WWE Network Review: Raw, Oct 31st, 1995
Raw, Oct 31st, 1995
Another of the hour-long Raws today. This came out at Halloween, 1995, in the height of the Cartoon-y WWF. Let's just say my expectations are VERY high.
Sean Mooney introduces us with his best Bela Lugosi. Well, second-best Bela. Or his third-best Count von Count, perhaps. Tonight, Owen Hart gets a shot at Razon Ramon's IC title after winning a battle royal. Goldust debuts! And Shaun Michaels… dances on a building?
Oh wait, that was part of the opening titles, not some bonkers take on the Monster Truck match. As you were.
Vince and Jerry Lawler are our hosts. Jerry has dressed up as Dr Giggles (He does make an excellent stand-in for Larry Drake!) and Vince is wearing prison stripes. So I'm guess he's trick-or-treating as "What I'd Look Like if That Steroid Trial Went the Other Way". Jerry even makes a snide comment that Vince "brought the costume a year ago, but just got the chance to wear it!".
Vince has just been informed of Lawler's proctology degree
First up, it's Savio Vega vs Goldust.
We get a quick look at the Spanish announcers, Hugo Satan and Carlos Dracula. Nice to see everyone got into Corporate Forced Fun Day.
Still not as scary as the guy in the stripes, though
Mere minutes in, and the amount of Halloween-related puns are already beginning to drive me batty.
I'll get my coat.
Goldust is of course in the "Spirit of Hollywood" persona he first used, leading to plenty of movie-related asides about Michael Myers and Goldfinger. Jerry tries to get Vince to say the first name of Ms Galore from the latter movie, but Vince sidesteps it to avoid annoying the censors. Oh well, only a few years to the Attitude Era, when you could suggest a valet called "Titty McHotsnatch" and probably get Vince's approval and a huge bonus.
He's also wearing the first-generation Goldust costume, which is just a full-body covering of yellow spandex. He might just as well have painted a huge arrow on himself and wear a sign saying "Check out my Dick!".
"Stop laughing at my junk!"
A crowd shot shows four people already cosplaying AS Goldust, which feels oddly meta.
Savio suddenly wishes he kept the Kwang mask
The match itself can be described as "Every Goldust matchup ever", perhaps only missing the "drop-down-to-punch-in-the-face" or the nipple-molesting mannerisms. Savio gets a brief flurry of offense near the end, but Goldust wins with the Complete Lack of a Finishing Move.
Yes, he just lets Savio miss a spinning heel kick, then puts a slightly convoluted pinning combination on him.
Rating: 1.5 vague movie references. Nothing spectacular now, but sure would have made an impression back in '95.
Post-match we go to Doctor Michael Hendrix, PS, who's painted himself like a Jack O'Latern. He runs down the rules for the upcoming Brett Hart/Diesel match at Survivor Series with such frantic enthusiasm, I suspect some of his prop pumpkins are full of cocaine.
Michael "WTF" Hayes
A break to let the Ugly-Duckling-turned-Beautiful-Wrestling Swan, Barry Horowitz and Hakushi advertise Milton Bradley's Karate Fighters, and after 20 years I finally know what they look like!
I'm not sure why they're advertised by Demon Kid, though...
I can also tell by the noise the game makes when used that it would have been broken by your little brother before the birthday cake had been cut.
Is it wrong I want this to be a shot from an off-brand Iron Chef knock-off?
Match number two! In singles competition, it's Marty "Holy Shit, My Shirt Exploded" Jannetty vs Jobby McJobberface.
Our pointless "thing that happened yesterday" look-how-live-we-are reference is Cigar winning the Breeders Cup. Jerry uses this a chance to imply that Alundra Blayze an ugly horse-faced woman. Real nice, Jerry.
Marty is wrestling Joe Dorgan, who has the phrase "Hot Bod" on the back of his tights. I suspect Roddy Piper was not impressed. Thanks to Goldust's special effects, the whole arena is now filled with smoke, so good luck seeing this match from anywhere except the first three rows.
Stephen King's "The Mist Opportunity"
Next week, Issac Yankem is in action! Yay?
Marty slaps on a headlock and the break in the "action" lets me notice that the fog is actually getting thicker. Maybe Marty's stash caught on fire in the locker room? Jerry takes the opportunity to tell a long joke about Helen Hart. Vince completely whiffs on the punch line and makes Jerry tell it again. Way to play straight man, Vince.
Marty wins with a top-rope fistdrop in about three minutes.
Rating: 0.25 of an ounce.
By the time Jim finished talking, it was Thankgiving
In the ring, Vince interviews Jim Cornette and the British Bulldog. Jim's opening statement is longer than Martys match, and he appears to all be in one breath. I swear that man respirates through his skin. He introduces his lawyer, Clarence Mason and then perfectly delivers a dilly of a tongue-twister on "reading the well-written writs he's written". They argue that the British Bulldog should be wrestling Brett Hart at Survivor Series. Jimmy, ever the huckster, also manages to plug one of the Survivor Series matches while disregarding the laws of punctuation AND respiration.
Whoa, Black Betty...
Oh, and the Bulldog does get to speak too. Until Janetty turns up to toss the Bulldog and beat up poor Jim Cornette. (Who sells a punch like a landmine went off next to him, of course)
PHYSICS!
Tag team time with The Smoking Gunns vs. A Couple of Jobbers
But first, a recap of The 1-2-3 Packid throwing a hissy fit after losing to the Gunns. Pretty sure this led to the horrible "Crybaby" match where Sean was dipered and powdered by Razon Ramon. (Who had the good sense to shrug at the camera like "Hey mang, I didn't write this shit!" while doing so)
Jobber number 1 is "Otis Apollo", who has the physique of an Otis and.. the word "Apollo" on his trunks. It's a living, I suppose. A mid-match promo from The 1-2-3 Waltman plays, and wow, he sounds BLAZED! It was early in his career, so he might just had needed more practise time on the stick, but I have NEVER heard such a monotonic speech in my life.
Jobber number 2 is now in, and his name isn't worth mentioning, it seems. He looks like the tubby lovechild of Jason Bateman and Val Kilmer, though. A Sidewinder puts away Otis in three minutes flat.
I honestly think the arena is actually on fire by now
Rating: 0.25 Soon-to-be-Bad Asses
Promotional consideration paid for: Oh, fuck yes, WWF Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game. God that was a wonderfully over-the-top piece of crap to play.
At Survivor Series, Team Constipation vs Team Couldn't Give a Toss
Main Event: Owen Hart vs Razor Ramon for the Intercontinental Championship
But first, some guy shills plastic replicas of the WWF belts. Only US$24 including shipping! In 1995 dollars! While I'll admit I probably spent the same amount PLUS international shipping on a WWE belt for my son last year, these ones look like claw machine prizes.
But, hey! THREE free pictures of Diesel!
Razor and Owen get into it before the bell, with Owen taking a quick Scott Hall Airways flight to the floor. Some nice technical wrestling starts the match proper, with Razor working an armbar. This is of course the prefect time to shill the WWF Hotline, where you can get updates on Shawn Michaels medical condition for only $1.49/minute! (Spoiler: So long as he doesn't have to drop a belt to Shane Douglas, he's probably going to be fine)
Jim Cornette tries to get involved after a fallaway slam to Owen. Razor paintbrushes him, which causes Jimmy to fly off the apron like he was hit with a bazooka round. Yokozuna and Mr Fuji race to ringside at Yoko's top speed of "glacier" to assist.
Three days later...
Jimmy's selling is of course, hilarious. ("My eye! MY EYE! He hit me in my EYE!")
Oscar clip
Back from a break, Razor hammerlocks Owen, hefts him up in an atomic drop position, then just BRUTALLY slams him on his back and arm. Ouchie. Owen manages to toss Razor over the top and baseball slides him into the railing. Missile dropkick for two, and as usual, everything Owen is doing is so crisp it's ridiculous.
Vince is deep into his "1..2..3Hegothimnohedidn't!" phase of the match as Owen hits a Macho Man elbow for two, and we go to another break. Mooney plugs upcoming events, including one at the amusing (to me, anyway) venue.
Yeah, it's a cheap laugh. Sue me.
90's CGI abounds in this promo. It's aged... poorly.
We come back with both men down. Razor gets Owen up in a Razors Edge, then has to hold him up there for weeks as Yoko tries to get in to the ring to interfere.
"Any fucking time, Yoko!"
Once Yoko manages to untangle himself from the ropes, Razor gets beaten down and has a giant leg dropped on his melon for the DQ. The 1-2-3 Kid tries to help out, Yoko lays him out and legdrops him right on the face.
At Thnaksgiving, Yoko always brings the squash
Ahmed Johnson then runs in as well, as this suddenly turns into a Nitro. He bodyslams Yoko without maiming him, which was always a bonus as far as Ahmed was concerned.
Davey-Boy Smith runs-in to confront Ahmed, and they're in a stare-down as Raw goes off air. I assume six or seven more run-ins were cut for time.
Rating: 2.25 tossed toothpicks.
Final Thoughts: Mostly jobber-squishing filler, but the main event was quite fun. And who would have thought Goldust would still be showing upon Raw a dozen years later?
Another of the hour-long Raws today. This came out at Halloween, 1995, in the height of the Cartoon-y WWF. Let's just say my expectations are VERY high.
Sean Mooney introduces us with his best Bela Lugosi. Well, second-best Bela. Or his third-best Count von Count, perhaps. Tonight, Owen Hart gets a shot at Razon Ramon's IC title after winning a battle royal. Goldust debuts! And Shaun Michaels… dances on a building?
Oh wait, that was part of the opening titles, not some bonkers take on the Monster Truck match. As you were.
Vince and Jerry Lawler are our hosts. Jerry has dressed up as Dr Giggles (He does make an excellent stand-in for Larry Drake!) and Vince is wearing prison stripes. So I'm guess he's trick-or-treating as "What I'd Look Like if That Steroid Trial Went the Other Way". Jerry even makes a snide comment that Vince "brought the costume a year ago, but just got the chance to wear it!".
Vince has just been informed of Lawler's proctology degree
First up, it's Savio Vega vs Goldust.
We get a quick look at the Spanish announcers, Hugo Satan and Carlos Dracula. Nice to see everyone got into Corporate Forced Fun Day.
Still not as scary as the guy in the stripes, though
Mere minutes in, and the amount of Halloween-related puns are already beginning to drive me batty.
I'll get my coat.
Goldust is of course in the "Spirit of Hollywood" persona he first used, leading to plenty of movie-related asides about Michael Myers and Goldfinger. Jerry tries to get Vince to say the first name of Ms Galore from the latter movie, but Vince sidesteps it to avoid annoying the censors. Oh well, only a few years to the Attitude Era, when you could suggest a valet called "Titty McHotsnatch" and probably get Vince's approval and a huge bonus.
He's also wearing the first-generation Goldust costume, which is just a full-body covering of yellow spandex. He might just as well have painted a huge arrow on himself and wear a sign saying "Check out my Dick!".
"Stop laughing at my junk!"
A crowd shot shows four people already cosplaying AS Goldust, which feels oddly meta.
Savio suddenly wishes he kept the Kwang mask
The match itself can be described as "Every Goldust matchup ever", perhaps only missing the "drop-down-to-punch-in-the-face" or the nipple-molesting mannerisms. Savio gets a brief flurry of offense near the end, but Goldust wins with the Complete Lack of a Finishing Move.
Yes, he just lets Savio miss a spinning heel kick, then puts a slightly convoluted pinning combination on him.
Rating: 1.5 vague movie references. Nothing spectacular now, but sure would have made an impression back in '95.
Post-match we go to Doctor Michael Hendrix, PS, who's painted himself like a Jack O'Latern. He runs down the rules for the upcoming Brett Hart/Diesel match at Survivor Series with such frantic enthusiasm, I suspect some of his prop pumpkins are full of cocaine.
Michael "WTF" Hayes
A break to let the Ugly-Duckling-turned-Beautiful-Wrestling Swan, Barry Horowitz and Hakushi advertise Milton Bradley's Karate Fighters, and after 20 years I finally know what they look like!
I'm not sure why they're advertised by Demon Kid, though...
I can also tell by the noise the game makes when used that it would have been broken by your little brother before the birthday cake had been cut.
Is it wrong I want this to be a shot from an off-brand Iron Chef knock-off?
Match number two! In singles competition, it's Marty "Holy Shit, My Shirt Exploded" Jannetty vs Jobby McJobberface.
Our pointless "thing that happened yesterday" look-how-live-we-are reference is Cigar winning the Breeders Cup. Jerry uses this a chance to imply that Alundra Blayze an ugly horse-faced woman. Real nice, Jerry.
Marty is wrestling Joe Dorgan, who has the phrase "Hot Bod" on the back of his tights. I suspect Roddy Piper was not impressed. Thanks to Goldust's special effects, the whole arena is now filled with smoke, so good luck seeing this match from anywhere except the first three rows.
Stephen King's "The Mist Opportunity"
Next week, Issac Yankem is in action! Yay?
Marty slaps on a headlock and the break in the "action" lets me notice that the fog is actually getting thicker. Maybe Marty's stash caught on fire in the locker room? Jerry takes the opportunity to tell a long joke about Helen Hart. Vince completely whiffs on the punch line and makes Jerry tell it again. Way to play straight man, Vince.
Marty wins with a top-rope fistdrop in about three minutes.
Rating: 0.25 of an ounce.
By the time Jim finished talking, it was Thankgiving
In the ring, Vince interviews Jim Cornette and the British Bulldog. Jim's opening statement is longer than Martys match, and he appears to all be in one breath. I swear that man respirates through his skin. He introduces his lawyer, Clarence Mason and then perfectly delivers a dilly of a tongue-twister on "reading the well-written writs he's written". They argue that the British Bulldog should be wrestling Brett Hart at Survivor Series. Jimmy, ever the huckster, also manages to plug one of the Survivor Series matches while disregarding the laws of punctuation AND respiration.
Whoa, Black Betty...
Oh, and the Bulldog does get to speak too. Until Janetty turns up to toss the Bulldog and beat up poor Jim Cornette. (Who sells a punch like a landmine went off next to him, of course)
PHYSICS!
Tag team time with The Smoking Gunns vs. A Couple of Jobbers
But first, a recap of The 1-2-3 Packid throwing a hissy fit after losing to the Gunns. Pretty sure this led to the horrible "Crybaby" match where Sean was dipered and powdered by Razon Ramon. (Who had the good sense to shrug at the camera like "Hey mang, I didn't write this shit!" while doing so)
Jobber number 1 is "Otis Apollo", who has the physique of an Otis and.. the word "Apollo" on his trunks. It's a living, I suppose. A mid-match promo from The 1-2-3 Waltman plays, and wow, he sounds BLAZED! It was early in his career, so he might just had needed more practise time on the stick, but I have NEVER heard such a monotonic speech in my life.
Jobber number 2 is now in, and his name isn't worth mentioning, it seems. He looks like the tubby lovechild of Jason Bateman and Val Kilmer, though. A Sidewinder puts away Otis in three minutes flat.
I honestly think the arena is actually on fire by now
Rating: 0.25 Soon-to-be-Bad Asses
Promotional consideration paid for: Oh, fuck yes, WWF Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game. God that was a wonderfully over-the-top piece of crap to play.
At Survivor Series, Team Constipation vs Team Couldn't Give a Toss
Main Event: Owen Hart vs Razor Ramon for the Intercontinental Championship
But first, some guy shills plastic replicas of the WWF belts. Only US$24 including shipping! In 1995 dollars! While I'll admit I probably spent the same amount PLUS international shipping on a WWE belt for my son last year, these ones look like claw machine prizes.
But, hey! THREE free pictures of Diesel!
Razor and Owen get into it before the bell, with Owen taking a quick Scott Hall Airways flight to the floor. Some nice technical wrestling starts the match proper, with Razor working an armbar. This is of course the prefect time to shill the WWF Hotline, where you can get updates on Shawn Michaels medical condition for only $1.49/minute! (Spoiler: So long as he doesn't have to drop a belt to Shane Douglas, he's probably going to be fine)
Jim Cornette tries to get involved after a fallaway slam to Owen. Razor paintbrushes him, which causes Jimmy to fly off the apron like he was hit with a bazooka round. Yokozuna and Mr Fuji race to ringside at Yoko's top speed of "glacier" to assist.
Three days later...
Jimmy's selling is of course, hilarious. ("My eye! MY EYE! He hit me in my EYE!")
Oscar clip
Back from a break, Razor hammerlocks Owen, hefts him up in an atomic drop position, then just BRUTALLY slams him on his back and arm. Ouchie. Owen manages to toss Razor over the top and baseball slides him into the railing. Missile dropkick for two, and as usual, everything Owen is doing is so crisp it's ridiculous.
Vince is deep into his "1..2..3Hegothimnohedidn't!" phase of the match as Owen hits a Macho Man elbow for two, and we go to another break. Mooney plugs upcoming events, including one at the amusing (to me, anyway) venue.
Yeah, it's a cheap laugh. Sue me.
90's CGI abounds in this promo. It's aged... poorly.
We come back with both men down. Razor gets Owen up in a Razors Edge, then has to hold him up there for weeks as Yoko tries to get in to the ring to interfere.
"Any fucking time, Yoko!"
Once Yoko manages to untangle himself from the ropes, Razor gets beaten down and has a giant leg dropped on his melon for the DQ. The 1-2-3 Kid tries to help out, Yoko lays him out and legdrops him right on the face.
At Thnaksgiving, Yoko always brings the squash
Ahmed Johnson then runs in as well, as this suddenly turns into a Nitro. He bodyslams Yoko without maiming him, which was always a bonus as far as Ahmed was concerned.
Davey-Boy Smith runs-in to confront Ahmed, and they're in a stare-down as Raw goes off air. I assume six or seven more run-ins were cut for time.
Rating: 2.25 tossed toothpicks.
Final Thoughts: Mostly jobber-squishing filler, but the main event was quite fun. And who would have thought Goldust would still be showing upon Raw a dozen years later?
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