus" was pretty obviously an old school bus, guys. You're not fooling anyone.
Tony and Bobby are still desperately trying to hype this match, which has ZERO interesting things happening. Dustin apparently bladed during the match, but the lighting is too dim to see anything. It didn't stop both guys being fired afterwards by WCW. I'd take that as a sign of diving providence and hightail it to Stamford, guys.
Blacktop Bully FINALLY honks the horn to win at Far Too Many Minutes and a Lot of Seconds.
Rating: 0.00 Honks.
At the arena, some fireworks go off as we start the show proper. We head off to Tenay, who's interviewing Arn Anderson before his boxer vs. wrestler match with Johnny B. Badd. He's being managed by Colonel Parker. He's so Southern I'm surprised they haven't coated him in 11 secret herbs and spices. Meng is also there, wearing the most flamboyant burka I've ever seen.
Meng masters the art of Trying Not to be Seen
Parker drops Elvis lyrics, sounding like he's experiencing a painful bowel movement at the same time. Meng is taking on Hacksaw Jim Duggan in a Martial Arts Match. I have MANY questions about this. Hacksaw's participation, why a racist white dude is managing a Tongan, why Mengs face-covering is moving back and forth as he enters. (Is he eating back there?)
Oh, and why is a Tongan wrestler entering to what sounds like Japanese music? That's Martial Artist-ist.
Duggan comes out to Sousa music, has the Stars and Stripes and is wearing U.S flag kneepads and a sleeveless vest. Apparently he's starring in a film called "Obese American Ninja" after this match ends.
Sonny Ono is the special guest referee, allowing Bobby to make borderline racist jokes. Duggan refuses to bow to Meng, deciding to shout "U.S.A" at the crowd instead. HOOOOO count by this stage: About six.
Becuase nothing's more American than being rude to an immigrant, right?
More stalling, more failed attempts at bowing.
Hooooo.
More stalling.
Just as this match seems like it's never going to start, Meng cheapshots Duggan for two. Duggan and Meng start chopping and punching, so Duggan takes off a boot and hits him with it. Apparently, this is legal. Oh right, no rules at Uncensored. Except that one "No blading in a terrible gimmick match" one.
More chopping and the ever-popular traps hold from Meng. Then another one. Bobby is now making Sonny Boko jokes. I'm hoping this match runs face-first into a pine tree too. Meng slaps the trap hold on for the THIRD time, so Sonny checks the arm. It falls twice, which would a lot more convincing if Duggan wasn't looking at the camera with his eyes open. He, uh... Duggans up? Yeah, let's go with that. He headbutts Meng, knocking himself out instead. The Islanders hard-skull cliché lives!
Hacksaw gets some offense in. As in, he punches Meng. A lot. Three-point stance connects, Meng no-sells it. Duggan grabs Parker, Ono tries to drag him off, Meng kicks Duggan in the head to win.
Rating: 0:25 Patriotic Chants.
Ho.
Johnny B. Badd interview and an Arn Anderson video package follow. He's using a DDT as a finisher, one which is about 0.75 Jakes at best. Stick with the spinebuster, dude.
Anderson vs Badd next, with Parker in Arn's corner. Nice to get all your guys matches out the way early, I suppose. He can go have a mint julep and say something horribly racist early tonight. I do declare.
Sadly, Johnny is in full boxer garb, so no crazy robes to screenshot. Disappointed!
This is set for ten three-minute rounds, with one-minute breaks, winner by pinfall, submission or KO. So, if this goes the distance, it's at least 40 minutes, huh? My money's on it ending in the third.
Hopefully earlier.
Round One: Arn walks into a couple of jabs as he tries for a takedown. Badd pins Arn in the corner and works the body. Uh ref, you can step in anytime you want! Badd gets in a few more shots as Arn covers up and kicks at him. Wow, this is less interesting than REAL boxing.
He could have at least dressed like a colourblind bird of paradise to liven it up a bit
End of the round, allowing Tony and Bobby to talk about the Inoki/Ali match. Yeah, that's right, bring up that fucking farce. Great call.
Round Two: Badd goes Fists o' Fury right from the bell, getting an eight-count. Arn gets a takedown and drops an elbow. It misses, and he's knocked down for a count of seven. And then goes does again for eight. I don't watch a lot of boxing, but I'm pretty sure that's a TKO.
Nope, up he gets, down he goes again. Bell rings, so Arn thinks "fuck this noise" and just DDT's Johnny after the bell. It's about an 8.5 Jakes.
Johnny makes it to his corner, so Arn attacks him there and tosses him, shouting "No Rules!" at the ref. This works, because hey, IT'S UNCENSORED! Bell goes while Badd is still outside, so Arn drags him back and spends two minutes beating on him. (Including throwing him into a ring stool held up by Parker. Not sure I've ever seen THAT in a WBA bout. Badd's boxing coach jumpos into the ring, getting slammed by Arn. Okay, he's now definately won this round on points.
Round three ends, Arn gives no fucks for your bell.
Round Four: Johnny's manager puts a bucket on Arns head, Johnny punches the shit out of it and wins by KO.
Lord Buckethead cameo for the Brits!
Rating: 1.25 Rocky IV's.
Macho Man Randy Savage Vide-oooooh Yeah Package leads us into a backstage interview. He's too cold to hold, apparently. Good to know.
Macho's first out for the next match, and he's wearing a Maga-Powered yellow-and-black-tassled jacket. It looks like he's allowed a kindergarten class to decorate it. SO much crepe paper must have been used.
I think this outfit comes with a free fan
His opponent: Avalanche! Yep, good old John "Earthquake" Tenta has had to get a name-change when he headed to WCW. Presumably his finishing move is just rolling down a slope onto his opponent.
Bobby uses the name "Avalanche" to make jokes about Tupelo, all of which are met with a stony silence from Tony. Awkward.
Randy attacks before the bell, and the two start having exactly the sort of match you'd expect. Randy leaps off the top rope a lot, Avalanche uses shoulderblocks, etc. Macho tries to pick up Avalanche for a slam and ends up getting squished. Avalanche drops legs on him, hits a nice belly-to-belly and HOLY SHIT hits a dropkick.
He finally misses an elbow drop, Macho stars powering up, so Avalanche just casually tosses him. It's all Avalanche, as it appears they just went "Hey, you be Andre and I'll be Hogan tonight!". Macho eventually hotshots him and hits a flying uglyass-elbow from the top for one. Sunset flip attempt from Macho, so Avalanche just sits on him.
"I heard the air come out of him... from both ends!" quips Bobby. A few seconds later he shouts "It's Uncensored" for no reason. I'm guessing someone gave him shit for that line in his headphones.
Powerslam and Avalanche does the Bouncy-Bouncy setup for his buttdrop.
"Boingy, boingy boingy!"
Randy rolls away, so Avalanche chops away at him. Roll-up gets two for Randy. Avalanche slams Randy off the top rope and heads to the middle buckle himself.
He goes splat in a very satisfying manner.
They head to the outside, where a lady leaps out of the crowd to attack Savage. A slightly less-convincing "lady" than Pat Patterson made, but it fools Tony. The "lady" chops away at Savage as the crowd goes "whoo", Gee, I wonder who it could beoh my God it's Flair.
Avalanche squishes Savage with the buttdrop as Hogan runs in to chase off the heels. Savage wins by disqualification.
I'll repeat that. Randy Savage wins by DQ.
After an HOUR of Tony and Bobby telling us there's no DQ's at Uncensored.
Time for WCW Uncensored to start fucking up it's own premise: 68 minutes and 35 seconds.
Rating: 1.5 Men in Drag.
Backstage, Tag champions The Harlem Heat (and Sister Sherri) shout a lot about the Nasty Boys. Booker T proves his recent spell on WWE commentary wasn't the only time he made up words, promising the Nasty Boys will be "obliviated".
Sherri gets to talk, but sadly she has to talk like she's from Harlem and wear all black. It's sad and pointless to see her not dressed like an exploded costume shop.
DISAPPOINTED!
A video package to set up Sting (surfer dude edition) vs Big Bubba Rogers. (or "Big Bubba Bossman Rogers", which I'm sure is his full name.) Mike Tenay sends us back to ringside, while VERY obviously reading off a cue card. Either that or his eyeballs are trying to escape.
Bubba is first out, to one of the most generic rock entrances I've ever heard. It doesn't even mention Cobb County, Georgia. (The place with the highest literacy rate in Georgia, I just learned!)
Also the home of Bubba Rogers, Jazz Saxophonist, according to his outfit.
Bubba sticks a finger in Stings face as the bell rings, so Sting bites it. Bubba oversells hilariously. Sting then fucks around with Bubba's overcoat and hat, leading to the first instance of a face-painted man legdropping a fedora I've ever seen.
That hat had two weeks left to retirement
Sting pounds on Bubba, who flings himself out to the floor. Stings goes after him, so Bubba trips him before he can leave te ring and tries to crotch him on the ringpost. Sting uses SURFER-LEG-POWER to pull Bubba into the post instead.
Well, that was the idea, anyway, Instead, Bubba's sweaty grip slips off Stings boots and he jerks backwards, then has to ram HIMSELF into the ringpost instead. Tupelo physics, folks!
Tide turns as Sting leapfrogs Bubba, catching his leg on the way up. Bubba starts working the legs as Bobby offers helpful tips from the announce table. Pace of the match slows to "Slightly Higher than Reverse" as Bubba uses a selection of leg kicks and toeholds. Bobby takes to opportunity to take a few dozen more shots at Tupelo. ("They should tear it down and build a swamp!") Bobby's enjoying himself tonight!
Bubba works both the knee and the camera, while sweating so much it looks like he's taken a refreshing swim during the match. Sting starts making the comeback, and as Bubba misses the sliding-to-the-floor-punch, drags him back in and slaps on a sleeper. So Bubba escapes using his tie as a weapon. It pays to dress formally some times.
Sting picks up Bubba for a slam, the knee buckles and Bubba falls on top for the pinfall to instantly deflate the fairly-hot crowd.
Except for one big redneck in the forth row. Nice moustache, sir.
Rating: 1.75 sweaty shirts.
Texas Tornado tag match up next. Basically it's falls count anywhere, everyone legal at all times. Yep, that's playing to the Nasty Boys strengths all right.
Gary Capetta intros Harlem Heat first. He's got a weird habit of huge pauses which make it sound like he forgot his lines. Sherri comes out with the belts, but no wrestlers. That's a bold strategy. The Nasties bring a garbage can with them. Presumably filled with screwed-up copies of all Ric Flair's contracts.
Nice touch as Sherri heads out to the aisle towave the Heat in, who jump out of the crowd on the other side of the ring instead. Punching nd kicking starts, and well, that's pretty much it for the next few minutes. First the Heat are in charge, then the Nasties. Sherri gets dragged in for a Pit Stop, that wonderful move where one Nasty rubs your face in the other guys armpit. I'd SO tried to forget that,
A walk-and-brawl starts as they head to the worlds worst-placed concession stand. As in, it's IN the arena, fenced off from the paying public, and has one guy running four different booths. Stevie-Ray picks up a tray of cotton candy and quite literally places it gently on top of Saggs. The crowd is starting to turn on this match and FAST!
As am I. Only faster.
Some inadvertent comedy happens as Nobbs and Stevie-Ray both takes accidental slides on a huge puddle, caused by a tray of drinks that was unwisely thrown early in the match. The five of them can no longer even throw a punch without nearly falling over. Stevie-Ray winds up for a shot and to paraphrase the immortal words of the British Bulldog, "Falls right on his ARSE!".
Saggs then proceeds to stop swinging halfway through throwing a right hand. Stevie-Ray reacts to it anyway. Was Claude Rains in this match?
Booker throws Nobbs into the Funnel Cake stand, which collapses, nearly breaking Booker's legs in the process. What's uglier than a bowling shoe, I need a new metaphor.
Nobbs recovers to slam Booker onto the remains of the stand and covers. One... two.... and the cameraman pans away to watch Stevie Ray and Saggs.
Predictably, this was actually the end of the match, as the bell rings to signify we missed the actual three-count.
Probably even ref Randy Anderson wanted this shit to end
To compound the awfulness of the match, Saggs decides to give Sherri a shove in the back when she's not expecting it. She proceeds to slip over and nearly breaks her elbow. Dickhead.
Holy shit, that was BRUTAL.
Rating: 0:00 Crushed Funnel Cakes. Because I don't do nega...
Fuck it, WCW won't be the only ones to break their own rules tonight.
REAL Rating: Minus Two Crushed Funnel Cakes.
Tenay tries to interview Vader. Vader shoves him off-screen and conducts his own interview. Flair shows up, still wearing his eyeliner and nail-polish from earlier. He looks like a bleached Joker.
Video package to set up the main event. Vader vs. Hogan in a strap match. I'm about as unexcited as you can imagine.
Michael Buffer is here to earn shit-tons of money by reading words of a card. Vader has Flair in his corner. Jimmy Hart is STILL missing! I know this because they've mentioned it every six minutes for the last four days. (Wait, it's only been two hours? Could have sworn it was longer!)
You'll have to take our word for it, Flairs being eclipsed by Vaders shadow as we speak
Flair and Vader menace Hogan as he tries to put the strap on, until suddenly...!
Wait, I have to pause to laugh. A lot.
I'm sure you understand
Okay, I;m back. Suddenly *snort* heavy guitar riffs signal the entrance of The Ultimate Ripoff, Renegade. It's a blatant knock-off of The Warriors theme, bringing a face-painted dude who runs to the ring like his knees are made of steel girders. He clears the ring, allowing the match to grind into first gear.
Where it stays for a while, as Hogan puts Vader into a corner and punches, chokes and bites him for a few minutes.
Your childrens role-model, folks!
Hogan straps Vader, then Flair. Renegade *chortle* goes all Hellwig on Flair, chasing him up the aisle. Vader takes over, hitting a Vaderbomb. Renegade gets up on the apron, allowing us to see that his red-and-yellow face paint is literally a capital "R". Not sure that's an acceptable form of I.D, dude.
Plus another "R" on his clothes to remind him he's right-handed
At this stage, Renegades entire offense appears to consist of going "ARRRRGH".
Vader straps Hogan as Jimmy Hart runs-in to join us. He's been tied up backstage, apparently. For like, two hours. Nice work, crack WCW security team. Hogan and Vader end up outside the ring. Hogan is no longer wearing the strap, thus completely negating the point of a strap match. He chairshots Vader a couple of times, which is legal because "THIS IS UNCENSORED!". Thanks, Tony, missed that the first 8,000 times one of you said that.
Hogan puts the strap back on and drags Vader into the ringpost a few times, Flkair and Renefake do a couple of things into the ring. Hogan whips Vader some more, and he keeps taking off the strap! Come on, Brother! Just stick with the stipulations for a few more minutes and we'll be done with this crap.
Hogan is now dragging Leon around the ring, touching the OUTSIDE of the ringposts. I'm not even sure that counts, but fuck it, let him do it. Renegade no-sells a Vader clothesline, and responds with his one move. The "ARRRRGH" shout.
Hogan takes a few minutes of boring, boring abuse, then Hulks up. He hits three turnbuckles before a Masked Man runs in and chairshots Renegade. Flair does the same to Hogan and they start a beat down on him. Vader tries a somersault splash off the middle rope, landing on a chair instead. So Flair chairshots Hogan again, who no-sells and straps him.
Vader is on the outside, no longer attached to the strap. This is idiotic.
Hogan drags Flair around and hits the turnbuckles.
This works.
Whatever.
Rating: 0.00 Shits I Do Not Give.
The Masked Man hits the ring again, followed by a tied-up Arn Anderson, dressed as an unmasked Masked Man. The Masked Man (no, not Arn, the OTHER Masked Man) unmasks (everyone getting this?) after taking out Flair and Vader.
It's Savage. I think we need to re-write the definition of "overbooked fiasco".
There's still seven minutes of this show to go. I assume this is going to be six minutes of Hogan posing, and am just about to fast-forward when we get a Moment to Please my fellow wrestling reviewer Rarity.
At least, I THINK she'll be pleased with this child, whose Hogan pose makes it look like he REALLLY needs the bathroom.
A couple of minutes of replays and posing and we're done.
Final Thoughts: I'd like to NOT think about this show, if it's all right.
Because IT'S UNCENSORED! (shut up, Tony)
Okay, let's get EXTREME(ly silly) as we delve into WCW's "Uncensored" Pay-Per-Views. Some of these have a legendary status for being overbooked crapfests. I've haven't watched one since 2000-ish. Should be fun. Let's start back in 1995.
Shit, did I get the wrong event?
Tony, Bobby and Mike Tenay greet us in full-bore hype machine mode. Oooh, The Renegade debuts tonight as the Ultimate Surprise. It's some huge buff dude wearing a crocheted loincloth. That IS a surprise.
Not a GOOD surprise, of course
Vader vs Hogan tonight! Martial arts matches! Boxer vs wrestler match! Those never suck, right?
And most importantly, the first minute on the WCW Hotline is FREE! ("Hi. You've called the ... WCW... Hot.... Line. Please hold for... Iron. Mike. .... .... .....Tenay. Threenintyfiveaminutekidsaskyourparentsfirst")
Also, Hogan's manager, Jimmy Hart is missing. We hear about this CONSTANTLY for the rest of the show.
But first up, The King of the Road Match. Oh, dear god. Get set for ten minutes of Dustin Rhodes vs. The Blacktop Bully, "wrestling" in hay-bale filled cages on the back of an 18-wheeler. "They're going at 55 miles per hour!" shouts Heenan, ten seconds into the match. Dude, they're doing about 8. We have eyes, you know. The object, as I'm sure you all know is to climb high enough blow the horn at the top of the cage. While also sacrificing any remaining shreds of dignity you might possess.
The truck is driving around the back roads of Tupelo, Mississ.. Misassip... rural America. The 90's video tape is making this look like a redneck Mad Max fan film. We also keep getting helicopter shots that turn the match into two tiny figures wandering about in hay. Can't believe they never had another one of these.
Dustin hits the Bully with a bale of hay, then tips a bucket of water on him. WILL NO-ONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN! They continue to flail around, looking far all the world like the climax of a cheesy 80's teen comedy minus the synth-pop soundtrack.
Starring John Vernon as Nick Bockwinkle!
The truck slows down and turns a corner, which makes Tony's voice go up three octaves. Calm down, Scillvone, your nipples are going to explode if you get any more hyped. The sun is now starting to set, turning the visuals into a murky haze.
The truck comes to a halt at a stop sign as a "church bus" has to drive past. I'm no promoter, but closed roads might have been a good idea.
Also, your "church bus" was pretty obviously an old school bus, guys. You're not fooling anyone.
Tony and Bobby are still desperately trying to hype this match, which has ZERO interesting things happening. Dustin apparently bladed during the match, but the lighting is too dim to see anything. It didn't stop both guys being fired afterwards by WCW. I'd take that as a sign of diving providence and hightail it to Stamford, guys.
Blacktop Bully FINALLY honks the horn to win at Far Too Many Minutes and a Lot of Seconds.
Rating: 0.00 Honks.
At the arena, some fireworks go off as we start the show proper. We head off to Tenay, who's interviewing Arn Anderson before his boxer vs. wrestler match with Johnny B. Badd. He's being managed by Colonel Parker. He's so Southern I'm surprised they haven't coated him in 11 secret herbs and spices. Meng is also there, wearing the most flamboyant burka I've ever seen.
Meng masters the art of Trying Not to be Seen
Parker drops Elvis lyrics, sounding like he's experiencing a painful bowel movement at the same time. Meng is taking on Hacksaw Jim Duggan in a Martial Arts Match. I have MANY questions about this. Hacksaw's participation, why a racist white dude is managing a Tongan, why Mengs face-covering is moving back and forth as he enters. (Is he eating back there?)
Oh, and why is a Tongan wrestler entering to what sounds like Japanese music? That's Martial Artist-ist.
Duggan comes out to Sousa music, has the Stars and Stripes and is wearing U.S flag kneepads and a sleeveless vest. Apparently he's starring in a film called "Obese American Ninja" after this match ends.
Sonny Ono is the special guest referee, allowing Bobby to make borderline racist jokes. Duggan refuses to bow to Meng, deciding to shout "U.S.A" at the crowd instead. HOOOOO count by this stage: About six.
Becuase nothing's more American than being rude to an immigrant, right?
More stalling, more failed attempts at bowing.
Hooooo.
More stalling.
Just as this match seems like it's never going to start, Meng cheapshots Duggan for two. Duggan and Meng start chopping and punching, so Duggan takes off a boot and hits him with it. Apparently, this is legal. Oh right, no rules at Uncensored. Except that one "No blading in a terrible gimmick match" one.
More chopping and the ever-popular traps hold from Meng. Then another one. Bobby is now making Sonny Boko jokes. I'm hoping this match runs face-first into a pine tree too. Meng slaps the trap hold on for the THIRD time, so Sonny checks the arm. It falls twice, which would a lot more convincing if Duggan wasn't looking at the camera with his eyes open. He, uh... Duggans up? Yeah, let's go with that. He headbutts Meng, knocking himself out instead. The Islanders hard-skull cliché lives!
Hacksaw gets some offense in. As in, he punches Meng. A lot. Three-point stance connects, Meng no-sells it. Duggan grabs Parker, Ono tries to drag him off, Meng kicks Duggan in the head to win.
Rating: 0:25 Patriotic Chants.
Ho.
Johnny B. Badd interview and an Arn Anderson video package follow. He's using a DDT as a finisher, one which is about 0.75 Jakes at best. Stick with the spinebuster, dude.
Anderson vs Badd next, with Parker in Arn's corner. Nice to get all your guys matches out the way early, I suppose. He can go have a mint julep and say something horribly racist early tonight. I do declare.
Sadly, Johnny is in full boxer garb, so no crazy robes to screenshot. Disappointed!
This is set for ten three-minute rounds, with one-minute breaks, winner by pinfall, submission or KO. So, if this goes the distance, it's at least 40 minutes, huh? My money's on it ending in the third.
Hopefully earlier.
Round One: Arn walks into a couple of jabs as he tries for a takedown. Badd pins Arn in the corner and works the body. Uh ref, you can step in anytime you want! Badd gets in a few more shots as Arn covers up and kicks at him. Wow, this is less interesting than REAL boxing.
He could have at least dressed like a colourblind bird of paradise to liven it up a bit
End of the round, allowing Tony and Bobby to talk about the Inoki/Ali match. Yeah, that's right, bring up that fucking farce. Great call.
Round Two: Badd goes Fists o' Fury right from the bell, getting an eight-count. Arn gets a takedown and drops an elbow. It misses, and he's knocked down for a count of seven. And then goes does again for eight. I don't watch a lot of boxing, but I'm pretty sure that's a TKO.
Nope, up he gets, down he goes again. Bell rings, so Arn thinks "fuck this noise" and just DDT's Johnny after the bell. It's about an 8.5 Jakes.
Johnny makes it to his corner, so Arn attacks him there and tosses him, shouting "No Rules!" at the ref. This works, because hey, IT'S UNCENSORED! Bell goes while Badd is still outside, so Arn drags him back and spends two minutes beating on him. (Including throwing him into a ring stool held up by Parker. Not sure I've ever seen THAT in a WBA bout. Badd's boxing coach jumpos into the ring, getting slammed by Arn. Okay, he's now definately won this round on points.
Round three ends, Arn gives no fucks for your bell.
Round Four: Johnny's manager puts a bucket on Arns head, Johnny punches the shit out of it and wins by KO.
Lord Buckethead cameo for the Brits!
Rating: 1.25 Rocky IV's.
Macho Man Randy Savage Vide-oooooh Yeah Package leads us into a backstage interview. He's too cold to hold, apparently. Good to know.
Macho's first out for the next match, and he's wearing a Maga-Powered yellow-and-black-tassled jacket. It looks like he's allowed a kindergarten class to decorate it. SO much crepe paper must have been used.
I think this outfit comes with a free fan
His opponent: Avalanche! Yep, good old John "Earthquake" Tenta has had to get a name-change when he headed to WCW. Presumably his finishing move is just rolling down a slope onto his opponent.
Bobby uses the name "Avalanche" to make jokes about Tupelo, all of which are met with a stony silence from Tony. Awkward.
Randy attacks before the bell, and the two start having exactly the sort of match you'd expect. Randy leaps off the top rope a lot, Avalanche uses shoulderblocks, etc. Macho tries to pick up Avalanche for a slam and ends up getting squished. Avalanche drops legs on him, hits a nice belly-to-belly and HOLY SHIT hits a dropkick.
He finally misses an elbow drop, Macho stars powering up, so Avalanche just casually tosses him. It's all Avalanche, as it appears they just went "Hey, you be Andre and I'll be Hogan tonight!". Macho eventually hotshots him and hits a flying uglyass-elbow from the top for one. Sunset flip attempt from Macho, so Avalanche just sits on him.
"I heard the air come out of him... from both ends!" quips Bobby. A few seconds later he shouts "It's Uncensored" for no reason. I'm guessing someone gave him shit for that line in his headphones.
Powerslam and Avalanche does the Bouncy-Bouncy setup for his buttdrop.
"Boingy, boingy boingy!"
Randy rolls away, so Avalanche chops away at him. Roll-up gets two for Randy. Avalanche slams Randy off the top rope and heads to the middle buckle himself.
He goes splat in a very satisfying manner.
They head to the outside, where a lady leaps out of the crowd to attack Savage. A slightly less-convincing "lady" than Pat Patterson made, but it fools Tony. The "lady" chops away at Savage as the crowd goes "whoo", Gee, I wonder who it could beoh my God it's Flair.
Avalanche squishes Savage with the buttdrop as Hogan runs in to chase off the heels. Savage wins by disqualification.
I'll repeat that. Randy Savage wins by DQ.
After an HOUR of Tony and Bobby telling us there's no DQ's at Uncensored.
Time for WCW Uncensored to start fucking up it's own premise: 68 minutes and 35 seconds.
Rating: 1.5 Men in Drag.
Backstage, Tag champions The Harlem Heat (and Sister Sherri) shout a lot about the Nasty Boys. Booker T proves his recent spell on WWE commentary wasn't the only time he made up words, promising the Nasty Boys will be "obliviated".
Sherri gets to talk, but sadly she has to talk like she's from Harlem and wear all black. It's sad and pointless to see her not dressed like an exploded costume shop.
DISAPPOINTED!
A video package to set up Sting (surfer dude edition) vs Big Bubba Rogers. (or "Big Bubba Bossman Rogers", which I'm sure is his full name.) Mike Tenay sends us back to ringside, while VERY obviously reading off a cue card. Either that or his eyeballs are trying to escape.
Bubba is first out, to one of the most generic rock entrances I've ever heard. It doesn't even mention Cobb County, Georgia. (The place with the highest literacy rate in Georgia, I just learned!)
Also the home of Bubba Rogers, Jazz Saxophonist, according to his outfit.
Bubba sticks a finger in Stings face as the bell rings, so Sting bites it. Bubba oversells hilariously. Sting then fucks around with Bubba's overcoat and hat, leading to the first instance of a face-painted man legdropping a fedora I've ever seen.
That hat had two weeks left to retirement
Sting pounds on Bubba, who flings himself out to the floor. Stings goes after him, so Bubba trips him before he can leave te ring and tries to crotch him on the ringpost. Sting uses SURFER-LEG-POWER to pull Bubba into the post instead.
Well, that was the idea, anyway, Instead, Bubba's sweaty grip slips off Stings boots and he jerks backwards, then has to ram HIMSELF into the ringpost instead. Tupelo physics, folks!
Tide turns as Sting leapfrogs Bubba, catching his leg on the way up. Bubba starts working the legs as Bobby offers helpful tips from the announce table. Pace of the match slows to "Slightly Higher than Reverse" as Bubba uses a selection of leg kicks and toeholds. Bobby takes to opportunity to take a few dozen more shots at Tupelo. ("They should tear it down and build a swamp!") Bobby's enjoying himself tonight!
Bubba works both the knee and the camera, while sweating so much it looks like he's taken a refreshing swim during the match. Sting starts making the comeback, and as Bubba misses the sliding-to-the-floor-punch, drags him back in and slaps on a sleeper. So Bubba escapes using his tie as a weapon. It pays to dress formally some times.
Sting picks up Bubba for a slam, the knee buckles and Bubba falls on top for the pinfall to instantly deflate the fairly-hot crowd.
Except for one big redneck in the forth row. Nice moustache, sir.
Rating: 1.75 sweaty shirts.
Texas Tornado tag match up next. Basically it's falls count anywhere, everyone legal at all times. Yep, that's playing to the Nasty Boys strengths all right.
Gary Capetta intros Harlem Heat first. He's got a weird habit of huge pauses which make it sound like he forgot his lines. Sherri comes out with the belts, but no wrestlers. That's a bold strategy. The Nasties bring a garbage can with them. Presumably filled with screwed-up copies of all Ric Flair's contracts.
Nice touch as Sherri heads out to the aisle towave the Heat in, who jump out of the crowd on the other side of the ring instead. Punching nd kicking starts, and well, that's pretty much it for the next few minutes. First the Heat are in charge, then the Nasties. Sherri gets dragged in for a Pit Stop, that wonderful move where one Nasty rubs your face in the other guys armpit. I'd SO tried to forget that,
A walk-and-brawl starts as they head to the worlds worst-placed concession stand. As in, it's IN the arena, fenced off from the paying public, and has one guy running four different booths. Stevie-Ray picks up a tray of cotton candy and quite literally places it gently on top of Saggs. The crowd is starting to turn on this match and FAST!
As am I. Only faster.
Some inadvertent comedy happens as Nobbs and Stevie-Ray both takes accidental slides on a huge puddle, caused by a tray of drinks that was unwisely thrown early in the match. The five of them can no longer even throw a punch without nearly falling over. Stevie-Ray winds up for a shot and to paraphrase the immortal words of the British Bulldog, "Falls right on his ARSE!".
Saggs then proceeds to stop swinging halfway through throwing a right hand. Stevie-Ray reacts to it anyway. Was Claude Rains in this match?
Booker throws Nobbs into the Funnel Cake stand, which collapses, nearly breaking Booker's legs in the process. What's uglier than a bowling shoe, I need a new metaphor.
Nobbs recovers to slam Booker onto the remains of the stand and covers. One... two.... and the cameraman pans away to watch Stevie Ray and Saggs.
Predictably, this was actually the end of the match, as the bell rings to signify we missed the actual three-count.
Probably even ref Randy Anderson wanted this shit to end
To compound the awfulness of the match, Saggs decides to give Sherri a shove in the back when she's not expecting it. She proceeds to slip over and nearly breaks her elbow. Dickhead.
Holy shit, that was BRUTAL.
Rating: 0:00 Crushed Funnel Cakes. Because I don't do nega...
Fuck it, WCW won't be the only ones to break their own rules tonight.
REAL Rating: Minus Two Crushed Funnel Cakes.
Tenay tries to interview Vader. Vader shoves him off-screen and conducts his own interview. Flair shows up, still wearing his eyeliner and nail-polish from earlier. He looks like a bleached Joker.
Video package to set up the main event. Vader vs. Hogan in a strap match. I'm about as unexcited as you can imagine.
Michael Buffer is here to earn shit-tons of money by reading words of a card. Vader has Flair in his corner. Jimmy Hart is STILL missing! I know this because they've mentioned it every six minutes for the last four days. (Wait, it's only been two hours? Could have sworn it was longer!)
You'll have to take our word for it, Flairs being eclipsed by Vaders shadow as we speak
Flair and Vader menace Hogan as he tries to put the strap on, until suddenly...!
Wait, I have to pause to laugh. A lot.
I'm sure you understand
Okay, I;m back. Suddenly *snort* heavy guitar riffs signal the entrance of The Ultimate Ripoff, Renegade. It's a blatant knock-off of The Warriors theme, bringing a face-painted dude who runs to the ring like his knees are made of steel girders. He clears the ring, allowing the match to grind into first gear.
Where it stays for a while, as Hogan puts Vader into a corner and punches, chokes and bites him for a few minutes.
Your childrens role-model, folks!
Hogan straps Vader, then Flair. Renegade *chortle* goes all Hellwig on Flair, chasing him up the aisle. Vader takes over, hitting a Vaderbomb. Renegade gets up on the apron, allowing us to see that his red-and-yellow face paint is literally a capital "R". Not sure that's an acceptable form of I.D, dude.
Plus another "R" on his clothes to remind him he's right-handed
At this stage, Renegades entire offense appears to consist of going "ARRRRGH".
Vader straps Hogan as Jimmy Hart runs-in to join us. He's been tied up backstage, apparently. For like, two hours. Nice work, crack WCW security team. Hogan and Vader end up outside the ring. Hogan is no longer wearing the strap, thus completely negating the point of a strap match. He chairshots Vader a couple of times, which is legal because "THIS IS UNCENSORED!". Thanks, Tony, missed that the first 8,000 times one of you said that.
Hogan puts the strap back on and drags Vader into the ringpost a few times, Flkair and Renefake do a couple of things into the ring. Hogan whips Vader some more, and he keeps taking off the strap! Come on, Brother! Just stick with the stipulations for a few more minutes and we'll be done with this crap.
Hogan is now dragging Leon around the ring, touching the OUTSIDE of the ringposts. I'm not even sure that counts, but fuck it, let him do it. Renegade no-sells a Vader clothesline, and responds with his one move. The "ARRRRGH" shout.
Hogan takes a few minutes of boring, boring abuse, then Hulks up. He hits three turnbuckles before a Masked Man runs in and chairshots Renegade. Flair does the same to Hogan and they start a beat down on him. Vader tries a somersault splash off the middle rope, landing on a chair instead. So Flair chairshots Hogan again, who no-sells and straps him.
Vader is on the outside, no longer attached to the strap. This is idiotic.
Hogan drags Flair around and hits the turnbuckles.
This works.
Whatever.
Rating: 0.00 Shits I Do Not Give.
The Masked Man hits the ring again, followed by a tied-up Arn Anderson, dressed as an unmasked Masked Man. The Masked Man (no, not Arn, the OTHER Masked Man) unmasks (everyone getting this?) after taking out Flair and Vader.
It's Savage. I think we need to re-write the definition of "overbooked fiasco".
There's still seven minutes of this show to go. I assume this is going to be six minutes of Hogan posing, and am just about to fast-forward when we get a Moment to Please my fellow wrestling reviewer Rarity.
At least, I THINK she'll be pleased with this child, whose Hogan pose makes it look like he REALLLY needs the bathroom.
A couple of minutes of replays and posing and we're done.
Final Thoughts: I'd like to NOT think about this show, if it's all right.
Because IT'S UNCENSORED! (shut up, Tony)
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