Review: WCCW, March 13th, 1988

WCCW March 13th, 1988

Just a short one today, as some of this show was lost to "Technical Production Difficulties". Coming to us from The Sportatorium, of course-atoruim.

"Visit the Neon Phallus Building!"

After about 1/3 of a sentence from commentator Marc Lowrance, who immediately takes us to Micheal "P.S" Hayes singing "Badstreet , U.S A" live at the "Badstreet Concert". His leather pants are considered a war crime in several countries. Buddy Rogers shows up, and the concert turns into an Oasis gig, provided Liam learned how to dropkick Noel in the face.

 

Not a member of the British Royal family, despite this picture

This show is already 98% better than everything on the Nitro I just reviewed.

The Rush concert suddenly got 100% better.

First match, and it's The Real Thing (Not the dude from the Addams Family, sadly) vs "Wild Bill Irwin". The Real Thing looks like Ogre from The Revenge of the Nerds, the U.K Version. Confusingly, despite his Union Jack t-shirt, he's from "Parts Unknown". He then proceeds (according to his manager, "Playboy" Vince Apollo") to do the "New Zealand War Challenge".

As a kiwi, considered me intrigued.

"NERRRRRRRDS!"

The Real Thing then blows my mind by busting out Ka Mate, the haka traditionally used by our national rugby team. While not perfect, it's not the worst attempt at it I've seen, either. I pause the show and get Googling.

Turns out The Real Thing is of course New Zealander Rip Morgan, who I recall being mentioned in one of Mick Foleys books.

The WCCW commentator then calls the haka "The Norwegian Warchant", and I immediately die inside and contemplate alcohol. It's 11 in the morning.

The opening flurry looks like Bart and Lisa Simpsons "windmill-arms" fight, as both guys just kind of flail at each other. Much punching ensues. Then more punching. Then punching on the outside. Commentator Guy calls the bout "action packed" as The Real Thing goes to a traps hold. Really?

Wild Bill fights back, and as both guys are hairy as hell, it now looks like two cavemen are tussling. A Neanderbrawl? (Copyright pending)

 

Seriously, Wild Bill loks more Norwegian than Rip.

And abruptly the match is over as The Angel of Death shows up and starts pounding away on Bill. Or in the general area of him, flailing so wildly I thought he was blind for a second or two. Comedic heel miscommunication results in Vince Apollo taking a better bump over the rope than any of the wrestlers have done so far.

The save is made by The Missing Link, who looks like Mini-Meng in a mask made of papier-mâché.

Rating: 0.5 Norwegian Kiwis

Back from the break, a tag match! "Hollywood" John Tatum and Jack Victory vs. Jef Raitz and Jason Sterling. Jeff and John have no nicknames and much smaller mullets than John and Jack, so I'm smelling a squash of epic proportions brewing.

 

"Mullets are cool", said no Doctor Who ever.

A crowd-shots indicates this was pre-signs, but the slack-jawed expression of the guy in the front row makes me think moonshine was pretty big in late 80's Texas.

Sterling tags in after a few bodyslams by Raitz and proceeds to do a mincing strut so camp Lanny Poffo probably told him to "butch it up a little". He's also fighting barefoot, making him look like a down-on-his-luck Chippendales dancer. He hiptosses Tatum and gives us an encore of his ass-shaking, this time in glorious close-up. Way to instantly turn my wife off men, dickhead.

Yeah, I can't unsee it either.

And two minutes into the match, the Simpson Brothers show up at ringside to scope out the Mullet Twins. The Simpsons also have pretty impressive mullets going on, so perhaps they're just wanting to swap styling tips. Tatum nearly kills his opponent with a half-ass powerslam where he just falls on the poor guy. Finish comes as Sterling leaps on the back of Victory, then gets clotheslined off in mid-air by Tatum. Okay, that was pretty nice.

Match Rating: 1.75 Flowing Mullets.

I assume they ended up fighting over the last bottle of conditioner.

We slam out of commercial into the midle of a huge brawl. Terry "Not a Rooster" Taylor is piledriving "Gentleman" Chris Adams like he keyed his car beforehand. Taylor then rolls Adams up with the mother of all tight pulls. All my wife could say was "ew" at the excessive amount of sweaty man-crack exposed.

 

You're welcome.

That was a highlight package, so we go to an interview with Terry playing the cockiest heel in Heelsville. Having only ever seen him pretending to be a chicken, this was somewhat refreshing for me.

Back from another break, it's Terry Taylor vs Bobby Fulton. Terry's the Texas Heavyweight Champion, getting to wear a state-shaped belt. Lucky WCCW isn't in Rhode Island, he'd probably lose the belt under a facecloth.

Marc keeps calling the matches "exciting", even when they've only been going nine seconds and have involved nothing by a lockup and some strutting. Well, points for enthusiasm, I guess. Fulton gets a Thesz Press, then lays on top of Terry with his nuts at nose level and jiggles a lot. I'm NOT screencapping that.

*Arnie voice* "I lied"

Oh, and Marc mentions Kerry von Erich's in the main event tonight. Colour me VERY unsurprised.

Terry wins by cheating like a bastard. As is only good and right.

Rating: 1.5 exposed butt cracks.

Main Event time! It's for the Six-Man Tag Team Titles. Squaring off, it's champs Buddy Roberts, "Iceman" King Parsons and the Angel of Death vs Steve (massive girly scream) Simpson and Kevin & Kerry von Erich. Guess Steve's popular with the ladies in Texas. Annnnd, commerical break before a punch is even thrown.

Pier-sixer off the bat, with Iceman getting flung out of the ring onto a rather solid-looking timekeepers table. He can't complain, he's wrestling a von Erich in Texas, so he's one of the only guys on the card making money. Kevin, meanwhile, is wrestling barefoot in just red trunks. From behind he looks like he just lost his luggage and had to go out in his Underoos.

Guess which von Erich is ALWAYS beach-ready?

And three minutes later, another commercial break. I feel like I'm watching American Football all of a sudden.

Pause just right and Kevin looks like he's wrestling naked.

We come back as Kerry gets knocked to the floor, prompting Iceman to strut around like Ric Flair after nine beers. He's also sporting he rare Inverted Mohawk.

Hot tag to Captain Erichpants who cleans house and threatens THE IRON CLAW! (I forget, was he Marvel or DC?) He tags in Steve "Not a Member of Poison" Simpson. (Just how much hair spray was sold in the 1980's between wrestling and metal bands?)

The look of a man who just thought of a BITCHIN' guitar solo.

Marc uses "excited" again, this time during a pan of the crowd where everyone seems frozen in their seats like waxwork dummies. He also keeps telling us we may run out of broadcast time before the end of the match. I'm sure he thinks that's exciting, too.

But wait, there's a shocking twist (for the third time tonight) as we cue the run-in! Terry Taylor arrives to beat up Chris Adams on the floor, all hell breaks loose, the heels double-team Steve and Buddy Roberts get a three count while Kevin "My Arms are Made of Wet Noodles" tries unsuccessfully to drag him off.

Rating: 2 Badly-Timed Commercial Breaks.

And ten seconds later, we're done.

Final Thoughts: Wow, that was some uninspired booking you had there, WCCW.