WWE Network Review: WCW Nitro, September 26th, 2000
Okay, let's continue this shitshow of reviews as we dive into WCW in the Year 2000. One which I recall as being... well, a runaway train of dumpster fires tied to the back of the USS Vince Russo on it's maiden voyage to the heart of the sun.
But maybe it wasn't that bad?
WCW Nitro, September 26th, 2000
We're in New York and we cold open with a recap of... oh fuck, Vince Russo on the microphone with triumphant music. He's challenging Booker T for the Championship tonight. In "Caged Heat", though sadly not the women-in-prison flick.
Can we tie two extra flaming dumpsters to the train, please?
Here's where I remind myself I'm doing this for fun
Vince gets a limo entrance, and was probably sporting a three-foot boner as he did it. We go to those weird-ass late WCW titles, where things are going in reverse, Goldberg is making demonic noises and for some reason, Kevin Nash's eyes flicker like a bad 80's sci-fi villain.
But hey, at least there's going to be signs to readOH FUCK, Mark fucking Madden is on commentary. I think I blocked him from my memory.
Anyway, straight into our first match, with Big Vito facing Johnny the Bull. In a...
I can't believe I'm typing this, but here goes...
...An "I Quit Stickball Bat vs Kendo Stick Match".
I may have peaked early today.
Johnny manages to wrestle with his hat still on for a few minutes, which may be the most impressive thing in this contest.
Shame about the match
Sign: "Punk" *downwards arrow-Fuck off, C.M, we're not chanting for you yet.
Madden lets us get 7 minutes into the show before mentioning Major Gunns. Quite restrained for Madden. The match has had fifty kendo stick shots and a knee lift. Can I quit and end the match? My attention wanders and I note the upper deck of this arena seems fairly empty. And that's on the hard camera side, so I hate to think how many empty seats there are all told.
800 kendo stick shots and four minutes in, Reno (whoever the fuck he was) runs in with a *sigh* kendo stick and attacks Vito. Vito's wife makes the save by running in to quit for Vito.
Reno, member of the "Natura Born Bilners", apparently
Rating: 842 kendo sticks multiplied by how many fucks I gave. 842 x zero is zero, right?
Backstage, Vince gets a verbal blowjob from Jeremy Borash. This is going to be long 90 minutes.
To the announce table, where Madden talks up Russo. (His accent makes it sound like he mentions "Babe Ruths cum-shot" in his diatribe, although I may have misheard that) To add to my misery, we get some footage of David Flair looking for the father of Stacey Keibler's baby. (There was a failed wedding between them a few weeks ago, apparently. Can't wait until I recap that.) Hilariously, Flair is have to act like a homicidal badass. Man, this is DAVID FLAIR we're talking about! It's like a terrible 90210 audition.
David Flair vs The Kids in the Hall-NEXT on TNT!
Up next, Jeff Jarrett heads out to ringside, before Captain Steroids-and-Chainmail, Scott Steiner joins him, (With his valet… uh… "Mijadeja" Your spelling may vary, I suspect) Jeff gets on the stick.
"Slapnuts" count: 1!
Then a "slapasses", so points for varying it up, Double J.
Scott also gets a chance to talk, so students of the English language may wish to cover their ears for a few seconds. He addresses some local football-type sports guy. Not sure of his real name, because in Steiner-ese it was pronounced "Joe Blauwagaowa". He shouts something about Goldberg, inventing three new vowels in the process. I think I understand Danish yodelling more than a Scott Steiner promo.
with his valet, Botox Girl!
Sign: "Sir Pumpalot"-Well, that's my new porn star name dialled in.
Russo and Borash head on out. I will freely admit I no longer have clue fucking one who Jeremy Borash is, or was. Russo talks, and I can actually HEAR Jim Cornette screaming incoherently in the background. Russo's voice is the aural equivalent of a dental drill at the best of times, and when he's written a show where poeaople kiss his ass for an hour it propels him to new heights of punchability.
Sting and Booker interrupt on the Nitro-Tron, and Goldberg makes his inevitably shocking return. And we go to commercial in the middle of a sentence, Not sure if that was some high-grade WCW editing, or the Network trimmed something out.
We return to the locker room, and there's two dudes I honestly can't place. It's Kronik, who have changed hairstyles since I last saw them, but are still bland as fuck. A third guy enters to tell them they're out of a tag team Battle Royal, and I blank on him, too. You made one hell of an impression on me, mid-2000's WCW.
Hey it's that guy and he's getting beaten up by both... those other guys
No worries though, Bryan Adams has a plan. A cunning one, I hope.
Thankfully Tony fills me in that the messenger was Mike Sanders. Nope, still got nothing.
Tag Team Battle Royal for the vacated (Yep, there's a word I'm going to type a lot in WCW) tag team titles. Tony explains the situation, and it makes my head hurt so much I go for a Single Malt before continuing.
To sum up:
-The Filthy Animals (Rey, Juvy and Konnaan) had the titles until Disco Inferno put them up in a singles match. (What?)
-Disco lost the match, meaning the titles were vacated. (Sorry?)
-The Animals come out still holding the belts (Please explain?)
-They're in the Battle Royal with everyone else. (Whiskywhiskywhisky)
Also, Rey (unmasked WCW version) is wearing black leather fishing waders, has his hair in devil horns and is sucking an enormous lollypop. What. The. Fuck? Meanwhile, Juvy looks like he killed a Zebra and made pants out if it.
No. Just no
Sign: "Go back to Blossom, O'Haire!"-Sick burn, dude!
The fists and boots start flying, with one of the Jung Dragons going out quickly. The Harris Brothers are in this, reminding me of so MANY boring, boring matches. "Sugar" Shane Helms goes out a minute or two later, right through a table that's at ringside for no readily apparent reason. Way to build the drama. Konaan's on guest commentary, spending the whole time making masturbation jokes about the other teams. Classy.
And here come Kronik, ready to execute their master plan that Bryan Adams was formulating backstage.
They get in the ring and start hitting people.
Fuck me dead, WCW, how could you be THIS much worse than I remember?
Kronik eliminate the Harris Brothers (thank you!), Jamie-San (Remember when Jamie Noble turned Japanese for a while there?) and the rest of Three-Count. Adams tries to gorilla-press Chavo, and for three VERY scary seconds, nearly drops him about fifteen times. He finally tosses him safely out, as eight guys rush the ring and mace Kronik. Madden: "FACE FULLA MACE!! FACE FULLA MACE!" *sigh*
We're down to the Animals and Jindrak & O'Haire. Because this overbooked-to-hell-and-back shitshow needs more nonsense, Disco Inferno runs in and accidently bops Juvy with his Disco Duck. Yes, that's the level of writing we're at, folks. A literal Disco fucking Duck. Juvy's out, so the WCW timekeeper rings the bell to end the match.
Rey's still in it , of course, because by this point, even the timekeeper couldn't properly do the ONE fucking job he had.
He gets beaten down and tossed to hand the titles to Jindrak and O'Haire.
Rating: That match shouldn't be rated, it should be classified and locked away from the public.
Coming up soon, a bikini contest. Because apparently I'm stuck in WCW Tits and Ass Groundhog Day. Gene is backstage with Howards Stern's "Quack Pack". (A collection of dwarves, rednecks and a guy whose talent is a high-pitched voice.) This is truly horrible. Doubly so as Nash and company get to wander in and make off-colour jokes. I;m now a third of the way through this shitastrophe. Surely it can't get worse?
Yes, that's foreshadowing
FUCK ME. It's the Insane Clown Posse. With trash cans, kendo sticks and worse, live mics.
I know, I know, they're cool now because they hate Trump. They still had ZERO business wrestling on my TV.
They calling out Mike Awesome, who caused Vampiro to have "a fractured spleen, or something". Oh fuck, I remember this one.
Yep, there's Mike "That 70's Guy" Awesome's Brady Bunch bus. Mike pops out of the bus with a fire extinguisher and hits... I'll admit, I don't know which is which so we'll say Clowny Too Fat with the lightest gutshot possible. Clowny So Ginger doesn't hold back, of course, just smashing shit on Mike's head with scant regard for the poor dude's brain. A table gets set up and Mike gets dragged to the hood of the bus. (Hey, the match is nearly 45 seconds old, let's get a move on here!)
Violent Can't-Sell takes a table bump, literally cartwheeling himself through the wood with one punch. I'm starting to wish this was a Master P segment. To the top of the bus for the spot I still, recall VERY clearly. (Unlike, say, Mike Sanders)
Mike gives Shaggy Bad-Call an Awesomebomb on top of the bus, whereupon Shaggy slides slickly over the edge. (With Mike breaking character and desperately clutching at his boot to slow Shaggys descent, probably saving him from a serious injury in the process)
C'mon, everybody, get concussed!
He climbs down and covers to end things.
Rating: 0.25 Dazed Clowns
The Cat is on his way to the ring. Hope his momma's been notified. Meanwhile, David Flair drives and shouts a lot. Then invades a Chuck E Cheese and ends up attacking the ballpit. This spot has some of the worst acting I've ever seen.
And I've watched more than one Andy Milligan film.
David looks for what's left of his career
Sign: "Ralphus is the Father"-Dun dun DUHHHHHH!
The Cat makes it to the ring, with "Miss Jones". They cut the mizzle so the Cat can tell Mark Madden he "hates your fat ass!". That felt like an improv.
Especially to this guy
Ernest is going to fight anyone that runs in for Russo tonight. I suspect a record-breaking number of run-ins may now occur. Mike Sanders heads out with a baseball bat to confront The Cat.
The crowd chants "asshole" at him. Well, any reaction is a good one, I guess. He gets a beatdown by The Cat. Nash arrives with The Natural Born Thrillas who dogpile The Cat and dance the Mashed Potatoes on his chest.
Simultaneous Sign Action: "Bring Back Scott Hall" and "Where is El Dandy?"-You're both dreaming, I'm afraid.
I'm ignoring all the cutaways to Miss Nitro contestants, by the way. Just imagine Mark Madden screaming something sexist every five minutes or so.
Back from break, it's time for the bikini contest. This goes on for WEEKS, as I fast-forward. (I have the internet, I can look at tits any time I want)
Shot in RUSSO-Vision!
I stop suddenly as Hacksaw Jim Duggan arrives to cover up Major Gunns, and holy shit, he's turned heel. CANADIAN HEEL!
What the fuck were they thinking? They decided to make Jim a heel and the best they could come up with was a maple-leaf jacket? The "contest" degenerates into a catfight with S & M overtones as Maddens Sexist Fuckometer goes critical. It ends with the mother of all edits as we snap to the back to give Scott Steiner more mic time. Thankfully, Goldberg shows up and stops him talking by throwing him into some packing crates.
WCW Crash TV at its finest, folks. I'm liable to get a seizure trying to watch this horseshit.
Another break, and oh joy, it's Disco Inferno time! He spouts duck-related nonsense and tries to intro his new partner. Scott Steiner shows up, beats him and yells a string of vaguely-English-sounding utterances. Goldberg responds and challenges him to an impromptu cage match, with no ref, because Russo, that's fucking why. They brawl on the floor and around the commentators table. (Madden "This is brutal! This is inhuman!". What, your commentary?)
"That's a goose!"-My kid.
Inside the cage, and it's a No-Sell-a-Thon. Steiner gets to rock a black Phantom of the Opera mask, which somehow makes him look LESS insane than usual. Madjedjiaridoo runs in to the cage to give Scott a weapon. Y'know, not locking the cage kinda defeats the whole point of a cage match, yeah? Scott tries to leave, only to find NFL-er Jumbo Elliot (wow, I wasn't even close!) guarding the door. Goldberg hits Scott with a pipe and just wanders out.
"The music of the *string of garbled vowel sounds*"
Rating: 0.5 baseball bats to the nuts (Which is what watching this show feels like)
Backstage, Jeff Jarrett guitar-shots a midget. That's NOT a masturbation euphemism. This show is like 4,000 segments long.
Who's up next? Oh good, General Hugh G. Rection. This just keeps getting better and better. An actual match breaks out, although by this stage of proceedings, can I even really give a damn? Then Team Canada runs in after three minutes. Was this entire written on amphetamines? The M.I.A run in to attack the Cnauckers. Then Sting runs in to attack everyone. So Lance Storm challenges him to a match. Can we make this one last more than four minutes and be good, PLEASE?
Back from a commercial and the match is in progress. Because why the fuck not show only half of one of Lance Storms excellent matches? Who wants wrestling on a FUCKING WRESTLING SHOW!!
(Breathe, Kiwi, breathe…).
Sign: "Bring Back the Brain"-Watching this, I'd sure he'd rather take unemployment than work there.
You got that right, caption
The match is actually quite good, but the idiot-level commentary does it's best to take away even this tiny moment of joy. Sting wins it with a Scorpion Death Drop after some nifty reversals.
Rating: 2.5 Overbooked Kerfuffles.
Then this happens. My brain hurts
More David Flair sehnanagins, as he FINALLY pulls up at the house he's been looking for through three badly-written and worse-acted skits. He storms up to the door and...
... we fade out. Was that a commercial? Is it over? At this point, I'll happily take a cliff-hanger ending.
We then fade up again. Inside the house. Now, as a wrestling fan, I've had to try to believe some incredible horsehockey over the last few decades. But why the HELL is there a cameraman inside some random dudes house? If it was a commercial, did David take two full minutes to walk up a three-foot pathway? SO MANY QUESTIONS!
Anyhoo, David confronts the winner of the Worst Actor in Existence Award of the year 2000. He has three lines, which he repeats constantly. Each time, he repsonds to David with a MASSIVE pause, then delivers the line like he's learned it phonetically. Finally David is told (in the most robotic fashion imaginable) that he's come to the wrong house, and should be across the street.
SO WHY THE FUCK WAS A WCW CAMERAMAN IN THIS MANS HOME?
For your consideration, Best Supporting Actor, 1999
(Fifteen minutes left to watch. Fifteen minutes to go. We can do this.)
Next door, there's no-one home. Mr Roboto tells David the owners been away for weeks. And so the entire night has been an exercise in pointless frustration for Flair.
Now he knows how I feel!
Pointless aside: Back in the late 90's when people still had "e-feds", I wrote recaps of 14-year-olds pretend wrestling cards in the style of Scott Keith. This show was written by professional WCW writers, and its STILL less coherent than some of the cards I read.
Thirteen minutes left, Mean Gene interviews Vince Russo (because God hates me) who's now in full football gear, complete with helmet. Somebody sack the bastard, please! Russo enters, holding his crotch like he's afraid his dick is about to fly off. To commercial!
Two weeks from now, Nitro goes to Australia! Juvy, it's your time to shine! Have fun, buddy!
Booker makes it to the cage. There's nine minutes left in the show. Half the locker room earns their pay check by turning up to watch from ringside as Vince takes a baseball bat to Booker. The Network starts to fuck up on my feed, trying to save me from this "match", I suspect. A ladder comes out fifty-four seconds into the match.
Hey WCW, a writer is now manhandling your World Champ. Did anyone think this through?
Russo uses the ladder to pop open the roof of the cage. Quality workmanship there. Sting rappels out of the rafters to block him. It takes this idiocy to let Booker take over. Book 'em strong, Vince! You egotistical fuckwad.
I get a few moments of pleasure, as Booker gets a chance to kick Vince in the face a few times. Not ENOUGH times, but I'll take what I can get.
And then the run-in happens. Lex Luger shows up (4 minutes, 30 seconds in) and passes a lead pipe to Russo. Russo takes out the ref and beats on some EMTs.
One of whom is Ric Flair.
What's stronger than whisky?
Ric stomps on Russos 'nads and figure-fours him.
My favourite part of the show, naturally
This prompts the entire locker room to empty for a mass brawl in the aisle. Overbooked? Slightly. Axe-kick and spinarooni, sidekick in the face and Bookers about to walk out,. Then Goldberg shows up (sure why not?) and Scott Steiner tries a run-in. (fuck it, let's have Dusty Rhodes, Pedro Morales and the ghost of Ed "Strangler" Lewis while we're about it)
The whole painful event FINALLY ends as Goldberg spears Russo through the cage wall to presumably hand him the title. Russo had paused to put his football helmet back on, which proves to be the smartest thing he ever does, as his head SMASHES into the guardrail on the way out. Pretty sure Jim Cornette now hates football helmets.
Booker and Goldberg high-five as the commentators yell at each other in confusion, and mercifully, this Shit Sandwich with extra Craponaise ends.
Final Thoughts: This isn't a show. It's the most public crime against humanity of the new millennium. Fuck you, Vince Russo.
But maybe it wasn't that bad?
WCW Nitro, September 26th, 2000
We're in New York and we cold open with a recap of... oh fuck, Vince Russo on the microphone with triumphant music. He's challenging Booker T for the Championship tonight. In "Caged Heat", though sadly not the women-in-prison flick.
Can we tie two extra flaming dumpsters to the train, please?
Here's where I remind myself I'm doing this for fun
Vince gets a limo entrance, and was probably sporting a three-foot boner as he did it. We go to those weird-ass late WCW titles, where things are going in reverse, Goldberg is making demonic noises and for some reason, Kevin Nash's eyes flicker like a bad 80's sci-fi villain.
But hey, at least there's going to be signs to readOH FUCK, Mark fucking Madden is on commentary. I think I blocked him from my memory.
Anyway, straight into our first match, with Big Vito facing Johnny the Bull. In a...
I can't believe I'm typing this, but here goes...
...An "I Quit Stickball Bat vs Kendo Stick Match".
I may have peaked early today.
Johnny manages to wrestle with his hat still on for a few minutes, which may be the most impressive thing in this contest.
Shame about the match
Sign: "Punk" *downwards arrow-Fuck off, C.M, we're not chanting for you yet.
Madden lets us get 7 minutes into the show before mentioning Major Gunns. Quite restrained for Madden. The match has had fifty kendo stick shots and a knee lift. Can I quit and end the match? My attention wanders and I note the upper deck of this arena seems fairly empty. And that's on the hard camera side, so I hate to think how many empty seats there are all told.
800 kendo stick shots and four minutes in, Reno (whoever the fuck he was) runs in with a *sigh* kendo stick and attacks Vito. Vito's wife makes the save by running in to quit for Vito.
Reno, member of the "Natura Born Bilners", apparently
Rating: 842 kendo sticks multiplied by how many fucks I gave. 842 x zero is zero, right?
Backstage, Vince gets a verbal blowjob from Jeremy Borash. This is going to be long 90 minutes.
To the announce table, where Madden talks up Russo. (His accent makes it sound like he mentions "Babe Ruths cum-shot" in his diatribe, although I may have misheard that) To add to my misery, we get some footage of David Flair looking for the father of Stacey Keibler's baby. (There was a failed wedding between them a few weeks ago, apparently. Can't wait until I recap that.) Hilariously, Flair is have to act like a homicidal badass. Man, this is DAVID FLAIR we're talking about! It's like a terrible 90210 audition.
David Flair vs The Kids in the Hall-NEXT on TNT!
Up next, Jeff Jarrett heads out to ringside, before Captain Steroids-and-Chainmail, Scott Steiner joins him, (With his valet… uh… "Mijadeja" Your spelling may vary, I suspect) Jeff gets on the stick.
"Slapnuts" count: 1!
Then a "slapasses", so points for varying it up, Double J.
Scott also gets a chance to talk, so students of the English language may wish to cover their ears for a few seconds. He addresses some local football-type sports guy. Not sure of his real name, because in Steiner-ese it was pronounced "Joe Blauwagaowa". He shouts something about Goldberg, inventing three new vowels in the process. I think I understand Danish yodelling more than a Scott Steiner promo.
with his valet, Botox Girl!
Sign: "Sir Pumpalot"-Well, that's my new porn star name dialled in.
Russo and Borash head on out. I will freely admit I no longer have clue fucking one who Jeremy Borash is, or was. Russo talks, and I can actually HEAR Jim Cornette screaming incoherently in the background. Russo's voice is the aural equivalent of a dental drill at the best of times, and when he's written a show where poeaople kiss his ass for an hour it propels him to new heights of punchability.
Sting and Booker interrupt on the Nitro-Tron, and Goldberg makes his inevitably shocking return. And we go to commercial in the middle of a sentence, Not sure if that was some high-grade WCW editing, or the Network trimmed something out.
We return to the locker room, and there's two dudes I honestly can't place. It's Kronik, who have changed hairstyles since I last saw them, but are still bland as fuck. A third guy enters to tell them they're out of a tag team Battle Royal, and I blank on him, too. You made one hell of an impression on me, mid-2000's WCW.
Hey it's that guy and he's getting beaten up by both... those other guys
No worries though, Bryan Adams has a plan. A cunning one, I hope.
Thankfully Tony fills me in that the messenger was Mike Sanders. Nope, still got nothing.
Tag Team Battle Royal for the vacated (Yep, there's a word I'm going to type a lot in WCW) tag team titles. Tony explains the situation, and it makes my head hurt so much I go for a Single Malt before continuing.
To sum up:
-The Filthy Animals (Rey, Juvy and Konnaan) had the titles until Disco Inferno put them up in a singles match. (What?)
-Disco lost the match, meaning the titles were vacated. (Sorry?)
-The Animals come out still holding the belts (Please explain?)
-They're in the Battle Royal with everyone else. (Whiskywhiskywhisky)
Also, Rey (unmasked WCW version) is wearing black leather fishing waders, has his hair in devil horns and is sucking an enormous lollypop. What. The. Fuck? Meanwhile, Juvy looks like he killed a Zebra and made pants out if it.
No. Just no
Sign: "Go back to Blossom, O'Haire!"-Sick burn, dude!
The fists and boots start flying, with one of the Jung Dragons going out quickly. The Harris Brothers are in this, reminding me of so MANY boring, boring matches. "Sugar" Shane Helms goes out a minute or two later, right through a table that's at ringside for no readily apparent reason. Way to build the drama. Konaan's on guest commentary, spending the whole time making masturbation jokes about the other teams. Classy.
And here come Kronik, ready to execute their master plan that Bryan Adams was formulating backstage.
They get in the ring and start hitting people.
Fuck me dead, WCW, how could you be THIS much worse than I remember?
Kronik eliminate the Harris Brothers (thank you!), Jamie-San (Remember when Jamie Noble turned Japanese for a while there?) and the rest of Three-Count. Adams tries to gorilla-press Chavo, and for three VERY scary seconds, nearly drops him about fifteen times. He finally tosses him safely out, as eight guys rush the ring and mace Kronik. Madden: "FACE FULLA MACE!! FACE FULLA MACE!" *sigh*
We're down to the Animals and Jindrak & O'Haire. Because this overbooked-to-hell-and-back shitshow needs more nonsense, Disco Inferno runs in and accidently bops Juvy with his Disco Duck. Yes, that's the level of writing we're at, folks. A literal Disco fucking Duck. Juvy's out, so the WCW timekeeper rings the bell to end the match.
Rey's still in it , of course, because by this point, even the timekeeper couldn't properly do the ONE fucking job he had.
He gets beaten down and tossed to hand the titles to Jindrak and O'Haire.
Rating: That match shouldn't be rated, it should be classified and locked away from the public.
Coming up soon, a bikini contest. Because apparently I'm stuck in WCW Tits and Ass Groundhog Day. Gene is backstage with Howards Stern's "Quack Pack". (A collection of dwarves, rednecks and a guy whose talent is a high-pitched voice.) This is truly horrible. Doubly so as Nash and company get to wander in and make off-colour jokes. I;m now a third of the way through this shitastrophe. Surely it can't get worse?
Yes, that's foreshadowing
FUCK ME. It's the Insane Clown Posse. With trash cans, kendo sticks and worse, live mics.
I know, I know, they're cool now because they hate Trump. They still had ZERO business wrestling on my TV.
They calling out Mike Awesome, who caused Vampiro to have "a fractured spleen, or something". Oh fuck, I remember this one.
Yep, there's Mike "That 70's Guy" Awesome's Brady Bunch bus. Mike pops out of the bus with a fire extinguisher and hits... I'll admit, I don't know which is which so we'll say Clowny Too Fat with the lightest gutshot possible. Clowny So Ginger doesn't hold back, of course, just smashing shit on Mike's head with scant regard for the poor dude's brain. A table gets set up and Mike gets dragged to the hood of the bus. (Hey, the match is nearly 45 seconds old, let's get a move on here!)
Violent Can't-Sell takes a table bump, literally cartwheeling himself through the wood with one punch. I'm starting to wish this was a Master P segment. To the top of the bus for the spot I still, recall VERY clearly. (Unlike, say, Mike Sanders)
Mike gives Shaggy Bad-Call an Awesomebomb on top of the bus, whereupon Shaggy slides slickly over the edge. (With Mike breaking character and desperately clutching at his boot to slow Shaggys descent, probably saving him from a serious injury in the process)
C'mon, everybody, get concussed!
He climbs down and covers to end things.
Rating: 0.25 Dazed Clowns
The Cat is on his way to the ring. Hope his momma's been notified. Meanwhile, David Flair drives and shouts a lot. Then invades a Chuck E Cheese and ends up attacking the ballpit. This spot has some of the worst acting I've ever seen.
And I've watched more than one Andy Milligan film.
David looks for what's left of his career
Sign: "Ralphus is the Father"-Dun dun DUHHHHHH!
The Cat makes it to the ring, with "Miss Jones". They cut the mizzle so the Cat can tell Mark Madden he "hates your fat ass!". That felt like an improv.
Especially to this guy
Ernest is going to fight anyone that runs in for Russo tonight. I suspect a record-breaking number of run-ins may now occur. Mike Sanders heads out with a baseball bat to confront The Cat.
The crowd chants "asshole" at him. Well, any reaction is a good one, I guess. He gets a beatdown by The Cat. Nash arrives with The Natural Born Thrillas who dogpile The Cat and dance the Mashed Potatoes on his chest.
Simultaneous Sign Action: "Bring Back Scott Hall" and "Where is El Dandy?"-You're both dreaming, I'm afraid.
I'm ignoring all the cutaways to Miss Nitro contestants, by the way. Just imagine Mark Madden screaming something sexist every five minutes or so.
Back from break, it's time for the bikini contest. This goes on for WEEKS, as I fast-forward. (I have the internet, I can look at tits any time I want)
Shot in RUSSO-Vision!
I stop suddenly as Hacksaw Jim Duggan arrives to cover up Major Gunns, and holy shit, he's turned heel. CANADIAN HEEL!
What the fuck were they thinking? They decided to make Jim a heel and the best they could come up with was a maple-leaf jacket? The "contest" degenerates into a catfight with S & M overtones as Maddens Sexist Fuckometer goes critical. It ends with the mother of all edits as we snap to the back to give Scott Steiner more mic time. Thankfully, Goldberg shows up and stops him talking by throwing him into some packing crates.
WCW Crash TV at its finest, folks. I'm liable to get a seizure trying to watch this horseshit.
Another break, and oh joy, it's Disco Inferno time! He spouts duck-related nonsense and tries to intro his new partner. Scott Steiner shows up, beats him and yells a string of vaguely-English-sounding utterances. Goldberg responds and challenges him to an impromptu cage match, with no ref, because Russo, that's fucking why. They brawl on the floor and around the commentators table. (Madden "This is brutal! This is inhuman!". What, your commentary?)
"That's a goose!"-My kid.
Inside the cage, and it's a No-Sell-a-Thon. Steiner gets to rock a black Phantom of the Opera mask, which somehow makes him look LESS insane than usual. Madjedjiaridoo runs in to the cage to give Scott a weapon. Y'know, not locking the cage kinda defeats the whole point of a cage match, yeah? Scott tries to leave, only to find NFL-er Jumbo Elliot (wow, I wasn't even close!) guarding the door. Goldberg hits Scott with a pipe and just wanders out.
"The music of the *string of garbled vowel sounds*"
Rating: 0.5 baseball bats to the nuts (Which is what watching this show feels like)
Backstage, Jeff Jarrett guitar-shots a midget. That's NOT a masturbation euphemism. This show is like 4,000 segments long.
Who's up next? Oh good, General Hugh G. Rection. This just keeps getting better and better. An actual match breaks out, although by this stage of proceedings, can I even really give a damn? Then Team Canada runs in after three minutes. Was this entire written on amphetamines? The M.I.A run in to attack the Cnauckers. Then Sting runs in to attack everyone. So Lance Storm challenges him to a match. Can we make this one last more than four minutes and be good, PLEASE?
Back from a commercial and the match is in progress. Because why the fuck not show only half of one of Lance Storms excellent matches? Who wants wrestling on a FUCKING WRESTLING SHOW!!
(Breathe, Kiwi, breathe…).
Sign: "Bring Back the Brain"-Watching this, I'd sure he'd rather take unemployment than work there.
You got that right, caption
The match is actually quite good, but the idiot-level commentary does it's best to take away even this tiny moment of joy. Sting wins it with a Scorpion Death Drop after some nifty reversals.
Rating: 2.5 Overbooked Kerfuffles.
Then this happens. My brain hurts
More David Flair sehnanagins, as he FINALLY pulls up at the house he's been looking for through three badly-written and worse-acted skits. He storms up to the door and...
... we fade out. Was that a commercial? Is it over? At this point, I'll happily take a cliff-hanger ending.
We then fade up again. Inside the house. Now, as a wrestling fan, I've had to try to believe some incredible horsehockey over the last few decades. But why the HELL is there a cameraman inside some random dudes house? If it was a commercial, did David take two full minutes to walk up a three-foot pathway? SO MANY QUESTIONS!
Anyhoo, David confronts the winner of the Worst Actor in Existence Award of the year 2000. He has three lines, which he repeats constantly. Each time, he repsonds to David with a MASSIVE pause, then delivers the line like he's learned it phonetically. Finally David is told (in the most robotic fashion imaginable) that he's come to the wrong house, and should be across the street.
SO WHY THE FUCK WAS A WCW CAMERAMAN IN THIS MANS HOME?
For your consideration, Best Supporting Actor, 1999
(Fifteen minutes left to watch. Fifteen minutes to go. We can do this.)
Next door, there's no-one home. Mr Roboto tells David the owners been away for weeks. And so the entire night has been an exercise in pointless frustration for Flair.
Now he knows how I feel!
Pointless aside: Back in the late 90's when people still had "e-feds", I wrote recaps of 14-year-olds pretend wrestling cards in the style of Scott Keith. This show was written by professional WCW writers, and its STILL less coherent than some of the cards I read.
Thirteen minutes left, Mean Gene interviews Vince Russo (because God hates me) who's now in full football gear, complete with helmet. Somebody sack the bastard, please! Russo enters, holding his crotch like he's afraid his dick is about to fly off. To commercial!
Two weeks from now, Nitro goes to Australia! Juvy, it's your time to shine! Have fun, buddy!
Booker makes it to the cage. There's nine minutes left in the show. Half the locker room earns their pay check by turning up to watch from ringside as Vince takes a baseball bat to Booker. The Network starts to fuck up on my feed, trying to save me from this "match", I suspect. A ladder comes out fifty-four seconds into the match.
Hey WCW, a writer is now manhandling your World Champ. Did anyone think this through?
Russo uses the ladder to pop open the roof of the cage. Quality workmanship there. Sting rappels out of the rafters to block him. It takes this idiocy to let Booker take over. Book 'em strong, Vince! You egotistical fuckwad.
I get a few moments of pleasure, as Booker gets a chance to kick Vince in the face a few times. Not ENOUGH times, but I'll take what I can get.
And then the run-in happens. Lex Luger shows up (4 minutes, 30 seconds in) and passes a lead pipe to Russo. Russo takes out the ref and beats on some EMTs.
One of whom is Ric Flair.
What's stronger than whisky?
Ric stomps on Russos 'nads and figure-fours him.
My favourite part of the show, naturally
This prompts the entire locker room to empty for a mass brawl in the aisle. Overbooked? Slightly. Axe-kick and spinarooni, sidekick in the face and Bookers about to walk out,. Then Goldberg shows up (sure why not?) and Scott Steiner tries a run-in. (fuck it, let's have Dusty Rhodes, Pedro Morales and the ghost of Ed "Strangler" Lewis while we're about it)
The whole painful event FINALLY ends as Goldberg spears Russo through the cage wall to presumably hand him the title. Russo had paused to put his football helmet back on, which proves to be the smartest thing he ever does, as his head SMASHES into the guardrail on the way out. Pretty sure Jim Cornette now hates football helmets.
Booker and Goldberg high-five as the commentators yell at each other in confusion, and mercifully, this Shit Sandwich with extra Craponaise ends.
Final Thoughts: This isn't a show. It's the most public crime against humanity of the new millennium. Fuck you, Vince Russo.
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