WWE Network Review: RAW, October 4th, 1994

Time to turn my attention to the WWE. (or F, depending in the vintage) I'm heading back to October 4th, 1994, a year where the WWF was in rebuild mode. Not a year as bad as 1995, where Vince somehow thought Mabel was a main eventer. Must have been some good shit being smoked in the board room that year.

And if so, I bet they enjoyed looking at Randy's jacket.

Straight into Vince screaming like a maniac, recapping Jim "The Anvil" challenging The British Bulldog to a match. And there's an Owen Hart sighting! Excuse me while I pour our a Canadian Club for my homie. Oh, what could have been.

Starring Davey-Boy Smith as Your Great-Aunt

Wait a second, this show is only 45 minutes long without commercials? Holy crap, I forgot it started as an hour-long show! Also tonight, Bob Backlund, Doink, Luna Vachon, Alundra Blaze, Bull Nakano and... Heidi Lee Morgan? Well, I knew I'd see a few people I'd never heard of in this gig.

Vince and Macho Man are on commentary, so you might want to turn your volume down just READING this recap. Macho hilariously mangles the word "hiatus", then tells Vince it's French. Somewhere, Dean Douglas is crying. A hiptoss by Davey-Boy and Vince screams so loud I'm afraid his vocal cords are about to explode. Macho is, as usual, adding syllables to words at random. He makes the word "husbands" last about an hour at one point.

They keep referencing Summer Slam, which was "five weeks ago". Ahh, the days when Pay-Per-Views didn't arrive more regularly than cross-town buses.

The Anvil totally no-sells a knee lift, so Macho calls him "A Powerful, Powerful Tower of Power". I suspect somewhere there's an all-male erotic film with the same name. We go to commercial as Brett Hart heads out.

That's not Will Continue, Will is taller than Brett Hart

He's the champion at this point, so yes, they went from Brett matches to Diesel vs Mabel in just over a year. Sit in the corner and think about what you've done, WWF.

Bulldog's knee plays Ricky Morton for a while until he makes a comeback. Anvil uses "Powaaaaaaaaaaaa" to stop that. (According to Randy at least, although I may be a few "a's" short) Owen is being a total Canadian Heel, shout that Brett needs to "get the heck out of here!" Hey, watch the potty mouth, kid~!

"Anvil, MACHKA!"

Bob Backland shows up as Owen gets The Anvil DQ'ed.

Rating : 2.5 Tim Horton's Apple Fritter Doughnuts.

We pause for a back-patting commercial pointing out WWF guys don't strike like baseball players. Yep, being considered "independent contractors" does kind of kill that chance, Vince. Dickhead.

Doink music! Yay!

Damn it, there's Dink. It's stupid babyface Doink. #EvilDoink4Life

Before the match, Randy wrecks a locker to get some Slim Jims. Dude, vandalism is NOT okay, even for salty meat bars!

Randy's locker has ALL the nitrates produced in 1994

Doinks wrestling Barry Horowitz. I better type fast, this may not last long.

Doink nearly fucks up a leapfrog right off the bat. Either that, or "Teabagging a Jew" was on his bucket list.

I'm getting angry DM's about the phrase "Teabagging a Jew", aren't I?

In case you're wondering, I haven't stopped the Crowd Sign Recapping gimmick. This crowd is just seriously under stocked with anything worth reading.

Doink is feuding with Jerry Lawler, because Jerry broke Dink's tricycle. I'm just reporting what Vince screamed at me, folks.

Doink beats Barry with The Whoopee Cushion, a top-rope buttdrop. Shocking, I know.

AKA "Bozo's Ballsacks"

Rating: 1 Honked Red Nose.

Paul Bearer and The Undertaker cut a promo on Yokozuna. Those two had the biggest disparity between vocal pitch in the WWF.

Time for the Kings Court, with Jerry running down Doink at length. While being heckled by Randy the whole time. Yokozuna comes out to be interviewed, along with Mr Fuji (Who has a sweet gig, getting paid for standing there with a flag every night) and of course, the man who could read this review faster than I could type it, Jim Cornette. Jimmy starts talking and the universe has to suddenly speed up just to keep pace with him. It's a fact, when Jimmy cuts a promo, he's the reason your holidays seems to FLY by.

There's a casket match in the future, allowing Jim and Jerry to play The Knights Who Say "Ni" with a casket-fearing Yokozuna. Someone fetch him a shrubbery!

"Say 'casket' one more time, motherfucker!"

Also, Yoko is the first person I've seen sweating like a pig during an interview segment. One in which he doesn't even have to say anything.

Next week: Lex Luger vs Bam Bam Bigelow!

Ladies tag-team action next! After a promo for the debuting WWF ACTION ZONE! The promo once again is petty as fuck, spoofing other sports talk shows. Keep it classy, Vince!

Oh, the hilarity

Vince keeps referencing current events to point how very LIVE they are. Congrats on the wedding, Whoopi Goldberg! I hope you'll both be very h... oh, divorced in less than a year, huh?

Hope you got to keep the ring, then.

Before Sadako dies, she sees Bull Nakano.

Heidi-Lee gets some nice technical offense, even getting to take down Bill Nakano with a headscissors or two. She's actually pretty good, so I wonder what happened to her? (To Google!)

Okay, so she wrestled since 1977, was in the WWF in the 80's and 90's from time to time, then retired to have kids.

Then un-retired in 1997 and broke her back in the ring during her first match back. Damn. Her family now runs a wrestling school.

Alundra tags in. Randy thinks it's something called a "con-frannnn-tay-tioon!". The match is fun, stupidly fast-paced and ends with Alundra beating Luna with a pretty German suplex. Sadly, somewhere in the USA, a man called Vince Russo was already making plans to set back women's wrestling by about forty years or so.

King Kong Bundy will be here next week! Hope he brings that god-awful green-screen with him.

I want this on an T-shirt

Main Event (?)-Bob Backlund vs Gary Scott, who looks like he's been pre-shrunk before the match.

Randy tries to use Bab Backlund-level big words. This results in a plethora of mutilated syllables. It’s joyous.

Gary rides Bob like a pack pony in a disturbing moment. Crossface chickenwing ends the match for Bob.

"Hi-ho, Bobby... AWAY!"

Yes, that's seriously the only two things that I felt worth recapping in this match.

Rating: 0.25 Crazy Old Men

Bob takes a lap of honour and runs away. Nurse, he's out of his restraints again!

Post-match, Vince interviews Brett Hart for a few minutes and we're done. But we FINALLY get a sign worth mentioning.

In fact, it's worth screen-capping.

*X-Files Theme*

Final thoughts: Moderately entertaining! Mainly due to the ladies, Randy and Jim Cornette, but I'll take what I can get.