WWF Saturday Night's Main Event, April 28th, 1991
WWF Saturday Night's Main Event, April 28th, 1991
Right, let's stick with the WWF, and drop back a couple of years to mid-1991. This card is from the Saturday Night's Main Event series, which we never got in Kiwiland.
Vince and Macho are on the sticks, with Macho rocking a bright red Macho Pimp hat and a black-and-white ensemble that appears to have been the target of an IED. Twenty man battle Royale tonight. The Nasty Boys, The Ultimate Warrior and The Bushwackers are promised. Well, two out of three ain't bad. You'll have to guess which one I don't like, but they rhyme with "Bobbs" and "Hags".
"Is it breezy in here, Vince?"
We start of with an interview with Iraqi-sympathiser Sgt Slaughter, who launches into his usual gargling-with-gravel promo. He drops his "The Ultimate Puke" line a couple of times. I think anyone who has drunk Jagerbombs and red wine in the same evening knows what that's like.
I pause to type notes, then look up to see Sarge's chin being thrust at the camera. If this was in 3-D, it'd look like and aerial picture of the Rock of Gibraltar. Dude must use three Bic disposables on every shave.
If you stare too long into the chin...
Over to Mean Gene and The Ultimate Warrior. The Warrior has been sealed in a coffin by the Undertaker a few weeks prior, so Gene wants to know how it affected him. The Warrior responds with a tirade of abject gibberish. So, no affect at all then? Sounds perfectly normal to me.
*assorted animal noises*
To the ring!
First up: Sgt Slaughter vs The Ultimate Warrior
Sarge is in the ring already, so we get to see The Warrior taking his usual half-mile 80mph run to the ring. Sarge promptly climbs a turnbuckle and gets slammed to the mat to start things off. Helpful chap! He's bumping all over the ring, reacting like the Warrior is packing an invisible sledgehammer with every punch. But a good old-fashion Greco-Roman thumb in the eye turns the tide.
Outside, Colonel Iron Mustapha Sheik helps out a little. The Warriors selling now looks like Joe Cocker taught him dance moves. ("What, would you do?/When you wrest-le a Puke?") Bearhug and the Warrior is... uh, Warrior-ing up? Not for long though. I'm scanning the crowd for signs, but nada. Must have been an Attitude Era thing. An ass-load of kids (and more than a few adults who should know better) wearing Hulk Hogan bandanas, though. They look like a nerdy street gang. One that refuses to put any other gangs over, naturally.
More bearhuggery as Paul Bearer appears in the aisle, bringing a custom Warrior-themed casket. Randy is deep in heel mode, so he goes berserk at what great tactics this is. It's the Warrior, hope that casket is full of some Kryptonite-laced facepaint, which is his only known weakness. We go to commercial.
We get back as Warrior starts the Rope-Shaking, Horsey-Gallop of POWER! He drops Sarge with the shoulderblock as Paul opens the casket. Did you guess Taker was inside? I did. Takers expression is hilariously pouty at first, before getting a little more Dead Man-y. The heels swarm the ring and beat down the Warrior for a DQ finish.
Rating: 1.75 Flailing Arm Tassels.
Hulk Hogan makes the save, clearing out Sarge's troops, then biffs 'Taker with his belt. Taker is all like "Fuck that, dude", so Hulk just ditches the Warrior and chases off Sgt instead. What an asshole.
Hulk just saw what's about to happen to his main-event status
Warrior avoids some elbows and uses his usual moves on 'Taker, who no-sells like a fucking boss. Even the shoulderblock only makes him roll over the top rope and land on his feet. Even this early in his WWF career, Mr Calloway was still fucking amazing to watch. Some officials, including Pat Patterson shows up in the ring to break things up. Pat's wearing a fantastic gold waistcoat. Looking sharp, Mr Patterson!
To Mean Gene and The Nasty Boys. They scream about the Bushwackers, and HOLY SHIT is Sags sweaty as fuck. He looks like he's been glazed.
Imagine your daughter bringing THAT home...
Quick cut to Roddy Piper with the Bushwackers. Much shouting ensues. A mean a LOT of shouting. The only phrase I hear clearly is "Another shrimp on the barbie!" Which no Kiwi has said, EVER. (That came from an advert in Australia if I'm correct. Or a Norwegian Warchant.)_
To the ring. The Nasty's are in the ring, so send out The Marching Morons. They seem massively over witht he crowd, although the crowd noise is REALLY obviously dubbed in afterwards. Match gets underway, and as you can guess, it's not a technical classic. Shit breaks down early, and it's more marching around. Gotta give the fans what they want, I suppose. March, punch, punch, match, weird arm gesture, crowd pops. The first pinfall makes Vince go insane, and a couple of battering rams clear the ring again. (Vince: "COVER 'EM!! COVER 'EM!!!! Me: "Annnnd, I'm deaf. Thanks, Vince.")
Nastys distract the ref and start beating on Luke. Warm-ish tag (man, these matches feel short as shit these days) to Butch, and the match devolves into double-teaming on both side. Ref Joey Morella has to do the "Hey Sags, Get Over Here You Idiot" pinfall count. You know the one that goes 1...2................................oh, there you are, thanks for breaking up the pinfall at last.
The Nastys win by a rollup with Sags boot up Knobbs ass the help hold him down.
I love five-star technical classics
Rating 1.75 shrimps on the barbie.
Mean Gene interviews 'Taker and Paul. Man, new HD televisions make Paul's white makeup look like he's proofing dough on his face. 'Taker has one line, and of course, kills it.
Battle Royal time-We get back from the break to see Mr Perfect arrive. In the ring so far, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Barbarian and two other guys that don't warrant Vince mentioning them . As The Big Bossman enters, we go backstage to Mean Gene and The Earthquake. Recap of him squidging Damien. PETA must love this episode. 'Quake jumps up and down, and the cameraman actually simulates an earthquake as he does. Well, way to give the kids watching unrealistic expectations of their obese relatives. ("C'mon, Uncle Dan! That's barely a 2.5!")
Macho interview Jake "The Snake" Roberts. Jake intro's his replacement snake, Lucifer and promises Slithery Retribuution for 'Quake.
Back to the ring, as Jake enters. Right, let's start the battleoh shit, it's a Hogan interview.
I'll recap his promo: BrotherbrotherbrotherbrothergunningforyouSlaughter.
Hogan's the last guy to enter, instantly attacking people before the bell has even gone. Dick move, Terry! The usual chaos breaks out, and right off the bat I spot Mr Perfect on the outside, clinging to a ringpost like a limpet. Well, that's one strategy, I suppose.
Who else is on this? I see The Rockers (High-pitched screaming), Kerry von Texas Tornadorich, Tugboat, Haku, the Bulldog. There two guys I don't recognise from behind, which I think are the Orient Express. Is that Snuka in there as well?
Paul Roma is first out, taking Marty Janetty with him. That seems appropriate. Mr Perfect starts his usual battle royal shtick of overselling every punch and nearly flying out of the ring every nine seconds. Kerry traps him in a corner and they take turns pummelling each other. Then Hulk and Tugboat play "Pass the Henning With Elbow Shots", until Curt cartwheels over the top and back in through the middle rope. The dude was an MVP in every Battle Royal and Rumble he entered.
Curt Henning being Curt Henning
The Bulldog gets dumped by the Warlord, followed by Snuka and Tanaka. And abruptly, Jake gets eliminated by Earthquake. He of course releases Lucifer into the ring to scare nine colours of shit out everyone. As you do.
Back from a break, and Hogan suddenly has issues with Tugboat, leading to an eye-rake-off. For being Mr Babyface Goldenboy, Hogan sure LOVED the eyerake. Dick. He dumps the Warlord, as Kerry von Tornado goes out too. Earthquake tosses Duggan, then get thrown out by Hogan. Eventually, as his mammoth arms gets tied in the ropes on the way over. Hogan helpfully kicks the ropes to get him out. Thanks, I guess.
Hulk gets rid of Kato, only for Tugboat to throw him out. Shaun Michaels give Tugboat a lovetap on the back, so Tugboat flings himself out as well. Hercules launches himself out between the two at about 90mph. Nice commitment, dude! Mr Perfect dropkicks out Bossman, Shaun does the same to Haku and we've got our final four.
Its Mr Perfect, The Barbarian, Shaun Michaels and The Barbarian. Not sure I saw that coming. Shaun and Curt have a nice little mini-match until Curt gets rid of Michaels. Somewhere in the back, Janetty was probably seeing the writing starting to appear on the wall. Oh well, he still got to dress like a mobile cactus and do ALL the drugs.
Curt accidently dropkicks out The Barbarian. and it's Mr Perfect vs Greg "The Hammer". Curt cranks the oversellng to 11. Thousand. An atomic drop nearly sends him into near-earth orbit.
I'm barely even exaggerating
The end is absolutely beautiful, as they both go over the top rope, only for Curt to somehow reverse direction in mid-air and end up back in the ring. Even if there was sneaky foot on the floor (or Gregs ass) it was so smooth as to be unnoticeable at first. Holy fuck, the guy was good.
Rating: Three wads of spit-out gum just for the finish. The rest was just a battle royal, of course.
Roddy Piper joins the commentary team for the next match, Brett Hart vs. "The Million Dollar Man", Ted DiBiase. (W/Sherri, with some thick gold eye-makeup that turns her into Liberace Pennywise and a hairstyle that defies gravity. And taste.)
I'm also guessing that between Teds' Million Dollar Belt and the fact his entire suit is glittery, there was a hell of a lot of confused moths in the arena.
Once the match starts, I realise I'm stuffed for anything bad enough to make jokes about. It's Bret vs Dibiase, for goodness sake, two excellent technical wrestlers, and their styles are meshing together beautifully in this one. Throw in Sherri, who takes a MAN-sized bump off the apron mere minutes into the match, and we're already watching the best match since I started recapping these things.
Sherri keeps helping Ted out from the floor, throwing shots at Brett and choking him with her jacket. Close down Tinder, we've found the ideal woman!
Brett hits the usual series of moves, and the vocal sweetening is now making the crowd sound like the Silverdome and MSG combined. Roddy "abandons the broadcast booth" and heads to ringside. (No, honestly, I'm sure that's EXACTLY what happened in this pre-taped show)
Roddy finds a broom under the ring and spanks Sherri with it, then rides at around like a witch to chase her off. It's as hilarious as it sounds.
*lightsaberpenis noise*
Ted and Brett end up brawling in the aisle for a cheap DQ.
Ratings: 3.25 Terrifying haircuts.
And we come back from break for our final match, Tito Santana vs The Mountie. This seems less... Main Event-y than the last match. The crowd noise has been turned to "Superbowl", almost drowning out Vince and Randy. The crowd does seem pretty hot, probably because, like me back in '91, they really, REALLY wanted to see the Mountie get beaten. Repeatedly. With sticks.
He was a good heel.
Flying forearm takes out The Mountie, before Jimmy Hart makes the worst run-in possible, tripping and falling into the ring. Tito KO's him with a Flying Forearm, then gets tasered back across the border by The Mountie. The crowd noise turns to massive boos. The crowd shot doesn't QUITE back that up, unless they invited a ventriloquists convention along today.
Jimmy took lessons in selling from Mr Pefect, it seems
Mountie wins.
Rating: 1.75 Royal Canadian Mounted Assholes.
Duelling Sgt Slaughter/Hulk Hogan interviews close out the show. Pretty sure both cameramen needed to wipe a litre of spit off their lenses afterwards. Vince complements Randy's pimp-hat, and we're done.
Final Thought: Pretty decent show, to be honest. Guess I need to duck over to 1991 WCW for the hilariously tragic shows I was looking for.
Right, let's stick with the WWF, and drop back a couple of years to mid-1991. This card is from the Saturday Night's Main Event series, which we never got in Kiwiland.
Vince and Macho are on the sticks, with Macho rocking a bright red Macho Pimp hat and a black-and-white ensemble that appears to have been the target of an IED. Twenty man battle Royale tonight. The Nasty Boys, The Ultimate Warrior and The Bushwackers are promised. Well, two out of three ain't bad. You'll have to guess which one I don't like, but they rhyme with "Bobbs" and "Hags".
"Is it breezy in here, Vince?"
We start of with an interview with Iraqi-sympathiser Sgt Slaughter, who launches into his usual gargling-with-gravel promo. He drops his "The Ultimate Puke" line a couple of times. I think anyone who has drunk Jagerbombs and red wine in the same evening knows what that's like.
I pause to type notes, then look up to see Sarge's chin being thrust at the camera. If this was in 3-D, it'd look like and aerial picture of the Rock of Gibraltar. Dude must use three Bic disposables on every shave.
If you stare too long into the chin...
Over to Mean Gene and The Ultimate Warrior. The Warrior has been sealed in a coffin by the Undertaker a few weeks prior, so Gene wants to know how it affected him. The Warrior responds with a tirade of abject gibberish. So, no affect at all then? Sounds perfectly normal to me.
*assorted animal noises*
To the ring!
First up: Sgt Slaughter vs The Ultimate Warrior
Sarge is in the ring already, so we get to see The Warrior taking his usual half-mile 80mph run to the ring. Sarge promptly climbs a turnbuckle and gets slammed to the mat to start things off. Helpful chap! He's bumping all over the ring, reacting like the Warrior is packing an invisible sledgehammer with every punch. But a good old-fashion Greco-Roman thumb in the eye turns the tide.
Outside, Colonel Iron Mustapha Sheik helps out a little. The Warriors selling now looks like Joe Cocker taught him dance moves. ("What, would you do?/When you wrest-le a Puke?") Bearhug and the Warrior is... uh, Warrior-ing up? Not for long though. I'm scanning the crowd for signs, but nada. Must have been an Attitude Era thing. An ass-load of kids (and more than a few adults who should know better) wearing Hulk Hogan bandanas, though. They look like a nerdy street gang. One that refuses to put any other gangs over, naturally.
More bearhuggery as Paul Bearer appears in the aisle, bringing a custom Warrior-themed casket. Randy is deep in heel mode, so he goes berserk at what great tactics this is. It's the Warrior, hope that casket is full of some Kryptonite-laced facepaint, which is his only known weakness. We go to commercial.
We get back as Warrior starts the Rope-Shaking, Horsey-Gallop of POWER! He drops Sarge with the shoulderblock as Paul opens the casket. Did you guess Taker was inside? I did. Takers expression is hilariously pouty at first, before getting a little more Dead Man-y. The heels swarm the ring and beat down the Warrior for a DQ finish.
Rating: 1.75 Flailing Arm Tassels.
Hulk Hogan makes the save, clearing out Sarge's troops, then biffs 'Taker with his belt. Taker is all like "Fuck that, dude", so Hulk just ditches the Warrior and chases off Sgt instead. What an asshole.
Hulk just saw what's about to happen to his main-event status
Warrior avoids some elbows and uses his usual moves on 'Taker, who no-sells like a fucking boss. Even the shoulderblock only makes him roll over the top rope and land on his feet. Even this early in his WWF career, Mr Calloway was still fucking amazing to watch. Some officials, including Pat Patterson shows up in the ring to break things up. Pat's wearing a fantastic gold waistcoat. Looking sharp, Mr Patterson!
To Mean Gene and The Nasty Boys. They scream about the Bushwackers, and HOLY SHIT is Sags sweaty as fuck. He looks like he's been glazed.
Imagine your daughter bringing THAT home...
Quick cut to Roddy Piper with the Bushwackers. Much shouting ensues. A mean a LOT of shouting. The only phrase I hear clearly is "Another shrimp on the barbie!" Which no Kiwi has said, EVER. (That came from an advert in Australia if I'm correct. Or a Norwegian Warchant.)_
To the ring. The Nasty's are in the ring, so send out The Marching Morons. They seem massively over witht he crowd, although the crowd noise is REALLY obviously dubbed in afterwards. Match gets underway, and as you can guess, it's not a technical classic. Shit breaks down early, and it's more marching around. Gotta give the fans what they want, I suppose. March, punch, punch, match, weird arm gesture, crowd pops. The first pinfall makes Vince go insane, and a couple of battering rams clear the ring again. (Vince: "COVER 'EM!! COVER 'EM!!!! Me: "Annnnd, I'm deaf. Thanks, Vince.")
Nastys distract the ref and start beating on Luke. Warm-ish tag (man, these matches feel short as shit these days) to Butch, and the match devolves into double-teaming on both side. Ref Joey Morella has to do the "Hey Sags, Get Over Here You Idiot" pinfall count. You know the one that goes 1...2................................oh, there you are, thanks for breaking up the pinfall at last.
The Nastys win by a rollup with Sags boot up Knobbs ass the help hold him down.
I love five-star technical classics
Rating 1.75 shrimps on the barbie.
Mean Gene interviews 'Taker and Paul. Man, new HD televisions make Paul's white makeup look like he's proofing dough on his face. 'Taker has one line, and of course, kills it.
Battle Royal time-We get back from the break to see Mr Perfect arrive. In the ring so far, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Barbarian and two other guys that don't warrant Vince mentioning them . As The Big Bossman enters, we go backstage to Mean Gene and The Earthquake. Recap of him squidging Damien. PETA must love this episode. 'Quake jumps up and down, and the cameraman actually simulates an earthquake as he does. Well, way to give the kids watching unrealistic expectations of their obese relatives. ("C'mon, Uncle Dan! That's barely a 2.5!")
Macho interview Jake "The Snake" Roberts. Jake intro's his replacement snake, Lucifer and promises Slithery Retribuution for 'Quake.
Back to the ring, as Jake enters. Right, let's start the battleoh shit, it's a Hogan interview.
I'll recap his promo: BrotherbrotherbrotherbrothergunningforyouSlaughter.
Hogan's the last guy to enter, instantly attacking people before the bell has even gone. Dick move, Terry! The usual chaos breaks out, and right off the bat I spot Mr Perfect on the outside, clinging to a ringpost like a limpet. Well, that's one strategy, I suppose.
Who else is on this? I see The Rockers (High-pitched screaming), Kerry von Texas Tornadorich, Tugboat, Haku, the Bulldog. There two guys I don't recognise from behind, which I think are the Orient Express. Is that Snuka in there as well?
Paul Roma is first out, taking Marty Janetty with him. That seems appropriate. Mr Perfect starts his usual battle royal shtick of overselling every punch and nearly flying out of the ring every nine seconds. Kerry traps him in a corner and they take turns pummelling each other. Then Hulk and Tugboat play "Pass the Henning With Elbow Shots", until Curt cartwheels over the top and back in through the middle rope. The dude was an MVP in every Battle Royal and Rumble he entered.
Curt Henning being Curt Henning
The Bulldog gets dumped by the Warlord, followed by Snuka and Tanaka. And abruptly, Jake gets eliminated by Earthquake. He of course releases Lucifer into the ring to scare nine colours of shit out everyone. As you do.
Back from a break, and Hogan suddenly has issues with Tugboat, leading to an eye-rake-off. For being Mr Babyface Goldenboy, Hogan sure LOVED the eyerake. Dick. He dumps the Warlord, as Kerry von Tornado goes out too. Earthquake tosses Duggan, then get thrown out by Hogan. Eventually, as his mammoth arms gets tied in the ropes on the way over. Hogan helpfully kicks the ropes to get him out. Thanks, I guess.
Hulk gets rid of Kato, only for Tugboat to throw him out. Shaun Michaels give Tugboat a lovetap on the back, so Tugboat flings himself out as well. Hercules launches himself out between the two at about 90mph. Nice commitment, dude! Mr Perfect dropkicks out Bossman, Shaun does the same to Haku and we've got our final four.
Its Mr Perfect, The Barbarian, Shaun Michaels and The Barbarian. Not sure I saw that coming. Shaun and Curt have a nice little mini-match until Curt gets rid of Michaels. Somewhere in the back, Janetty was probably seeing the writing starting to appear on the wall. Oh well, he still got to dress like a mobile cactus and do ALL the drugs.
Curt accidently dropkicks out The Barbarian. and it's Mr Perfect vs Greg "The Hammer". Curt cranks the oversellng to 11. Thousand. An atomic drop nearly sends him into near-earth orbit.
I'm barely even exaggerating
The end is absolutely beautiful, as they both go over the top rope, only for Curt to somehow reverse direction in mid-air and end up back in the ring. Even if there was sneaky foot on the floor (or Gregs ass) it was so smooth as to be unnoticeable at first. Holy fuck, the guy was good.
Rating: Three wads of spit-out gum just for the finish. The rest was just a battle royal, of course.
Roddy Piper joins the commentary team for the next match, Brett Hart vs. "The Million Dollar Man", Ted DiBiase. (W/Sherri, with some thick gold eye-makeup that turns her into Liberace Pennywise and a hairstyle that defies gravity. And taste.)
I'm also guessing that between Teds' Million Dollar Belt and the fact his entire suit is glittery, there was a hell of a lot of confused moths in the arena.
Once the match starts, I realise I'm stuffed for anything bad enough to make jokes about. It's Bret vs Dibiase, for goodness sake, two excellent technical wrestlers, and their styles are meshing together beautifully in this one. Throw in Sherri, who takes a MAN-sized bump off the apron mere minutes into the match, and we're already watching the best match since I started recapping these things.
Sherri keeps helping Ted out from the floor, throwing shots at Brett and choking him with her jacket. Close down Tinder, we've found the ideal woman!
Brett hits the usual series of moves, and the vocal sweetening is now making the crowd sound like the Silverdome and MSG combined. Roddy "abandons the broadcast booth" and heads to ringside. (No, honestly, I'm sure that's EXACTLY what happened in this pre-taped show)
Roddy finds a broom under the ring and spanks Sherri with it, then rides at around like a witch to chase her off. It's as hilarious as it sounds.
*lightsaberpenis noise*
Ted and Brett end up brawling in the aisle for a cheap DQ.
Ratings: 3.25 Terrifying haircuts.
And we come back from break for our final match, Tito Santana vs The Mountie. This seems less... Main Event-y than the last match. The crowd noise has been turned to "Superbowl", almost drowning out Vince and Randy. The crowd does seem pretty hot, probably because, like me back in '91, they really, REALLY wanted to see the Mountie get beaten. Repeatedly. With sticks.
He was a good heel.
Flying forearm takes out The Mountie, before Jimmy Hart makes the worst run-in possible, tripping and falling into the ring. Tito KO's him with a Flying Forearm, then gets tasered back across the border by The Mountie. The crowd noise turns to massive boos. The crowd shot doesn't QUITE back that up, unless they invited a ventriloquists convention along today.
Jimmy took lessons in selling from Mr Pefect, it seems
Mountie wins.
Rating: 1.75 Royal Canadian Mounted Assholes.
Duelling Sgt Slaughter/Hulk Hogan interviews close out the show. Pretty sure both cameramen needed to wipe a litre of spit off their lenses afterwards. Vince complements Randy's pimp-hat, and we're done.
Final Thought: Pretty decent show, to be honest. Guess I need to duck over to 1991 WCW for the hilariously tragic shows I was looking for.
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